Marriage Jokes
☻Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence....(a
life sentence!).
☻Marriage is a 3-ring circus - engagement ring,
wedding ring and Suffering.
☻A happy marriage is a matter of give and take;
the husband gives and the wife takes.
☻A woman was telling her friend , "It was I who
made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked
the friend.
The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".
☻There was this woman who had an artist paint a
portrait of her covered with the most amazingly
beautiful and expensive jewels.
Her explanation - "If I die and my husband
re-marries, I want his next wife to go crazy
looking for the jewels."
☻Getting married is very much like going to a
restaurant with friends. You order what you
want, and when you see what the other fellow
has, you wish you had ordered that.
☻Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is
the alarm clock.
☻Q: Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
A: They're hard to get started, emit foul odors,
and don't work half the time!
☻Husband to wife: Why do you keep reading our
marriage licence?
Wife to Husband: I'm looking for a loophole
☻The definition of a perfect Wife? - one who
helps the husband with the dishes...
☻The Minister noticed the bride was in distress
so asked what was wrong. She replied that she
was awfully nervous and afraid she would not
remember what to do. The Minister told her that
she only needed to remember 3 things.
First the aisle, cos that is what you'll be
walking down.
Secondly, the alter because that is where you
will arrive.
Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of
song we will sing during the service.
While the bride was walking in step with the
wedding march, family and friends of the groom
were horrified to hear her repeating these 3
words
...Aisle, alter hymn (I'll alter him)
☻Men are like chocolate bars.... sweet, smooth,
and they usually head right for your hips.
☻A little kid asks his Dad, "Daddy, how much does
it cost to get married?"
"No idea," replied the Father, "I'm still paying
for it..."
☻There was this lover who said that he would go
through hell for her. They got married - now he
is going through Hell!!!
☻I've got a good friend who married a Doctor.
One day he told her: "You need to do something
to spice up our love-making".
Soon thereafter, he came home and found her in
bed with another man who is also an M.D.
"Why?" asked her husband. "You said I needed to
do something to spice up our love-making;
I just wanted to get a Second Opinion", she
replied...
☻Q: Why do brides wear white?
A: To blend in with everything else in the
kitchen.
☻One day a man inserted an 'advert' in the local
classifieds: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all
said the same thing: "You can have mine."
☻What makes men chase women they have no
intention of marrying? -
Well, it's the same urge that makes dogs chase
cars they have no intention of driving
☻Marriage - an institution in which a man loses
his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her
Masters.
☻After a lengthy quarrel, a wife said to her
husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married
you."
The husband replied: "Yes, dear, but I was in
love and didn't notice it."
☻I
was married by a judge. I should have asked for
a jury. - Groucho Marx
☻I've
sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've
thought again. - Noel Coward
☻Behind
every great man there is a surprised woman. -
Maryon Pearson
☻The
most happy marriage I can imagine to myself
would be the union of a deaf man to a blind
woman. - S. T. Coleridge
☻A
man is incomplete until he is married. After
that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
☻A
good marriage would be between a blind wife and
a deaf husband. - Michel de Montaigne
☻Marriage
changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with
a relative. - Unknown
☻Love
is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the
alarm clock.
☻Can
you imagine a world without men? No crime and
lots of happy, fat women. - Marion Smith
☻There's
a way of transferring funds that is even faster
than electronic banking. It's called marriage. -
James Holt McGavran
☻The
man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets
that she took him - Oscar Wilde
☻An
archaeologist is the best husband a woman can
have. The older she gets, the more interested he
is in her. - Agatha Christie
☻Marriage
is give and take. You'd better give it to her or
she'll take it anyway. - Joey Adams
☻A
husband's last words should always be 'OK buy
it'.
☻They
say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is
thunder and lightning. - Clint Eastwood
☻There's
only one way to have a happy marriage and as
soon as I learn what it is I'll get married
again. - Clint Eastwood
☻The
most dangerous food a man can eat is wedding
cake - Unknown.
☻A
coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a
mortgage. - Marvin Kitman
☻Marriage
is a wonderful institution, but who wants to
live in an institution? - Groucho Marx
☻After
marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a
coin; they just can't face each other, but still
they stay together. - Hemant Joshi
☻A
man's wife has more power over him than the
state has. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
☻The
secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -
Henry Youngman
☻Give
a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
- Mae West
☻The
trouble with some woman is that they get all
excited about nothing, and then marry him - Cher
☻I
never knew what real happiness was until I got
married. And by then it was too late. - Max
Kauffmann
☻I
never married because I have three pets at home
that answer the same purpose as a husband. I
have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot
that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes
home late at night. - Marie Corelli
☻I
require only three things of a man. He must be
handsome, ruthless and stupid. - Dorothy Parker
☻When
a man steals your wife there is no better
revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
☻Keep
your eyes wide open before marriage, and
half-shut afterwards. - Benjamin Franklin
☻Many
a man owes his success to his first wife and his
second wife to his success. - Jim Backus
☻By
all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll
be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a
philosopher. - Socrates
☻A
husband is what is left of the lover after the
nerve is extracted - Helen Rowland
☻Marriage
has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking
for, go live with a car battery. - Erma Bombeck
☻All
tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies
by a marriage. - Lord Byron
☻Some
people ask the secret of our long marriage. We
take time to go to a restaurant two times a
week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music
and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. -
Henry Youngman
☻Marriage
is an adventure, like going to war. - G. K.
Chesterton
☻My
wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy
Durante
☻I
haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't
want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield
☻I
like to wake up each morning feeling a new man.
- Jean Harlow
☻Marriage
is like pi - natural, irrational, and very
important. - Lisa Hoffman
☻To the bride and groom - may we all be
invited to your golden wedding celebrations...
☻To the NewlyWeds: May 'for better or worse' be
far better than worse.
☻To the 2 secrets of a long lasting and happy
marriage
...Here's to good sense of humor and a short
memory!
☻Grooms, once you marry, please remember that
when you have a discussion with your future
wife, always try to get the last two words in:
"Yes dear"
☻You know, the trouble with being the best man at
a wedding is that you never get to actually
prove it.
☻May the best of your past be the worst of your
future
☻Married life has many Ups and Downs...May most
of yours be between the sheets!
☻May the joys you share today, be the beginning
of a lifetime of great happiness and fulfilment
☻To our wives and lovers...may they never meet!
☻Congratulations on the termination of your
isolation and may I express an appreciation of
your determination to end the desperation and
frustration which has caused you so much
consternation in giving you the inspiration to
make a combination to bring an accumulation to
the population.
☻May you grow old on one pillow.
☻Dear [bride's name],
☻Isn't it quite funny how History repeats itself?
[Bride's Age] years ago your Mother and Father
were putting you to bed with a dummy...and now
it's happening all over again
☻I've known many,
Liked not a few,
Loved only one,
I toast to you
☻Here's to the bride - may she share everything
with her husband...and that includes the
housework.
☻To the Bride and Groom - may the roof above you
never fall in and may you both never fall out
☻To the Bride and Groom - live life to the
fullest and remember, this is the first day of
the rest of your life...
☻To my wife...my bride...my joy
☻May your joys be as deep as the Ocean, and your
troubles as light as its foam.
☻May we never forget what is worth remembering or
remember what is best forgotten.
☻A thing of beauty is a joy forever. Here's to
you, my beautiful bride.
☻May our children be blessed with rich parents
☻Here's to my bride: she knows everything about
me, yet loves me just the same.
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