→ Abracadabra Nope, ur still ugly!
→ Ths msg cn only B read by a SEXY person: Nothing? Sorry, I guess UR just not SEXY… Hey! Dnt force it ugly, get lost!
→ 2 cows in a field. 1 cow says ‘Hv U hrd about ths mad cow disease?’ T oTr thinks & replies ‘Yep but it doesn’t affect us rabbits.’
→ T Japanese hv banned all animal movements after discovering droppings in T Bdding in 2kyo. Ty Blieve it could B a case of Fu2n Mouse.
→ Hw do U occupy an idiot? Press down – Press up!
→ 2 men R fishing. A funeral march goes by. T 1st man places his h@ on his chest. 2nd man says ”Th@’s nice. 1st man says ‘It’s T least I cn do. We wr married for 25 years.’
→ Y did T farmer win a noBl prize? Bcoz he was out st&ing in his field!
→ Y did T jelly baby go 2 school? Bcoz it wanted 2 B a smarty.
→ Wht do U cll a dog with no legs? It doesn’t m@ter wot U cll him, he ain’t gonna cum.
→ For sale complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 74 volumes. Good condition. £1,000 ONO. No longer needed, got married, T wife knows eVthing!
→ I went 2 by sum camouflage trousers T oTr day But I cdnt find NE.
→ Y did T cnnibal rush over 2 T cafeteria? He hrd children wr half price.
→ Y dnt lobsters shR? Bcoz Ty’re shellfish.
→ I’m an alien I’ve transformed in2 Ur ph1 & as U’re reading ths I’m having sex with Ur finger. I know U like it Bcoz I cn C U smiling!
→ T jogger who overslept found himself running… l@e.
→ A girl ph1d me T oTr day & said ‘Come no over, Tre’s nobody home’. I went over. Nobody was home.
→ Woman asks a barman ‘Cn I hv a double entendre please?’ so T barman gave her 1.
→ 2 aerials meet on a roof – fell in love & got married. T ceremony was terrible, but T reception was brilliant!
→ I had a ploughman’s lunch T oTr day. He wasn’t V happy.
→ Y dnt c@s shv? Coz 80% prefer Whiskers!
→ Wht do U cll a vicar on a mo2r bike? Rev.
→ Did U hear about T Dutch man with T infl@able shoes? He popped his clogs!
→ Chelsea signed 2 players from Icel&. Ranieri said ‘If Ty R no good he wll try Sainsburys.
→ Hw do U communic@e with a fish? Drop it a line.
→ Wht do elephants hv for dinner? An hour, just like T rest of T animals.
→ Hw does Bob Marley like his s&wiches? Wi jammin.
→ Wht do U cll a triple barrel shotgun? A trifle.
→ Wht do U cll a h&cuffed man? Trus2rthy.
→ Wht do Mexicns hv under Tir carpets? Underlay! Underlay!
→ Wht’s T maximum penalty of bigamy? 2 moTrs-in-law.
→ Wht do U get if U cross a skunk with a boomerang? A bad smell U cnt get rid of.
→ Wht’s T fastest cake in T world? Sc1.
→ Hw do U kp a txtr in suspense? I’ll tel U l8r.
→ Y R dumb blonde jokes all 1-liners? So men cn underst& Tm.
→ Wot do U do if a blonde throws a grenade @ U? Take T pin out & throw it back.
→ Hv U hrd about T magic trac2r? It went down a country road & turned in2 a field.
→ I want 2 die peacefully in my sleep like my gr&f@her… not screaming in terror like his passengers!
→ Spell hungry horse in 4 letters. M T G G.
→ I used 2 like trac2rs… …but now I’m an extrac2r fan.
→ My wife dresses 2 kill T only problem is th@ she cooks in T same manner.
→ Wht did 1 magnet say 2 T oTr magnet? I find U V @tractive.
→ Hw do U kp an idiot amused? W@ch ths message until it goes away!
→ Tre wr 2 cows in a field – Daisy & MaBl. D: ‘I’ve bn artificially insemin@ed.’
M: ‘I dnt Blieve U!’
D: ‘Straight up, no bull!’
→ Girls think boys are fit. Boys think girls are sexy. But don’t worry… I’m sure science Will come up With something To help you.
→ How to impress a woman: compliment her, kiss her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to her, support her How to impress a man: Show up naked, bring beer
→ There are 4 animal species a woman needs in her life: Jaguar in her garage, mink in her closet, tiger in her bed! And of course adonkey to pay her bills!!
→ The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think
→ Brain Search: Brain detector activated, calibrating, now searching………still searching……get a good grip of your gsm…. still searching…….no brains found
→ Why did they call it PMS? Mad cow disease was already taken! → Mary had a little lamb The doctor fainted!!!
→ When a man talks dirty 2 a women, its sexual harassment when a women talks dirty 2 a man, its £3.95 per minute!
→ Handsome, Sweet, Intelligent, spontaneous, good-looking, nice friends, charming, funny well…Enough about ME! How about you?
→ I Want triplets you want twins…. Lets get in bed and see who wins
→ Hello I am a virus and I am entering your brain right now… Sorry I am leaving now, I can’t find a brain
→ Yesterday night I lay on my bed looking at the stars, then I wondered… Hey, where on earth IS MY ROOF!
→ I wanted to send you something that would make you smile… But the postman told me to get out of the mailbox
→ Drive carefully: 90% of people in this world are caused by accidents…
→ God made man and then rested, God made women and then no one rested
→ Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? It’s like when dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving
→ blonde is on 1 side of a lake and yells 2 another blonde across the lake, ‘How do I get 2 the other side?’ The other blonde yells back, ‘U R on the other side!’
→ How do you keep a blonde busy all day? Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner
→ What do u call a blonde hiding in a closet? The 1987 world hide and seek champion
→ What do 7’tall basketball players do in their off season? Go to the movies and sit in front of you
→ Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went it would be hell
→ Why can’t men get Mad Cow’s Disease? Because they are pigs
→ How many letters are in the Alphabet? Nineteen. Because ET went Home on a UFO and the FBI went after him!
→ What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs? Some traffic signs say stop
→ How do you keep an idiot in suspense…………?? Tell you later……..
→ Why don’t blondes talk whilst having sex? Because their mums told them not to talk to strangers!
→ Never let a man’s mind wander, It’s too little to be out on it’s own!!!!
→ What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake? Tarzipan!
→ Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas? No you can have turkey like everyone else !
→ Who is never hungry at Christmas? The turkey – he’s always stuffed !
→ We had grandma for Christmas dinner? Really, we had turkey!
→ This turkey tastes like an old settee. Well, you asked for something with plenty of stuffing.
→ What does Father Christmas write on his Christmas cards? ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ (No-L !!)
→ Why did the blond woman sneak past the pharmacy? She didn’t want to wake the sleeping tablets!
→ The average woman would rather have beauty than brains… Because the average man can see better than he can think
→ What’s the difference between Bigfoot and intelligent men? Big foot has been spotted a few times
→ What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? Ok you 2, don’t start anything.
→ Two blondes were driving to Disney Land when they saw a sign that read, “Disney Land left” So they turned round and went home.
→ Drink until she’s cute But stop before the wedding!
→ Guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter replies ‘nothing special – we just flat out tell ’em they’re gonna die’.
→ He said: “I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.” She said: “You wear underpants, don’t you?”
→ What’s the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need; a man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.