Funniest Facebook Status Tweets
→ Remember when using “protection” meant wearing your helmet?
→ I don`t hate you but, My attitude has issues with your personality
→ My Bathroom sign reads ” Realize your dreams beyond this door, because this is where the shit happens!”
→ A recent study shows that people who teaches Maths have Lots of Problems
→ Whenever I have a problem I just sing,then I realize my voice is worse than my problem
→ That awkward moment, where theres an awkward moment, and everyone knows it`s an awkward moment, then somebody says, “AWWWKKKKWAAARRDD!”
→ Looking at a painting in a museum and thinking, “PSSH..I could`ve done that!”
→ Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
→ Spongebob has Patrick, Tigger has Pooh, Donald has Daisy and I have you.
→ Troubles are like babies – The more you nurse them, the bigger they grow!!
→ “Mom, I`m going out” “With friends?” “No mom, with terrorists”
→ Parallel lines have got so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
→ if you need space?! JOIN NASA!
→ Isn`t it weird how fairies are always females and the demons always male??
→ My girlfriend asked if I would swim across the ocean for her, and I said It`s freaking 2011, I`ll rent a boat
→ Rhinos are just fat unicorns. If we`d give them the time and attention they deserve, as well as a diet: They`d reveal their majestic ways.
→ Boys insult each other, but they really don`t mean it. Girls compliment each other but they don`t mean it either.
→ When I was born, Devil said “Oh shit, competition..!!”
→ Why is it that in every love story, mom agrees and dad disagrees? It`s because mom knows what love is, and dad knows what boys are. ♥
→ Can I take your picture?? I love to collect pictures of natural disasters
→ “I wasn`t that Drunk”, “Dude you were in my pool trying to find Nemo!”
→ That awkward moment when Dora the Explorer discovers google maps.
→ Awkward moment, When you`re in the car, & you look at the people in thecar next to you, & they`re already looking at you
→ A wise monkey never monkies with another monkey`s monkey!
→ “this movie isn`t even scary!” *Based on a true story* “Oh shit.”
→ Throwing random things at people then acting like it wasn`t you.
→ Mom: “Come here right now!” Me: “NO!” Mom: “1…” Me: “Pssh, like that`ll work.” Mom: “2…” Me: “Oh shit, I`m coming!”
→ Lazy Rules #1:The farther away the remote is, the more you like what`s already on TV.
→ hey, I found your nose. it was in my business again.
→ I don`t understand how Super Mario can smash blocks with his head but dies when he touches a turtle.
→ That awkward moment when you`re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
→ Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep! This is a test this is only a test. If this had been a real emergency I would be running around screaming like a lunatic.
→ I hate when cashiers ask “Is that everything?” Uh no, I`d also like all this invisible shit…
→ No matter how old you are, no matter how badass you think you are, if a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, you answer it.
→ If swimming is an exerciser explain whales to me.
→ Before talking; Please connect the tongue to the brain!
→ I’m not clumsy. It’s just that the floor hates me, tables and chairs attack me, and the wall just gets in the way.
→ “Dude, she just called you disorganized!“ “Oh hell no.. Hold my…oh shit were is it!”
→ “Dude she just called you irresponsible!” “Oh hell no.. Hold my steering wheel!”
→ Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes .
→ I`m jealous of my parents, i`ll never have a kid as cool as theirs 🙂
→ Dad : Son, what do you want for your birthday? Son : Not much dad, just a radio with a sports car around it.
→ Admit it. ………………………………. At some point in time you`ve tried to see if you had superpowers
→ In a group picture, theres always that retard who does the peace sign..
→ The Hardest Desicion of Our Childhood: Charmander, Squirtle or Baulbasaur.
→ “Lets watch a scary movie!” *several hours later* “Dude, walk with me to the bathroom”
→ “Lets stay up all night!” *2 hours later* screw this! I`m tired.
→ That awkward moment when you dont know if you should hug someone or not
→ The awkward moment when you are trying to kill a spider & you lose track of it & then you become a victim in your own home 😉
→ I wasn`t that Drunk . “Dude, you were caught fishing in the toilet”.
→ Everyone has pretended to die infront their pets to see if they would do anything.
→ My mother always told me if you can`t say anything nice, don`t say anything at all.. and some people wonder why i`m so quiet around them..
→ I wasnt that Drunk .” Dude we found you trying to seduce a tree.”
→ Girls, at least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture there.
→ “Sex scene on TV + Parents in same room + No sign of remote = Awkward Atmosphere”
→ I`m fairly sure that my cute next door neighbor thinks I`m a stalker. She wrote it on Facebook, Twitter, And even in both of her diaries.
→ Person: You`ve changed. You: Yes.. I can`t help it, I`m a transformer!
→ Me : Dad, I want to go to a 50 cent concert. Dad: Here is one dollar. Take your sister too. lol
→ Dear middle school girl who thinks she`s a Victoria`s Secret model, mind if I borrow a tissue? Sincerely, it`s falling out of your bra.
→ LIKE IF: Yelling “STAY!“ at a non-living object that keeps falling over as if it`s going to listen to you -_-
→ Oh really? you need space? join NASA!!!
→ Dear fourth grader on facebook, How are you in a complicated relationship? What`d he do, steal your animal crackers?
→ 2 girls wearing the same shirt- “That bitch, copied my style”.. 2 boys wearing the same shirt- “Brother!! :D”
→ At 11:59pm Cinderella should have said to the Prince, “I bet you a million bucks I can turn that carriage into a pumpkin.”
→ “Let`s settle this the mature adult way.” “Rock paper scissors?” “Yep..”
→ The Horrible Moment when you sit down & your thighs get 10x bigger.
→ Dear circle, Do you ever wake up in the morning and realize your life is pointless? Sincerely, square.
→ “Mom, I’m going out” “With friends?” “No, with people i hate…”
→ “Can I see your phone?” “Uhh, hang on second” *delete delete delete* “Ok. Sure. Here you go”
→ Some fairy tales begin with “Once upon a time…” Others begin with “If elected, I promise…”
→ I don`t care how old I am. It`s the fu*king ice cream truck were talking about.
→ Deleting one `ha` from your `Hahahahaha` cause you think it`s a bit TOO much..
→ Dude, you were so drunk you kept falling over… No I wasn`t. I was breakdancing!
→ That awkward moment when you take a nap & wake up the next day.
→ Here, let me tie your shoelaces so you won`t fall for anyone else ♥
→ Old meaning of sorry. “I won`t do it again.” New meaning of sorry. “Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful.”
→ The Awkward Moment when you keep Posting Statuses For your New Crush.. and….. and….. your EX Keep Liking It 😀
→ That awkward moment when you realize you’ve been pronouncing a word wrong your whole life
→ “Omg! Did you fall?!” “no. The ground just came up and banged my face!!”
→ “BE YOURSELF!” is about the worst advice you can give to some people.
→ That awkward moment. When you`re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
→ Oh a spider. You are tiny. I am a great big person. I am a grown up. I can handle this. You are tiny. I am a great big pe- OMG IT MOVED!!
→ My mom says I never finish anyth
→ That awkward moments when you take your phone out and pretend to text…
→ That awkward moment when someone who always starts drama complains that they hate drama
→ My alarm clock is clearly jealous of my amazing relationship with my bed.
→ Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
→ Age is just a number. Yeah, 911 is too.
→ That awkward moment when someone says “OH MY GOSH, YOU GUYS SHOULD DATE.!”
→ I wasnt that drunk… I wasnt that drunk! Dude, you asked your girlfriend if she was single..
→ That look you give your friend when they say something they weren`t supposed to mention in front of your parents.
→ “ACHOO!” “Bless you.” “ACHOOOOO!” “Bless you!” “ACHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” “DUDE, WHAT THE HELL!?”
→ That awkward when you already said “moment” in your head before you even read it..
→ “If your friends jumped off a cliff, would you?” “Why would my friends jump off a cliff?!”
→ “I`M GETTING PAPEEEERRR!!” Grandma please, stop playing with the printer.
→ That awkward moment when your dancing, then you turn around & you realize someone has been watching you the whole time.
→ theres a sickness called hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia
seriously, THERE IS 😛
→ That awkward moment when you feel like you’re going to fall backwards off a chair.
→ My parents used to be happy when I took naps… but now they think I`m lazy.
→ She`s so fake if you look behind her neck it says “made in china”
→ Dear “do not try this at home”⁰Okay! I`ll go to my neighbor`s house .