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Computer SMS
☻IT
guy – (Asks worker) What do you have?
Daily Wage Construction Worker – …….stays *
quite*
IT guy – I have Money, Name, Stock Options What
do
you have?
Daily Wage Construction Worker – (Softly) I have
work.
☻Home
computers are being called upon to perform many
new functions, including the consumption of
homework formerly eaten by the dog.
☻A
computer does not substitute for judgment any
more than a pencil substitutes for literacy. But
writing without a pencil is no particular
advantage.
☻If
computers get too powerful, we can organize them
into committees. That'll do them in.
☻A
computer once beat me at chess, but it was no
match for me at kick boxing.
☻To
err is human, but to really foul things up
requires a computer.
☻Treat
your password like your toothbrush. Don't let
anybody else use it, and get a new one every six
months.
☻Computer
Science is no more about computers than
astronomy is about telescopes.
☻A
graphic representation of data abstracted from
the banks of every computer in the human system.
Unthinkable complexity. Lines of light ranged in
the nonspace of the mind, clusters and
constellations of data. Like city lights,
receding.
☻Computers,
huh? I've heard it all boils down to just a
bunch of ones and zeroes.... I don't know how
that enables me to see naked women, but however
it works, God bless you guys.
☻Hardware:
where the people in your company's software
section will tell you the problem is. Software:
where the people in your company's hardware
section will tell you the problem is.
☻A
final word: I am not knowledgeable about the
internet. I do not have a computer. I guess that
at 74 years of age, I don't have the patience to
learn.
☻As
network administrator I can take down the
network with one keystroke. It's just like being
a doctor but without getting gooky stuff on my
paws.
☻If
you have any trouble sounding condescending,
find a Unix user to show you how it's done.
☻A
computer lets you make more mistakes faster than
any invention in human history - with the
possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
☻Spreadsheet:
a kind of program that lets you sit at your desk
and ask all kinds of neat "what if?" questions
and generate thousands of numbers instead of
actually working.
☻Don't
explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain
sex to a virgin.
☻All
of the biggest technological inventions created
by man - the airplane, the automobile, the
computer - says little about his intelligence,
but speaks volumes about his laziness.
☻And
so every one of us in the FBI, I don't care if
it's a file clerk someplace or an agent there or
a computer specialist, understands that our main
mission is to protect the public from another
September 11, another terrorist attack.
☻Yesterday
it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
☻And
then you start getting into the technical side
of it and the aesthetic side and with those
areas you can come up with new ways to visualise
things, new ways to render and use the computer
to make things look different and new and stuff
like that.
☻There
are three kinds of death in this world. There's
heart death, there's brain death, and there's
being off the network.
☻Windows
NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
☻Information
technology and business are becoming
inextricably interwoven. I don't think anybody
can talk meaningfully about one without the
talking about the other.
☻There
is a computer disease that anybody who works
with computers knows about. It's a very serious
disease and it interferes completely with the
work. The trouble with computers is that you
'play' with them!
☻Computers
must be male. As soon as you commit to one you
realize that if you had waited a little longer,
you could have obtained a better model. In order
to get their attention, you have to turn them
on. Big power surges knock them out for the rest
of the day.
☻Software
is like entropy: It is difficult to grasp,
weighs nothing, and obeys the Second Law of
Thermodynamics; i.e., it always increases.
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