He’s got a head balder than a baby’s arse.
He’s sweating more than a Dog in a restaurant
He’s tighter than a photo finish.
She’s been engaged more times than a telephone switchboard!
She’s been up and down more times than a whore’s drawers
He’s that useless he couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery
About as useful as a Condom vending machine in the Vatican.
She’s dressed up like a Dogs dinner
She’s angrier than a Bear with a sore head
As much use as a one legged man at an arse kicking competition