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Mama Jokes
☻Yo
Star Trek nerd so hairy she make Chewbacca look
like Jean Luc Picard.
☻Your
house is so disgusting that I tripped over a
rat, got bitten by a tarantula and to top it off
- the cockroaches nicked ma wallet...
☻I
saw Yo mama at the freak show petting the
world's largest wilderbeast.
☻I
could have been Yo daddy, but the gorilla in
front of me in line didn't use a condom.
☻If
yo Momma n Poppa got a divorce, heck, they'd
still be Brother and Sister
☻Yo
mama's so fat that when she walks across the
living room, the radio skips
☻I
got on the train last night - they had a new
sign up reading - "Maximum Occupancy: 200
Patrons OR Yo Mama"
☻Yo
grannie's so fat, on each of her butt cheeks she
has "Place Your Ad Here" printed.
☻Yo
mama's a stunt double for the Predator
☻Yo
mama is so bad, when she got called for jury
duty she was found guilty.
☻Yo
sista so fat that she gets runs in her Levi's
☻Yo
mama's so fat, she ain't on a diet, she's on a
Triet - She's all like - "Whatever yo eating ...
I'll try it!"
☻Yo
Mother in law's so fat, she was floating in the
Atlantic ocean and Spain claimed her as a New
World.
☻Yo
mama's so fat, she gobbles down Cookies as if
they were tic-tacs
☻Your
moma's so stupid she thinks a 17 inch Admiral is
a well hung sailor.
☻Yo
mama's so large, she went to get an all over tan
and the sun burned out...
☻Your
mamma's so fat, the body snatchers called home
for backup.
☻Yo
AOL buddy so stupid when the Computer said
'Press any key to continue', she phoned support
complaing she couldn't find the 'any' key...
☻Yo
mama's so stupid, she thinks Tiger Woods is a
forest in India.
☻You
mama's so daft she thought Chubby Checkers was a
game for fat people.
☻Yo
Cousin so stupid that when I said I was going to
Thailand she asked me if they still sold
Kippers....
☻Your
so ugly even the Elephant Man makes jokes about
ye!
☻Yo
Nana so ugly she didn't get hit with an ugly
stick, but with THE ugly log.
☻I
was speaking to your parents - they told me you
was such an ugly baby they had to feed you with
a slingshot.
☻Yo'
kid brother so hairy, when I took him to the zoo
the gorillas went ape shit thinking I had stole
one of their babies...
☻Yo
mama only got 1 finger and runs around stealing
key rings.
☻Yo
auntie Ethel's so toothless, it took her an hour
to eat minute rice.
☻Yo
mama's like the new AOL 7.0: Fast, fun, oh so
easy and you get 100 hours FREE
☻Yo
brother's mouth so damn enormous, he speaks in
Dolby surround sound!
☻Yo
girlfriend's hips are so big, folk set their
drinks on them. Your Noggin's so damn big you
gotta wash yer hair in the Niagra Falls...
☻Yo
Mama's so freakin nasty, I talked to her over
the PC and she gave me a virus.
☻Yo mama's like a pirate, there she blows
Yo mama is so fat she has three shirt sizes,
jumbo, humongus, and "OH
MY GOD IT'S COMING TOWARDS US!!"
☻Yo mama so poor i saw her kicking a can down
the street and asked her what she was doing she
said moving.
Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed with
her to see how long she slept.
Yo mama's so damn stupid on a job application it
said "sex" and she wrote Monday wednesday and
sometimes friday.
☻Paris and Rico walked into the locker room
holding his side and bending over. Paris says "ow
man im so sore" Dario asks " whats wrong?" Paris
replies " man yo mama was rough last night" Rico
adds " she needs to loosen up"
☻Yo mama such a dirty whore that they're
having to paternity test the whole state of
Texas just to find out who yo daddy is!
☻Yo mamma so old that in the back seat of your
car, kids don't say 'Are we there yet', they
scream, 'Is she Dead yet!'
☻Yo mamas so hairy wen u were born u almost
died of rugburn
☻Yo mama smells so bad, when she went to make
friends with a skunk, the skunk got hit by a
truck on purpose!
☻Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a
bathroom and nearly pissed her
pants
☻Yo mama so fat her logo is "we are family,
burger king, mc donalds and
me..."
☻Yo mama so fat she has all the food caterers on
speed dial
☻Yo mama is so big she tripped over wal-mart
and landed on target and evey time she passes by
the t.v. i miss a seoson of friends
☻Your mommas so old someone told her to act
her age and she died
☻Yo mama so poor that when i stepped on a
cigarette she cried, hey, who turned off the
heater.
☻Your sister is so ugly she reminds me of your
mom.
☻Yo mamma so ugly, yo daddy would rather kiss
her ass before going work everyday
☻Your moms so ugly the mailman mistacked her
as the dog.
☻You mama so fat she stepped on an airplane
and it turned into a submarine
☻This is a fact, yo mama's breath Is wack, she
needs a tic, not a tac, but the whole damn pack
I don't mean to be mean, but yo mama needs
listerine, not a sip, not a swallow, but the
whole damn bottle.
☻Yo Mama's teeth are so yellow, cars slow down
when she smiles!
Yo Mama's breath is so bad, she made a tic tac
run away!
☻Your jokes are so corny that the corns on
your toes got jealous.
Yo mama so ugly when she looked out the window
she was arrested for 1st degree murder.
☻Yo mama like a fast food restaraunt - quick
and easy!!!
☻Yo moma is so fat when it rains she uses a
highway for a slip 'n' slide
☻Yo mamma so damn fat that when she traveled
back to the dinosaur times and she took a step
the dinosaurs said what the hell is happing...oh
shit its a real damn earthquake.
☻Your mama so stupid when she saw a kid dress
as a devil in halloween she thouth she was in
hell
☻Yo Momma's so ugly, even Sloth from the Goonies
wouldn't date her.
☻Yo mama like a shotgun - five cocks and shes
loaded
☻Yo Mamma so damn ugly she makes Anne Ramsey
look like J Lo.
☻Yo' mamma so ugly she got arrested for
vandalizing a mirror shop.
☻Yo mama so stupid she put a peep hole in a
glass door
☻Yo mama like nascar - two rubbers and shes
ready to ride.
☻Yo mama's so ugly, she made a blind man cry!
☻Yo mamma so old, fat and hairy, that when she
took you to the zoo the zookeepers thought a
silverback Gorilla had abducted you!
☻Yo mama so fat, that when u were born, they
had 2 send out a search party to find ya!
☻Yo mama soooo ugly, she works as a double for
Saddam Hussein.
☻Yo moma so stupid if she would to speak her
mind she would be speachless
☻Yo mama soooo poor she can't even pay attention!
☻Yo kid brother so damn ugly that the kids at
school have started saying, "Hey Gollum, give us
your autograph"
☻Yo mama so0o0o fat, one day she walked out with
a yellow rain jacket on and the children began
yelling, "Hey, the School Bus is here!"
☻Yo mama so0o0o fat, she takes baths in the
Atlantic Ocean
☻Listen buddy, your mommy is so freakin dumb that
if you told her pappa was a rolling stone, she'd
tell her momma to put mick jagger on child
support!
☻Yo Momma so damn fat the Police where going to
use her as an emergency air mattress when
Michael Jackson started dangling his baby.
☻Hey, yo momma so damn fat when her beeper goes
off people turn around to see if she is backin
up!!
☻Yo moma so fat when she wears a yellow rain coat
all the people yell "taxi"
☻Yo mama's so damn fat that when she was
kidnapped her face covered every side of the
milk carton!
☻You so ugly when a friend walked you into school
the teachers said sorry no pets aloud!
☻Your Mama so dumb she brought a spoon to the
super bowl.
☻Yo Mama's so damn ugly that she turned your dad
gay.
☻Yo mama's so bald, Mr. Clean got jealous.
☻Hey, your Momma is so sluttie I'd call her a hoe
but hoes' get paid.
☻Yo Mamas so damn greasy that she has to use
bacon for a bandaid.
☻Yo' mama so dumb she got locked inside Matress
World and slept on the floor.
☻Yomomma so hairy that when she puts her arm to
her side it looks like she has Don King in a
headlock.
☻Yo mama so stupid that she got stabbed in a
shoot out.
☻Yo mama so fat that when she went to sea world
the little kids ran away and told their parents
that a whale escaped.
☻Yo' Mamma is so fat she uses a VHS as a beeper!
☻Yo mama so stupid she sat on the tv and watched
the couch.
☻Yo' Mamma is so fat she uses a VHS as a beeper!
☻Your mama's so fat the last time she saw 90210
was on the scale!
☻Yo Mama so damn old she used to Gang Bang with
the Flintstones and had an affair with Captain
Caveman.
☻Yo mamas so fat she shoved a battery up her ass
and yelled "I got the Power!".
☻Yo mama so stupid and clumsy, she got tangled in
a cordless phone.
☻Yo mama soooo fat, she put on a yellow dress and
the kids thought she was the school bus.
☻Yo' Sista's just like a like a Popsicle -
everybody wants a fuckin lick!
☻Yo Mamma's so hairy she just got an armpit trim
and lost 20 pounds!
☻Yo Moma sooooo ugly, I could have been yo Daddy
but the dog beat me under the fence!
☻Yo momma is soooooo stupid, she wears a t-shirt
that says "hukd on fonicks woorkd fo mi"
☻Yo mam like a screen door - after a couple of
bangs she tends to loosen up.
☻Yo mama is so fat she sat on a rainbow and made
Skittles!
☻Yo mama so stupid she puts a ruler on her pillow
to see how long she slept
☻I heard that Yo mama is on the warpath - she
lost a finger and now can't count past 9...
☻Yo mama so nasty when she masterbates, she gets
arrested for cruelty to animals.
☻Yo mama's blind and is seeing another man.
☻Yo mama's glasses are so damn thick she can see
into the future.
☻Yo mama's so old, she owes Fred Flintstone a
food stamp.
☻You gotta tell yo moma to stop changing lipstick
color - I'm now getting a freakin Rainbow on my
d**k!
☻Yo sista so damn stupid on her last job
application where it said 'Sex?' she marked "M,
F, and occasionally on a Thursday too.."
☻You' big brother so damn stupid that on his last
job application, under emergency contact he put
999 (911).
☻Yo mam is so stupid - I just aks her about her
X-Men and she said: "Well, my first baby's daddy
was Jimmy...and I still see Johnny on
Fridays...."
☻Yo Grannie so stupid she thought Sherlock Holmes
was a housing project.
☻Yo Mother in law's teeth are so yellow, Dorothy
and Toto thought it was the Yellow Brick Road.
☻Yo Momma's like a Snickers bar - packed full
with with nuts.
☻Yo ex-girlfriend's like Humpty Dumpty... first
she gets humped, then she gets dumped.
☻Yo mama's like a race car driver...she burns a
lot of rubbers...
☻Yo Auntie just like the Suez Canal - Vessels
full of Seamen passing through everyday...
☻Yo gilfriends's afro so damb big, when the bitch
got in my car everyone thought I had tinted
windows.
☻Yo Mama ass so huge she take up 5 rows in the
cinema...
☻Yo Papa's so short, he tried to commit suicide
with a pin.
☻Yo Grannie's so enormous that when she went to
the drycleaners to hand in her underwear, they
put up a sign - 'NO PARACHUTES ALLOWED'
☻You Biology teacher so freakin stupid she thinks
that DNA is the National Dyslexics Association.
☻Yo' best friend so idiotic she thoughtt
Menopause was a button on her walkman.
☻You Momma so fat and stupid that her waist is
bigger than her I.Q.
☻Tell Yo' girlfriend my Dog wanna know how much
he owes her for last night...
☻Yo' papa so damn strange that he invented a
water-proof teabag.
☻Yo mother in law so bald that when she put on a
sweater, folk thought she was a roll on
deoderant!
☻Did you know flies were given wings so that they
could beat yo mama to the dump?
☻I heard yo house was made out of bog paper -
why? cuz your whole family full of crap!
☻Yo kid brother so fat and ugly Peter Jackson
offered him the part of the Cave Troll in lord
of the rings
☻You Nose so damn big that we use yer snotters as
Footballs.
☻Yo Momma so mad that she even made Kurt Russell
escape from LA.
☻Yo Nana so ghetto she washes paper plates.
☻Oi, yo need to tell you mama to stop wearing the
blue lipstick...I got balls like a smurf now!
☻You so skinny, you turned sideways and
disappeared.
☻Yo mama's so bald, when she braids her hair, it
remind me of stitches.
☻Yo Mama so fat when she steps on a scale it
reads "One at a time, please".
☻Yo mama so fat and stupid that she was fired
from Forrest Gump cuz she kept eating the box of
chocolates.
☻Yo Sista so fat the National Weather Agency
assigns names to her farts.
☻Yo Mama so poor that she uses tumbleweed as a
Xmas tree.
☻You Mommy so hairy she's got afros on her
nipples.
☻Yo' mama breath so disgustingly bad that she
needs Freshmints with batteries in it
☻Yo Papa's like an old arcade machine - toss in a
quarter and you can play with his joystick.
☻Yo mama such a bitch, she interned for Clinton.
☻I told her drinks were on the house...so she
went and got a ladder...
☻she make Homer Simpson look like a Nobel Prize
winner
☻she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Cif.
☻she noticed a sign reading 'Wet Floor'...so she
just did!
☻it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
☻when you were born, she looked at your umbilical
cord and said, "Wow, it comes with cable too!"
☻she asked for a refund on a jigsaw puzzle
complaining it was broken.
☻she got locked in the Quickie Mart and nearly
starved to death.
☻she sold her Car for Petrol cash!
☻she reckoned a Quarterback was a refund...
☻she once attempted to commit suicide by jumping
off a Kerb.
☻she leaves tell tales signs she's been using my
computer - white out (tipp ex) is on the screen.
☻she took a job cutting grass on an Oil Rig.
☻I found her peaking over a glass wall to see
what was on the other side.
☻it took her 2 days to make Microwaveable Pot
Noodles.
☻she invented a silent car alarm.
☻that when you stand beside her you can actually
hear the ocean
☻she really thought the cinema was selling Free
Willies...
☻she watches The Three Stooges and takes notes.
☻she was born on Halloween and can't remember her
birthday.
☻she thought Morning Dew was a New York radio
station.
☻she lost her shadow.
☻she went to a Whalers game to see Kiko.
☻she somehow got fired from a Blow-Job
☻she thought Hot Meals were stolen food.
☻she make Laurel and Hardy look like Nobel Prize
winners.
☻when I asked her to purchase me a Colour TV she
asked me...'Which colour?'
☻Anything Yo's - So Damn Stupid...
☻Yo Poppa so stupid he studied for a Dope
test!
☻Yo Postman so stupid that on his recorded
delivery form where it says 'Don't write below
dotted line', he puts 'OK'
☻Yo teacher so stupid she booked herself into the
Bettie Ford clinic cos she thought she was
Hooked On Phonics.
☻Yo Boss so stupid he bought everybody in the
department solar powered flashlights incase of a
blackout...
☻Yo Business associate so stupid he thought
Gangrene was another golf course.
☻Your Kid Sister so damn stupid she put your
puppy in the oven to make a Hot Dog.
☻Yo' Sister is so insanely stupid that last week
she asked me to go to the lost and found with
her when she missed her period.
☻Yo Dentist so stupid he uses mayonnaise as tooth
filler
☻Yo Sister so dumb that she thought Taco Bell was
Mexican phone company.
☻Your Grandpa so achingly stupid he think Beirut
is a famous baseballer.
☻Your kid bro so stupid he try to strangle
himself with his mobile phone.
☻Yo Minister so stupid he gives Sermons on
Genesis....Phil Collins old band...
☻Your Kid sister so damn stupid she stands up on
an empty School bus.
☻Yo Mom so stupid that Oxford had to change the
definition of Dumb...it now read: Dumb(n) - yo'
Mama
☻Yo Burglar so stupid he broke into yo house and
stole food stamps
☻You cousin so stupid I told him to take out the
garbage...so he moved house...
☻Yo Bus driver so stupid that she went to
Disneyworld, saw a sign that said "Disneyworld
Left" so drove home.
☻Yo Politics professor so stupid he ask George W
Bush to guest lecture on Government 101.
☻Yo' accountant so darn stupid he thinks a
Quarterback is an income tax refund.
☻Your Computer Repairman so stupid he picks up
your floppy's with magnets
☻Yo Mother-in-law so stupid, she won first place
in the Dan Quale spelling contest
☻Yo Archeology Professor so damn stupid they have
to dig for her IQ!
☻Yo Girlfriend so stupid, she teaches night
classes at Stupid College.
☻Yo' Father in law so idiotic that he took a
spoon to the superbowl.
☻Yo Sister's so stupid she could trip over a
cordless telephone.
☻Yo Dog walker so stupid he took yo pet dog to
the Clippers game to get him a haircut
☻Your Big Sister so god awfully stupid that they
had to burn her school down just to get her out
of 3rd grade.
☻Yo Father's so freakin stupid he has 1 toe on
each foot, yet he just bought himself a pair of
flip flops.
☻You Grandma's so stupid when I tell her it's
chilly outside, she goes to fetch a bowl.
☻Your Grandpa so freakin stupid he sent me a fax
with a 1st class stamp on it!
☻Yo BT Telephone repairman so freakin stupid he
asked me what the number for 999 was...
☻Yo girlfriend so stupid when her Apple Mac says
'You've got mail" she runs outside to wait for
the Postman
☻Yo Uncle so astonishingly stupid that he thought
Nestle Cheerio's were a new type of Donut Seed
☻Yo Auntie so dumb her weekly shopping list
consist of 1 item - 'Hundreds and thousands'
☻Your Dog's so stupid he bury's his own tail
☻Yo mama's so stupid, wait...she had you didn't
she!
☻Yo Mother in law so stupid I saw her in
Safeway's frozen food section with a fishing rod
☻Yo Uncle so stupid...heck, he marry your Auntie
for christ sake!
☻Yo Priest so stupid I saw him worshiping at the
feet of David Copperfield
☻Yo Reverand so stupid he asks David Ike for
advice
☻Yo Grannie so dumb she go to the 24-hr
convenience store and asks what time do they
close...
☻Yo Mother in law so hellishly stupid, that Tony
Blair is considering making dumbness a crime,
punishable by lethal injection.
☻Your doctor's so stupid he uses his mp3 player
as a stethoscope
☻Yo
Mama So Ugly
☻she
put the Boogie man outta business.
☻she
make Michael Jackson look like Brad Pitt
☻when
she wobbles down the street in September, folk
say, "Damn it, can't believe it's Halloween
already..."
☻when
she applied for the ugly contest they told her
'NO Professionals'
☻she
looked out her window and was arrested for
indecent exposure!
☻minutes
after she was born her Mother shouted 'What a
treasure!" and her Poppa said "Yes, now let's go
and bury her..."
☻they
push her face into the dough mixture when making
Monster cookies.
☻when
they took her to the Beautician it took 10
hours....and that was just for the quote!
☻yer
Daddy takes her to work each day so he doesny
have to kiss her goodbye...
☻she
put Marilyn Manson out of business.
☻she
was a guard at Snake Mountain
☻they
knew what time she was born cuz her face stopped
the clock...
☻even
Harry Knowles refused to date her.
☻they
embalmed her face on a box of super-strength
laxatives and sold it empty!
☻she
gets 364 extra days just to dress up for
Halloween.
☻Tony
Blair moved Halloween to her birthday.
☻you
papa throws the ugly stick and she goes fetches
it every time.
☻she
scared the stitching outta Frankenstein.
☻we
had to tie a steak round her neck so the dogs
would play with her.
☻I
heard yer Father first met her at the Zoo.
☻her
shadow gave up.
☻people
at the Zoo pay cash so they DON't have to see
her...
☻her
mom had to be Pissed drunk just to breast feed
her.
☻when
born, the doctors had to fit her incubator with
tinted windows.
☻hotel
managers use her picture to keep away the Rats.
☻instead
of round the ankles, they put the Bungee Jumping
cord round her neck.
☻they
gave her a middle name...'accident'.
☻she
fell out of the Ugly Tree, hitting every branch
on the way down.
☻when
she walked into the Haunted House, she came back
out with a Job Application!
☻even
Slicky Willy Clinton refused to sleep with
her...
☻when
she was born the Doc smacked her face.
☻Anything
Yo's - So Ugly...
☻Yo
Poppa so ugly he turned Medusa to Stone.
☻Yo
Postman so freakin ugly he made the guard dogs
shit themselves.
☻Yo
Dentist so ugly they don't need anasthetics
☻Yo
Boss so ugly people go as him for halloween.
☻Yo
Priest so ugly that he have to give his Sermon
from inside the Confessional Box.
☻Yo
Teacher so ugly when she walks into the Building
Society they turn off the CCTV cameras.
☻Yo
Sister so Ugly that George Lucas cast her in
Star Wars 3 as Jabbas wife - without the need
for a costume.
☻Your
kid bro so ugly that for Halloween he tricks or
treats on his mobile phone!
☻Your
Kid sister so damn ugly that when she sits on a
sand dune at the beach, the cats try to bury
her.
☻You
cousin so ugly that when he threw a boomerang,
it refused to come back.
☻Yo
Driving Instructor's so ugly he has to wear a
ski-mask when teaching.
☻Yo
Mother-in-law so ugly, she won first place in
the Wookie lookalike contest.
☻Your
Girlfriend's so insanely ugly that I can screw
her in any position and it's still Doggy-style!
☻Yo
Girlfriend so ugly they put her in the Chimp
enclosure to stop the Chimpanzee's from jerking
off!
☻Yo'
Father in law so ugly that his American Express
card left home without him...
☻Yo
Sister's so ugly that she must been conceived on
the Motorway - ain't that where most accidents
happen?
☻Yo
Dog walker so ugly that he once took your Mutt
to Crufts and WON - oh, the dog came second...
☻Your
sister-in-law so god awful ugly that Durex want
to use her as a poster child.
☻Yo
Father's so ugly his hairline ain't
receding...it's his hair that's running away
from his ugly noggin.
☻You
Grandma's so Ugly her Shrink makes her lie face
down on the couch.
☻Your
Grandpa so freakin ugly that when he gets up in
the mornin, the Sun goes down.
☻Yo'
Mum so ugli that even Prince Charming refuses to
kiss her - he'd rather live as a frog.
☻Yo
older sister so ugly that Mommy had to feed her
with a fishing rod.
☻Yo
Uncle so astonishingly ugly that whenever he
comes over and goes to your bathroom, the toilet
flushes.
☻Your
Dog's so ugly as yo Momma that I had to shave
its arse and make it walk backwards...
☻Yo
mama's so ugly, hold on....you got a mirror
handy???
☻Yo
Mama's sister so ugly that Blind men refuse to
have sex with her.
☻Yo
Uncle so ugly, Spielberg wants him in Addams
Family 3
☻Your
kid so ugly the Doctor is STILL smacking his
ass.
☻Yo
Mother in law so hellishly ugly, that president
George W Bush is considering making ugliness a
crime, punishable by the electric chair
☻Yo
Momma's so ugly that she hurt my feelings...
☻Your
doctor's so ugly she manages to give Freddy
Kreuger Nightmares!
☻Yo
Moma So Old
☻she
left her purse on Noah's Ark.
☻Jurassic
Park brought back the memories...
☻when
she ran the 100 metre dash, they timed her with
a sundial.
☻she
still owes Moses a dollar.
☻when
she was at school...there was No history class!
☻she
uses her hot flushes to heat her cup of Tea
☻she's
got the first autographed Koran.
☻she
co-wrote the 4th Commandment.
☻when
I asked for her ID she handed me a rock
☻she
even made Yoda jealous.
☻she
recalls when the Grand Canyon was a ditch.
☻the
fire department are on standby when you light
her birthday cake
☻when
she gave birth, You came out with Dentures.
☻she
sat in front of Jesus in 1st grade
☻her
first job was as Cain and Abel's baby-sitter.
☻vher
birthday expired.
☻when
Moses parted the Red Sea, he found yo momma
fishing on the other side!
☻she
got the first copy of the Ten Commandments.
☻Anything
Yo's - So Old ...
☻Yo
Grandpa so old his social security number is
000-000-001
☻Yo
Priest so old he's got Adam and Eve's autograph
☻Yo
Archeology Professor so old we found cave
drawings of her.
☻Your
Wife getting so old she startin to fart out
Mummy dust
☻You
Postman so damn old his zip code is 00001.
☻Yo'
geeky Star Wars friend so old he used to baby
sit Yoda
☻Yo
Doctor so old he uses chewing gum as a bandaid.
☻Yo
hairdresser so old she used to cut Betty
Rubble's hair
☻You
so old you used to gang bang wid the Flintstones
☻Yo'
home helper so old she was once a waitress at
the last supper
☻Yo
Grannie so old Spielberg hired her as historical
consultant on Jurassic Park
☻Yo
Nana so old she the only Creature in Jurassic
Park they never had to animate
☻You
Gardener so old she uses T-Rex dropping as
fertilizer.
☻Yo
History teacher so damn old he was co-author of
the Dead Sea scrolls
☻Your
Aunties so old that when God said 'let there be
light', she was the one flicking on the light
switch.
☻Yo
Math teacher so old he baby-sat for Pythagorus
☻Yo
Minister so old he used to get sermon tips from
Zeus.
☻Yo
Bookie so old he offered odds of 4 to 1 on Adam
eating the apple
☻Yo
Poppa so old and ugly they call him Captain
Caveman
☻Yo
sister so old she's more ancient than everything
seen on the Antiques Road Show
☻yo'
Mother in law so old she the only one at the old
folks home with a senior citizens discount.
☻Yo'
Papa so ancient that Mel Gibson hired him to
offer insights on what life was like with
William Wallace
☻I
told yo big sister to act her own age...and she
died.
☻You
Dog so old it farts out dust.
☻Yo
Boyfriend so old his birth certificate says
"Expired" on it.
☻Yo
Computer geek friend so old he used to babysit
Pascal
☻Your
Girlfriend's so old, she invented the term
'oldest profession in the world'
☻Yo'
mother-in-law so ancient she's in Jesus's
yearbook!
☻Yo
Gardener's so damn old he remembers when the
Garden of Eden was just a plant
☻Yo'
big brother so old, he used to run Track with
dinosaurs.
☻Your
mother-in-law so freakin old she's got ROman
Numerals on her birth certificate
☻Yo
Moma So Poor
☻that
your family ate Cornflakes with a fork to save
milk.
☻they
put her photo on food stamps.
☻when
I visited her trailer, 2 cockroaches tripped me
and a Rat tried to steal me wallet.
☻she
waves an ice lolly around and calls it Air
conditioning.
☻burglars
break into her home and leave money.
☻when
I told her about the last supper she thought the
food stamps had run out.
☻the
building society repossed her cardboard box.
☻she
watches television on an Etch-A-Sketch.
☻each
night she goes to KFC to lick other folk's
fingers
☻she
can't even afford to go to the free clinic.
☻when
I saw her kickin a can down the road I asked her
what she was doing....'Moving' she replied.
☻I
caught her trying to use food stamps in the
Gobstopper machine.
☻when
I rang her doorbell, SHE said 'Ding-Dong'
☻I
asked her where the 'facilities were' and she
replied - "Pick a corner...ANY corner..."
☻I
visited her house, tore down the cob webs and
she screamed - "Who's tearing down the
drapes!!!!"
☻I
walked into her home, asked if I could use her
toilet, and she said "Sure thing, it's 4th tree
on your right..."
☻only
time she smelled Hot Food was when a rich bloke
farted...
☻when
I saw her wobbling down the street with 1 shoe,
I hollered - "Lost a shoe?", and she said -
"Nope...just found one..."
☻she
hangs the Toilet paper out to dry.
☻closest
thing to a car she owns is a low-riding Shopping
trolley....with a box on it...
☻she
had to take out a second mortgage on her
cardboard box.
☻I
went into her 'living room', stepped on a Fag
butt and she shouted - "Oi, who turned off the
heater!"
☻I
once threw a stone at a garbage can, and out she
popped saying - "Who knocked???"
☻I
went through her front door and tripped over the
back fence.
☻she
does drive by shootings on the school bus.
☻when
she asked me over to dinner I took a paper plate
from the kitchen and she groule - "Don't use the
good china"
☻Anything
Yo's - So Poor...
☻You're
so poor even Beggars give you money.
☻Yo
Grannie so damn poor she bounces food stamps.
☻Your
Teachers so poor she can't even afford to pay
attention.
☻Yo
Priest so poor he uses cardboard and ribena as
bread and wine substitutes.
☻Yo
Doctor so poor, he uses chewing gum as a bandaid.
☻You
family so poor you's live in a 2-story Cracker
Jack box.
☻Yo
sister is so po...shit, she can't even afford
them last 2 letters!
☻Yo
Dentist is so poor she uses white-out/tippex as
your tooth filler.
☻Yo'
Cleaner so poor she can't afford a mop - she
stands on her head in order to mop the floor...
☻Yo
Poppa so poor his idea of Desert was to go
outside and collect the 'yellow snow'...and yo
loved it, didn't ya!
☻You
Star Wars friend so insanely poor that I walked
into his house, asked to use the bathroom, and
he handed me a shovel saying: "May the force be
with you."
☻Yo
Father so poor that when I aks him what for
dinner, he take off his shoelaces and says -
Spaghetti!
☻Yo
older sis getting so poor she's planning on
getting married...just so she can get the rice
at the wedding.
☻Your
lecturer so poor he uses his cardboard box as a
blackboard.
☻Yo'
so poor, you get more government handouts than
an English farmer
☻Yo'
best friend so poor he have to fart just to get
a scent (cent).
☻Yo
Gossiping wife so poor she can't even afford to
put her two cents into this conversation...
☻Yo
Grannie so poor that when I asked her what's for
dinner, she tried to throw ME in the oven!
☻Yo'
Mommy so poor I went over for dinner, saw 3
beans on the table...took one and she said -
"Don't be greedy!"
☻You
Auntie's so poor she gotta live in a 2-story
Dorritos bag...
☻Yo
big brother so freakin poor I stepped on his old
banged up skateboard and he yelled - "Get off my
F****in CAR"
☻Yo
Computer geek friend so poor he uses a Commodore
64 to surf the web.
☻Your
pimp so poor he just bought an imitation
of a fake Rolex
☻Yo
Reverand so poor the congregation run over
animals outside the church just to help with
food...
☻Yo
Gardener's so damn poor that when I pissed in
his yard he thanked me for watering the lawn...
☻Yo
Mama's so damn poor, her front porch matt says 'Wel'...
☻You
so piss poor...hold on, you don't have a pot to
piss in or even a window to throw it out of...
☻Yo
Uncle so poor I went into his house, swatted a
pesky firefly and he screamed - "Who turned out
the lights?"
☻Yo
Nana so sickenly poor I walks into her house,
asked to use the toilet and she hand me 2 large
sticks. I ask what they're for and she says:
"Use one to hold up the ceiling...use the other
to fight off the cockroaches..."
☻Yo
half-sister so damn poor even the Republicans
were willing to give her welfare.
☻Anything
Yo's....
☻Yo
Mamma's feet so skanky that when your family
wants jam pieces, she gets yo brother to run a
loaf of bread between her toes.
☻Yo'
Grannies neck so damn wrinkled, I use it as a
cheese grater.
☻I
got notin bad to say about Yo Momma - heck, her
face says it all...
☻Your
pet Cat so freakin nasty it bit ma dog and gave
it rabies.
☻Yo
Auntie so stinkin that a skunk smelled her butt
and passed out.
☻Yo
mama's so poor, TV dinner trays are her good
china.
☻Damn
it, just realised that last yo is as old as the
crust in yo Sister's knickers...
☻You
liked that mama joke didn't ya? Good?...well,
nowhere near as good as Yo Mama was last night
:)
☻But,
hey, if I wanted a comeback, christ, I'd just
wipe it off Yo Mamma's chin...
☻Yo
Mama like a television - even a 2 year old can
turn her on!
☻You
brother so hairy Big foot is taking his
picture..
☻Yo
Mother in law so stinky she use Right Guard and
Left Guard.
☻Your
Grandpa's so hairy, Jane Goodall follows him
around.
☻Yo
Star wars geeky friend so damn hairy, she's a
stunt double for Chewbacca and her baby daughter
played the leader of the Ewoks (no makeup
needed).
☻Yo
English teacher so damn stupid, she failed a
survey...
☻Yo
Sista like a mailbox, open all day and all
night...
☻Yo
mama's so clumsy, she got tangled up in a Mobile
phone.
☻Yo
mama's like an elevator - blokes go up and down
on her all day. Yo Mother in law so dmamnd
Dislexus when I told her to go get some Head and
Shoulders...she jump on top of me Shoulders and
gave me head!!!
☻Your
IM buddies so damn stanky, I can smell them over
the interweb
☻Only
job yo ever gonna get is as a blind
bird-watcher.
☻Yo
idiotic Doctor so damn greasy that he uses Bacon
as a bandaid
☻Yo
Dog so short it's best friend is an Ant.
☻Yo
Auntie so flat chested she jealous of the wall.
☻Yo
girlfriend so cheap I threw her a penny for sex
and she gave me change...
☻The
first line in the Bible was mistranslated - it
actually reads - 'In the beginning God created
the heaven and the earth and yo' fat ugly Mama'
☻Yo
Grandpa's house so damned cold, the Roaches ice
skate around the kitchen.
☻Yo
Momma house so small that I put my Key in the
doorlock and broke the freakin back window!
☻I
heard yo mama got fired from her job at the
sperm bank - the boss caught her drinking on the
job...
☻Yo
baby sista's nose so long, it make Steffi Graf
jealous...
☻Yo
Mam so damn ugly, look like the ho was hit by
the whole freakin Ugly Tree!!!
☻Yo
Mama so old - heck, the first line of the Koran
was mistranslated - it should read 'All praise
is due to Allah, the Lord of the Worlds and
Father of Yo' Mama'...
☻I
heard that yo Granny was so disgustingly ugly
that on a holiday to Egypt she looked up a
Camel's ass and scared the hump off of it!
☻Yo
Driving Instructor so damn old he got
hieroglyphics on his Driver license.
☻Yo
Cousin so old she drives a chariot to High
school
☻I
took yo Mama to the Doctor's - I tell him that
she feeling poorly and that she only got 1 toe
and 1 knee. Doc tells me she's contracted
'Tony'...
☻Yo
Boss so damn ugly that when he leaned out the
window the Police arrested him for attempted
murder
☻That
Grandpa of your's so stupid and poor that when I
came over for Dinner he read me recipes...
☻Yo
wee brother so damn hairy that he went for a
short back and sides and lost 30 pounds...
☻Yo
mama's chest hair so damn long, it growing all
the way down to her willy.
☻Yo
mama's so nice, she offered me the hair off her
back.
☻Yo
Mother in law so nasty, she got more clap than
an auditorium.
☻I's
apologise for talkin bout Yo Mama...I should
know better...hell, I don't even know the Man...
☻No
seriously, under all that hair yo Mama is really
a Saint....a saint Bernard!
☻But
really, yo Mamma is just like a golf course -
everybody gets a hole in one!
☻Yo
Nana still so fat she wears a Microwave as a
beeper.
☻And
yo Mother-in-law so huge she stole my pillow
cases when she ran outta socks.
☻Yo
mama should be locked away, cos every time she
moons people they turn into werewolves
☻She
nasty too ya know - yo daddy just got out of
hospital after eating her out - he caught food
poisining...
☻Yo'momma
so ugly she actually is very good at her job:
Being a scarecrow
☻Yo
Momma Like
☻a
hardware store - only 10 cents a screw.
☻a
bus - only 50 pence a ride
☻a
747 - a 3 man cock pit!
☻a
shotgun - first she cocks...then she blows.
☻a
Hoover - she sucks, blows, and finally gets laid
back in the closet...
☻a
BT phonebox - on every damn corner and costs
only 20p a go
☻an
arcade machine - dirty, smelly, costs 20 pence
and lasts 30 seconds
☻a
door knob - cos everybody gets a turn!
☻the
sun - if you stare at her too long you're gonna
go blind.
☻a
Christmas tree - everybody hangs balls on her.
☻Pizza
Hut - not there in 30 minutes...it's free.
☻a
Bowling Ball - she gets picked up, fingered,
thrown into the gutter, yet she still comes back
for more...
☻a
stamp - you lick her, then stick her, and
finally then send her away.
☻McDonalds
... Billions and Billions served...
☻a
railroad track - she gets laid all over the
country.
☻the
Pillsbury dough boy - everybody loves to poke
her
☻a
Scooter - everybody ridin her but nobody
admitting it
☻peanut
butter -- oh so smooth, creamy, and easy to
spread.
☻Anything
Yo's
☻Yo
secretary is like an ATM machine - open 24
hours...
☻Yo
Female Boss like a 7-11...open 24 hours for your
convenience...
☻Yo
Sister-in-law like a chicken coop - cocks flyin
in and out all day...
☻Yo'
ex-girlfriend just like a squirrel - she always
got some nuts in her mouth...
☻Your
Big sis like the Bermuda triangle...they swallow
a whole lotta seamen.
☻Yo'
Cousin like a Penny...she ain't worth two bob.
☻Yo
Auntie like a Library - open to the public.
☻Your
Mummy like Blockbuster Video - everybody goes
home happy.
☻Your
Aunt Mary just like a birthday cake - everybody
gets a piece...
☻Yo
Chip shop assistant like a fine restaraunt - she
only take deliviries in rear...
☻Yo
Momma so Smelly
☻the
government make her wear a Biohazard warning
☻she
made Right Guard call for backup.
☻even
the dogs won't smell her.
☻an
old blind geezer walking by asked her 'yo, how
much for the shrimp platter?"
☻that
when she spread her legs, I got seasick...
☻she
wiz playin in my Sand Box and the cat came along
and buried her.
☻her
poo is glad to escape.
☻that
standing next to a skunk, the Skunko smells
sweet!
☻that
the only dis I'm gonna give her is Disinfectent...
☻that
when you was being born, the doctor's and nurses
all had to wear oxygen masks...
☻even
sewer rats get outta her way...
☻that
farmers use her bathwater as liquid
fertilizer...
☻Yo
Momma so Dirty
☻she
has to creep up on the bath water.
☻that
standin next to a tramp, she make the tramp look
like a butler.
☻that
her house is so dirty I gotta wipe my feet
before I go back outside.
☻she
lost 2 stone after taking a shower
☻that
even the Swamp Thing insisted she showered.
☻that
Saddam Hussain tried to import her bath water to
use as chemical weapons.
☻Yo
Momma so Greasy
☻Texaco
buy oil from her
☻she
got a job at the cinema - buttering popcorn with
her leg hair...
☻her
freckles slipped off.
☻the
Chip Shop uses her sweat as Deep Fry
☻she
sweats butter, syrup, excretes jam...and has a
full time job at the 'Pancake Palace' wiping
pancakes across her forheed
☻her
idea of bottled water is the left over oil slime
from a bacon, sausage and egg fry up.
☻she
uses bacon as a band aid.
☻Your
Mama So Fat
☻when
she step on the Weight Scales it says...'to be
continued'...
☻she
once went on a seafood diet...whenever she saw
food she ate it!
☻folk
exercise by jogging around her!
☻when
she bends over, we enter Daylight Saving Time.
☻she
sat on a Nintendo Gamecube and it turned into a
gameboy
☻she
make Kiko the Whale look like a Smartie
☻NASA
plan to use her to shore up the hole in the
Ozone layer
☻she
was measured at 38-26-36 and that was just the
left arm...
☻small
objects orbit her.
☻she
make olympic sumo wrestlers look anerixic.
☻when
I tell her to haul ass, she gotta make two
trips.
☻when
she farted she launched herself into orbit.
☻she
lost a game at Hide&Seek only cos I spotted
her...behind Mount Everest.
☻when
I had to swerve to avoid hitting her on the road
I ran out of Petrol!
☻she
could be the eighth continent.
☻she
nearly put Safeway out of business
☻the
only thing that's attracted to her is gravity.
☻her
Uni graduation photo was an aerial
☻when
she auditioned for a part in Raiders of the Lost
Ark she got the part of the big Rolling Ball.
☻she
make Jabba the Hutt look anorexic.
☻her
fave food is seconds.
☻her
belt size is Equator.
☻she
eats Desert out of a Trash Can lid
☻she
wears an 'X' jacket and Copters attempt to land
on her
☻she
shows up on radar.
☻she
needs a map to find her butt.
☻she
fell into the Grand Canyon....and got stuck!
☻she
wears an asteroid belt.
☻her
Passport photo says 'Picture is continued
overleaf'
☻she
has TB ... 2 bellys.
☻she's
once, twice, three times a lady.
☻she
was in the Daily Record last week on page 5, 6,
7, 8, and 9.
☻the
circus use her as a trampoline
☻stunt
agencies use her as an air mattress
☻when
she opens the Fridge it says - 'I give up...'
☻she
got a new gig at the Cinema...she works as the
screen
☻she
once told me 'I could eat a horse'...believe me,
she wasn't kidding!
☻she
deep fries her toothpaste.
☻Anything
Yo's - So Fat...
☻Yo
Grannie so damn fat, that if she was an
Aeroplane, she'd be a Jumbo Jet.
☻Yo
Grandpa so fat that he's half Scottish, half
Irish and half American
☻Yo
Wife so fat she fell off a boat and the Captain
yelled, "Land Ahoy!!!"
☻Yo
Priest so fat, when he bungee jumped he went
straight to hell...
☻Yo
Doctor so fat, that when her Beeper goes off
folk think she's backing up.
☻Yo
Auntie so fat when she goes to Gap the only
thing she can fit into is the Dressing Room
☻Yo
Bookie so fat he gotta buy clothes by the furlon
☻Yo
Dentist so fat that when he burped he blew out
all yo mamma's teeth...that why she so ugly!
☻Yo
Papa's so large when you climb on top of him
your ears pop.
☻Yo
Father so fat that when he sat on a Rainbow
skittles fell out.
☻Yo
Sister so fat that even Richard Simmons can't
help laughing
☻Yo
Sis so Monstrous she uses Soccer balls for
earrings.
☻Yo
Father so fat he can't even tie his own
shoelaces
☻Yo
Mama so huge that God created her...and on the
seventh day rested.
☻Your
Kid Sister so fat the Japanese Sumo Wrestling
squad had to turn her down.
☻Yo
Star Trek fan so fat he make Riker's beer belly
look 2 atoms thick
☻Yo
Lawyer's so fat...we're inside her right now.
☻Yo'
Baker so freakin fat he masturbates when reading
cookbooks
☻Yo
Auntie so fat that Weight Watchers threw her out
for breaking the scales.
☻Yo
Boss so fat that when she calls a board meeting
she has to pull herself up a Sofa.
☻Yo
Air hostess so fat that on a scale of 1 to 10
she a 747.
☻Your
boyfriend so fat he hasn't seen his feet for 10
years
☻Yo
Bro so fat that when he farted, Mars came
out...and I ain't talkin bout the 'sweetie'
☻You
Nana so fat that when she went for a swim in the
ocean she caused a 60 foot tidal wave.
☻Yo
Music teacher so freakin Fat that she whistles
Bass
☻Yo
Postman so fat he got his very own Post Code
☻You
cousin so fat she's on Both sides of the family.
☻Yo
Girlfriend so fat I ask her to go get a Curry
and she bring back 80 pounds of gravy.
☻Yo
kid brother so fat he sat on 4 quarters and made
a dollar.
☻Your
Mom so fat she uses a bed mattress for a maxipad
☻Yo
wife so fat she got more nooks and Crannies than
a Ploughman's pastry
☻Yo
Sister so fat she got a new job DJ'ing for the
Ice Cream Van.
☻Yo
Momma so fat all chairs in the house have their
own seatbelts.
☻Yo
Dog so fat that when you take it 'walkies' it
don't know whether it walking or rolling
☻Your
Mommas so fat, when it says All you can eat it
still ain't enough.
☻Yo'
Astronomer so fat she plays pool with
Venus....and Neptune...and pluto...and...
☻Yo
Moma...
☻has
10 fingers -- all on the same hand.
☻has
green hair and thinks she's a Tree.
☻has
a peanut butter wig with jelly sideburns.
☻has
wooden boobs and breast feeds beavers
☻has
one short leg and that why she always walking in
circles...
☻has
a major weight problem - she can't wait...to
eat.
☻got
a house that's so dusty, the Cockroaches drive
around in Dune Buggies
☻got
a glass eye with a fish in it.
☻got
so much hair on her upper lip she has to braid
it
☻got
so much dandruff that a Midgie landed on her
head and said: "Christ, I aint' seen this much
snow in years."
☻got
so much hair on her chest that her Breasts
remind me of Coconuts...
☻is
a carpenter's dream - flat as a board and so
easy to nail...
☻Anything
Yo's
☻Yo
Grannies got more chins than a Hong Kong phone
book.
☻You
got no arms, no legs, and when you go swimming
they call you Bob
☻Yo
Wife got more weave than a dog in rush hour
traffic.
☻Yo
Girlfriend got an ElectroWig - including sunroof
and Opera lights
☻Yo
Big brother got a wooden nipple and they call
him Corky.
☻Yo
Priest got ears so big he gets satellite
reception.
☻Your
kid bro got more crust round his mouth than a
bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.
☻Yo
Milkman's teeth so damn yellow I can't believe
it's not butter
☻Your
Wife getting so old she startin to fart out
Mummy dust
☻Yo
Mother in law so yellow you'd think she'd been
blowing the Simpsons
☻Yo
mama's got a wooden leg with branches. Yo' baby
sister got more mouth than Julia Roberts
☻Yo'
Boy next door got an Afro with a turn signal in
it.
☻Yo
Doc' got 1 wooden leg with a real foot.
☻You
geeky Star Wars girlfriend got more bum fur than
an Ewok.
☻Yo
Mommy got so many gaps in her teeth it reminds
me of Piano keys
☻Yo
Best Friend only got two fingers and she's a
representative for world peace.
☻Yo'
humor webmaster so desperate for money he got a
wooden leg with advertisements stapled to it.
☻You
Computer Geek friend got one tooth and they call
him Chomping-at-the-Bits
☻Yo'
Nana's teeth so damb black you'd think she had
coal for her dinner
☻Yo
Grannie had more men than the grand old duke of
york...and then some...
☻Your
Auntie got one leg...and folk call her Eileen
☻Yo
kid sister got so many rings round her belly
that she gotta screw her underware on
☻Yo
cousin got 3 teeth ... one in her mouth and two
in her pocket.
☻Yo
PE teacher has one arm and swims round in
circles
☻Yo
Dentist got Summer teeth...summer in his
mouth....summer in his trouser pockets...
☻You
Wife got more crack than harlem
☻Your
Dentist made yo teeth so crooked you use them to
cut chain at the DIY store.
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