The Largest Collection of Funny Quotes, Facebook Status, Funny SMS, Whatsapp Status & Tweets

Funniest Facebook Status Tweets

→ Remember when using “protection” meant wearing your helmet?

→ I don`t hate you but, My attitude has issues with your personality

→ My Bathroom sign reads ” Realize your dreams beyond this door, because this is where the shit happens!”

→ A recent study shows that people who teaches Maths have Lots of Problems

→ Whenever I have a problem I just sing,then I realize my voice is worse than my problem

→ That awkward moment, where theres an awkward moment, and everyone knows it`s an awkward moment, then somebody says, “AWWWKKKKWAAARRDD!”

→ Looking at a painting in a museum and thinking, “PSSH..I could`ve done that!”

→ Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.

→ Spongebob has Patrick, Tigger has Pooh, Donald has Daisy and I have you.

→ Troubles are like babies – The more you nurse them, the bigger they grow!!

→ “Mom, I`m going out” “With friends?” “No mom, with terrorists”

→ Parallel lines have got so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

→ if you need space?! JOIN NASA!

→ Isn`t it weird how fairies are always females and the demons always male??

→ My girlfriend asked if I would swim across the ocean for her, and I said It`s freaking 2011, I`ll rent a boat

→ Rhinos are just fat unicorns. If we`d give them the time and attention they deserve, as well as a diet: They`d reveal their majestic ways.

→ Boys insult each other, but they really don`t mean it. Girls compliment each other but they don`t mean it either.

→ When I was born, Devil said “Oh shit, competition..!!”

→ Why is it that in every love story, mom agrees and dad disagrees? It`s because mom knows what love is, and dad knows what boys are. ♥

→ Can I take your picture?? I love to collect pictures of natural disasters

→ “I wasn`t that Drunk”, “Dude you were in my pool trying to find Nemo!”

→ That awkward moment when Dora the Explorer discovers google maps.

→ Awkward moment, When you`re in the car, & you look at the people in thecar next to you, & they`re already looking at you

→ A wise monkey never monkies with another monkey`s monkey!

→ “this movie isn`t even scary!” *Based on a true story* “Oh shit.”

→ Throwing random things at people then acting like it wasn`t you.

→ Mom: “Come here right now!” Me: “NO!” Mom: “1…” Me: “Pssh, like that`ll work.” Mom: “2…” Me: “Oh shit, I`m coming!”

→ Lazy Rules #1:The farther away the remote is, the more you like what`s already on TV.

→ hey, I found your nose. it was in my business again.

→ I don`t understand how Super Mario can smash blocks with his head but dies when he touches a turtle.

→ That awkward moment when you`re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.

→ Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep! This is a test this is only a test. If this had been a real emergency I would be running around screaming like a lunatic.

→ I hate when cashiers ask “Is that everything?” Uh no, I`d also like all this invisible shit…

→ No matter how old you are, no matter how badass you think you are, if a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, you answer it.

→ If swimming is an exerciser explain whales to me.

→ Before talking; Please connect the tongue to the brain!

→ I’m not clumsy. It’s just that the floor hates me, tables and chairs attack me, and the wall just gets in the way.

→ “Dude, she just called you disorganized!“ “Oh hell no.. Hold my…oh shit were is it!”

→ “Dude she just called you irresponsible!” “Oh hell no.. Hold my steering wheel!”

→ Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes .

→ I`m jealous of my parents, i`ll never have a kid as cool as theirs 🙂

→ Dad : Son, what do you want for your birthday? Son : Not much dad, just a radio with a sports car around it.

→ Admit it. ………………………………. At some point in time you`ve tried to see if you had superpowers

→ In a group picture, theres always that retard who does the peace sign..

→ The Hardest Desicion of Our Childhood: Charmander, Squirtle or Baulbasaur.

→ “Lets watch a scary movie!” *several hours later* “Dude, walk with me to the bathroom”

→ “Lets stay up all night!” *2 hours later* screw this! I`m tired.

→ That awkward moment when you dont know if you should hug someone or not

→ The awkward moment when you are trying to kill a spider & you lose track of it & then you become a victim in your own home 😉

→ I wasn`t that Drunk . “Dude, you were caught fishing in the toilet”.

→ Everyone has pretended to die infront their pets to see if they would do anything.

→ My mother always told me if you can`t say anything nice, don`t say anything at all.. and some people wonder why i`m so quiet around them..

→ I wasnt that Drunk .” Dude we found you trying to seduce a tree.”

→ Girls, at least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture there.

→ “Sex scene on TV + Parents in same room + No sign of remote = Awkward Atmosphere”

→ I`m fairly sure that my cute next door neighbor thinks I`m a stalker. She wrote it on Facebook, Twitter, And even in both of her diaries.

→ Person: You`ve changed. You: Yes.. I can`t help it, I`m a transformer!

→ Me : Dad, I want to go to a 50 cent concert. Dad: Here is one dollar. Take your sister too. lol

→ Dear middle school girl who thinks she`s a Victoria`s Secret model, mind if I borrow a tissue? Sincerely, it`s falling out of your bra.

→ LIKE IF: Yelling “STAY!“ at a non-living object that keeps falling over as if it`s going to listen to you -_-

→ Oh really? you need space? join NASA!!!

→ Dear fourth grader on facebook, How are you in a complicated relationship? What`d he do, steal your animal crackers?

→ 2 girls wearing the same shirt- “That bitch, copied my style”.. 2 boys wearing the same shirt- “Brother!! :D”

→ At 11:59pm Cinderella should have said to the Prince, “I bet you a million bucks I can turn that carriage into a pumpkin.”

→ “Let`s settle this the mature adult way.” “Rock paper scissors?” “Yep..”

→ The Horrible Moment when you sit down & your thighs get 10x bigger.

→ Dear circle, Do you ever wake up in the morning and realize your life is pointless? Sincerely, square.

→ “Mom, I’m going out” “With friends?” “No, with people i hate…”

→ “Can I see your phone?” “Uhh, hang on second” *delete delete delete* “Ok. Sure. Here you go”

→ Some fairy tales begin with “Once upon a time…” Others begin with “If elected, I promise…”

→ I don`t care how old I am. It`s the fu*king ice cream truck were talking about.

→ Deleting one `ha` from your `Hahahahaha` cause you think it`s a bit TOO much..

→ Dude, you were so drunk you kept falling over… No I wasn`t. I was breakdancing!

→ That awkward moment when you take a nap & wake up the next day.

→ Here, let me tie your shoelaces so you won`t fall for anyone else ♥

→ Old meaning of sorry. “I won`t do it again.” New meaning of sorry. “Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful.”

→ The Awkward Moment when you keep Posting Statuses For your New Crush.. and….. and….. your EX Keep Liking It 😀

→ That awkward moment when you realize you’ve been pronouncing a word wrong your whole life

→ “Omg! Did you fall?!” “no. The ground just came up and banged my face!!”

→ “BE YOURSELF!” is about the worst advice you can give to some people.

→ That awkward moment. When you`re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.

→ Oh a spider. You are tiny. I am a great big person. I am a grown up. I can handle this. You are tiny. I am a great big pe- OMG IT MOVED!!

→ My mom says I never finish anyth

→ That awkward moments when you take your phone out and pretend to text…

→ That awkward moment when someone who always starts drama complains that they hate drama

→ My alarm clock is clearly jealous of my amazing relationship with my bed.

→ Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”

→ Age is just a number. Yeah, 911 is too.

→ That awkward moment when someone says “OH MY GOSH, YOU GUYS SHOULD DATE.!”

→ I wasnt that drunk… I wasnt that drunk! Dude, you asked your girlfriend if she was single..

→ That look you give your friend when they say something they weren`t supposed to mention in front of your parents.

→ “ACHOO!” “Bless you.” “ACHOOOOO!” “Bless you!” “ACHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” “DUDE, WHAT THE HELL!?”

→ That awkward when you already said “moment” in your head before you even read it..

→ “If your friends jumped off a cliff, would you?” “Why would my friends jump off a cliff?!”

→ “I`M GETTING PAPEEEERRR!!” Grandma please, stop playing with the printer.

→ That awkward moment when your dancing, then you turn around & you realize someone has been watching you the whole time.

→ theres a sickness called hippopotomonstrosesquippedalio​phobia
seriously, THERE IS 😛

→ That awkward moment when you feel like you’re going to fall backwards off a chair.

→ My parents used to be happy when I took naps… but now they think I`m lazy.

→ She`s so fake if you look behind her neck it says “made in china”

→ Dear “do not try this at home”⁰Okay! I`ll go to my neighbor`s house .