Put-downs
☻You
do sure have a lot of Well-wishers. They'd all
like to throw you down one...
☻Somebody said to me that you ain't fit to
sleep with the pigs. Well, I stuck up for the
pigs.
☻I never forget a face, but in your case
I'll make an exception
☻I hear you're connected to the Police
Department - by a pair of handcuffs...
☻Shouldn't you have a license for being
that ugly?
☻I heard when you were a child your Mother
wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but
the Mafia wanted too much.
☻Why don't you just open your mind and
shut your mouth, both are empty anyway.
☻I hear you were born on April 2; a day
too late!
☻You must be an experiment in Artificial
Stupidity.
☻Everybody has a photographic memory. You
simply don't have the film.
☻You're about as good lookin as a cross
between the Elephant Man and a Pitbull Terrier..
☻You! Off my planet!
☻See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
☻Just out of curiosity, are your parents
siblings?
☻Whilst every girl has the right to be
ugly, you seem to have abused that privelige!
☻You're the kind of man that is a
blueprint for building an idiot.
☻I'd like to leave you with one
thought...unfortunately I ain't sure you have
anywhere to put it!
☻Yeah, yeah, keep talking, someday you
might say something intelligent.
☻Sure, I'd love to help you out...now,
which way did you come in?
☻Excuse me, is that your nose, or are you
eating a Banana?
☻When you were born, did they let your
Mother out of her cell?
☻You're so bent you make roundabouts look
straight!
☻I've seen better hands on a leper!
☻This is an excellent time for you to
become a missing person.
☻You've got more chins than a Chinese
phone book!
☻I've come across rotting bodies that are
less offensive than you are.
☻You're a habit I'd like to kick -- with
both feet.
☻So now we know why some mammals eat their
children...
☻His
mouth is a no-go area. It's like kissing the
Berlin Wall
- Helena Bonhem Carter on Woody Allen
☻There
cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is
already full.
- Henry Kissinger
☻He
has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard.
- Unknown
☻A
fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstien,
but with the attention span of Daffy Duck.
- Tom Shale on Robin Williams
☻If
I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my
dog.
- Joan Rivers on Yoko Ono
☻God
does not play dice with the universe.
- Albert Einstien
☻She
is as wholesome as a bowl of cornflakes and at
least as sexy.
- Dwight McDonald on Doris Day
☻If
you can't convince them, confuse them.
- President Harry S Truman
☻Start
every day off with a smile and get it over with.
- W C Fields
☻He
had the compassion of an icicle and the
generosity of a pawnbroker.
- S J Perelman on Groucho Marx
☻Avoid
all needle drugs. The only dope worth shooting
is Richard Nixon.
- Abbey Hoffman
☻Who
picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
- Don Rickles
☻Breasts
like Granite and a brain like Swiss Cheese
- Billy Wilder on Marilyn Monroe
☻The
thief of bad gags.
- Walter Winchell on Milton Berne
☻I've
noticed that everyone who is for abortion has
already been born
- Ronald Reagan
☻He's
proof that there's life after death.
- Mort Sahl on Ronald Reagan
☻The
only genius with an IQ of 60.
- Gore Vidal on Andy Warhol
☻He's
so ugly they ought to donate his face to the
world wildlife fund.
- Muhammad Ali on Joe Frazier
☻She's
so stupid she returns bowling balls because
they've got holes in them.
- Joan Rivers on Bo Derek
☻For
every action there is an equal and opposite
government program.
- Bob Wells
☻Can't
act. Slightly bald. Can dance a little.
- Screen Tester on Fred Astaire
☻An
empty suit that goes to funerals and plays golf.
- Ross Perot on Dan Quayle
☻Most
of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full
of toilet paper.
- Rex Reed on Marlon Brando
☻He
could start a row in an empty house
- Sir Alex Ferguson on footballer Dennis Wise
☻When
Kissinger can get the Nobel Peace Prize, what is
there left for satire?
- Tom Lehrer on Henry Kissinger
☻Shaw
writes his plays for the ages, the ages between
five and twelve.
- George Nathan on George Bernard Shaw
☻He
is to acting what Liberace was to pumping iron.
- Rex Reed on Sylvester Stallone
☻What
makes him think a middle aged actor, who's
played with a chimp, could have a future in
politics?
- Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood's bid
to become mayor of Carmel
☻Better
a witty fool than a foolish wit.
- Shakespeare
☻A few
fries short of a Happy Meal.
☻Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
☻He's a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic.
☻Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he
only gargled.
☻One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.
☻Not the brightest bulb on the Xmas tree
☻A donut short of being a cop
☻A few feathers short of a whole duck.
☻From the British Army? Are you sure you're not
from the Salvation Army?
☻Which village is missing its idiot?.
☻A Titanic intellect ... In a world full of
icebergs
☻A few clowns short of a circus
☻A few beads short in her rosary.
☻As a failure, you are a great success.
☻You would be out of your depth in a car park
puddle.
☻As bright as Alaska in December.
☻He's several sausages short of a barbecue. If
brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
☻He's so dense, light bends around him
☻She's one tit short of an udder
☻He'll be doing joined up writing next
☻Whose brain will be donated to science and
rejected?
☻He's a day late and a dollar short.
☻All Preparation, no H
☻College letters other than I.O.U
☻The gates are down, the lights are flashing,
but the train isn't anywhere in sight
☻You should request a refund from your
university.
☻Who's several apples short of a bunch?
☻Whose doughnut is out of jam?
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