The Largest Collection of Funny Quotes, Facebook Status, Funny SMS, Whatsapp Status & Tweets

Mama Quotes Status SMS Jokes

→ Yo Star Trek nerd so hairy she make Chewbacca look like Jean Luc Picard.

→ Your house is so disgusting that I tripped over a rat, got bitten by a tarantula and to top it off – the cockroaches nicked ma wallet…

→ I saw Yo mama at the freak show petting the world’s largest wilderbeast.

→ I could have been Yo daddy, but the gorilla in front of me in line didn’t use a condom.

→ If yo Momma n Poppa got a divorce, heck, they’d still be Brother and Sister

→ Yo mama’s so fat that when she walks across the living room, the radio skips

→ I got on the train last night – they had a new sign up reading – “Maximum Occupancy: 200 Patrons OR Yo Mama”

→ Yo grannie’s so fat, on each of her butt cheeks she has “Place Your Ad Here” printed.

→ Yo mama’s a stunt double for the Predator

→ Yo mama is so bad, when she got called for jury duty she was found guilty.

→ Yo sista so fat that she gets runs in her Levi’s

→ Yo mama’s so fat, she ain’t on a diet, she’s on a Triet – She’s all like – “Whatever yo eating … I’ll try it!”

→ Yo Mother in law’s so fat, she was floating in the Atlantic ocean and Spain claimed her as a New World.

→ Yo mama’s so fat, she gobbles down Cookies as if they were tic-tacs

→ Your moma’s so stupid she thinks a 17 inch Admiral is a well hung sailor.

→ Yo mama’s so large, she went to get an all over tan and the sun burned out…

→ Your mamma’s so fat, the body snatchers called home for backup.

→ Yo AOL buddy so stupid when the Computer said ‘Press any key to continue’, she phoned support complaing she couldn’t find the ‘any’ key…

→ Yo mama’s so stupid, she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest in India.

→ You mama’s so daft she thought Chubby Checkers was a game for fat people.

→ Yo Cousin so stupid that when I said I was going to Thailand she asked me if they still sold Kippers….


→ Your so ugly even the Elephant Man makes jokes about ye!

→ Yo Nana so ugly she didn’t get hit with an ugly stick, but with THE ugly log.

→ I was speaking to your parents – they told me you was such an ugly baby they had to feed you with a slingshot.

→ Yo’ kid brother so hairy, when I took him to the zoo the gorillas went ape shit thinking I had stole one of their babies…

→ Yo mama only got 1 finger and runs around stealing key rings.

→ Yo auntie Ethel’s so toothless, it took her an hour to eat minute rice.

→ Yo mama’s like the new AOL 7.0: Fast, fun, oh so easy and you get 100 hours FREE

→ Yo brother’s mouth so damn enormous, he speaks in Dolby surround sound!

→ Yo girlfriend’s hips are so big, folk set their drinks on them. Your Noggin’s so damn big you gotta wash yer hair in the Niagra Falls…

→ Yo Mama’s so freakin nasty, I talked to her over the PC and she gave me a virus.


→ Yo mama’s like a pirate, there she blows
Yo mama is so fat she has three shirt sizes, jumbo, humongus, and “OH

→ Yo mama so poor i saw her kicking a can down the street and asked her what she was doing she said moving.
Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed with her to see how long she slept.
Yo mama’s so damn stupid on a job application it said “sex” and she wrote Monday wednesday and sometimes friday.

→ Paris and Rico walked into the locker room holding his side and bending over. Paris says “ow man im so sore” Dario asks ” whats wrong?” Paris replies ” man yo mama was rough last night” Rico adds ” she needs to loosen up”

→ Yo mama such a dirty whore that they’re having to paternity test the whole state of Texas just to find out who yo daddy is!

→ Yo mamma so old that in the back seat of your car, kids don’t say ‘Are we there yet’, they scream, ‘Is she Dead yet!’

→ Yo mamas so hairy wen u were born u almost died of rugburn

→ Yo mama smells so bad, when she went to make friends with a skunk, the skunk got hit by a truck on purpose!

→ Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a bathroom and nearly pissed her

→ Yo mama so fat her logo is “we are family, burger king, mc donalds and

→ Yo mama so fat she has all the food caterers on speed dial

→ Yo mama is so big she tripped over wal-mart and landed on target and evey time she passes by the t.v. i miss a seoson of friends

→ Your mommas so old someone told her to act her age and she died

→ Yo mama so poor that when i stepped on a cigarette she cried, hey, who turned off the heater.

→ Your sister is so ugly she reminds me of your mom.

→ Yo mamma so ugly, yo daddy would rather kiss her ass before going work everyday

→ Your moms so ugly the mailman mistacked her as the dog.

→ You mama so fat she stepped on an airplane and it turned into a submarine

→ This is a fact, yo mama’s breath Is wack, she needs a tic, not a tac, but the whole damn pack
I don’t mean to be mean, but yo mama needs listerine, not a sip, not a swallow, but the whole damn bottle.

→ Yo Mama’s teeth are so yellow, cars slow down when she smiles!
Yo Mama’s breath is so bad, she made a tic tac run away!

→ Your jokes are so corny that the corns on your toes got jealous.
Yo mama so ugly when she looked out the window she was arrested for 1st degree murder.

→ Yo mama like a fast food restaraunt – quick and easy!!!

→ Yo moma is so fat when it rains she uses a highway for a slip ‘n’ slide

→ Yo mamma so damn fat that when she traveled back to the dinosaur times and she took a step the dinosaurs said what the hell is happing…oh shit its a real damn earthquake.

→ Your mama so stupid when she saw a kid dress as a devil in halloween she thouth she was in hell

→ Yo Momma’s so ugly, even Sloth from the Goonies wouldn’t date her.

→ Yo mama like a shotgun – five cocks and shes loaded

→ Yo Mamma so damn ugly she makes Anne Ramsey look like J Lo.

→ Yo’ mamma so ugly she got arrested for vandalizing a mirror shop.

→ Yo mama so stupid she put a peep hole in a glass door

→ Yo mama like nascar – two rubbers and shes ready to ride.

→ Yo mama’s so ugly, she made a blind man cry!

→ Yo mamma so old, fat and hairy, that when she took you to the zoo the zookeepers thought a silverback Gorilla had abducted you!

→ Yo mama so fat, that when u were born, they had 2 send out a search party to find ya!

→ Yo mama soooo ugly, she works as a double for Saddam Hussein.

→ Yo moma so stupid if she would to speak her mind she would be speachless

→ Yo mama soooo poor she can’t even pay attention!

→ Yo kid brother so damn ugly that the kids at school have started saying, “Hey Gollum, give us your autograph”

→ Yo mama so0o0o fat, one day she walked out with a yellow rain jacket on and the children began yelling, “Hey, the School Bus is here!”

→ Yo mama so0o0o fat, she takes baths in the Atlantic Ocean

→ Listen buddy, your mommy is so freakin dumb that if you told her pappa was a rolling stone, she’d tell her momma to put mick jagger on child support!

→ Yo Momma so damn fat the Police where going to use her as an emergency air mattress when Michael Jackson started dangling his baby.

→ Hey, yo momma so damn fat when her beeper goes off people turn around to see if she is backin up!!

→ Yo moma so fat when she wears a yellow rain coat all the people yell “taxi”

→ Yo mama’s so damn fat that when she was kidnapped her face covered every side of the milk carton!

→ You so ugly when a friend walked you into school the teachers said sorry no pets aloud!

→ Your Mama so dumb she brought a spoon to the super bowl.

→ Yo Mama’s so damn ugly that she turned your dad gay.

→ Yo mama’s so bald, Mr. Clean got jealous.

→ Hey, your Momma is so sluttie I’d call her a hoe but hoes’ get paid.

→ Yo Mamas so damn greasy that she has to use bacon for a bandaid.

→ Yo’ mama so dumb she got locked inside Matress World and slept on the floor.

→ Yomomma so hairy that when she puts her arm to her side it looks like she has Don King in a headlock.

→ Yo mama so stupid that she got stabbed in a shoot out.

→ Yo mama so fat that when she went to sea world the little kids ran away and told their parents that a whale escaped.

→ Yo’ Mamma is so fat she uses a VHS as a beeper!

→ Yo mama so stupid she sat on the tv and watched the couch.

→ Yo’ Mamma is so fat she uses a VHS as a beeper!

→ Your mama’s so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale!

→ Yo Mama so damn old she used to Gang Bang with the Flintstones and had an affair with Captain Caveman.

→ Yo mamas so fat she shoved a battery up her ass and yelled “I got the Power!”.

→ Yo mama so stupid and clumsy, she got tangled in a cordless phone.

→ Yo mama soooo fat, she put on a yellow dress and the kids thought she was the school bus.

→ Yo’ Sista’s just like a like a Popsicle – everybody wants a fuckin lick!

→ Yo Mamma’s so hairy she just got an armpit trim and lost 20 pounds!

→ Yo Moma sooooo ugly, I could have been yo Daddy but the dog beat me under the fence!

→ Yo momma is soooooo stupid, she wears a t-shirt that says “hukd on fonicks woorkd fo mi”

→ Yo mam like a screen door – after a couple of bangs she tends to loosen up.

→ Yo mama is so fat she sat on a rainbow and made Skittles!

→ Yo mama so stupid she puts a ruler on her pillow to see how long she slept

→ I heard that Yo mama is on the warpath – she lost a finger and now can’t count past 9…

→ Yo mama so nasty when she masterbates, she gets arrested for cruelty to animals.

→ Yo mama’s blind and is seeing another man.

→ Yo mama’s glasses are so damn thick she can see into the future.

→ Yo mama’s so old, she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp.

→ You gotta tell yo moma to stop changing lipstick color – I’m now getting a freakin Rainbow on my d**k!

→ Yo sista so damn stupid on her last job application where it said ‘Sex?’ she marked “M, F, and occasionally on a Thursday too..”

→ You’ big brother so damn stupid that on his last job application, under emergency contact he put 999 (911).

→ Yo mam is so stupid – I just aks her about her X-Men and she said: “Well, my first baby’s daddy was Jimmy…and I still see Johnny on Fridays….”

→ Yo Grannie so stupid she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project.

→ Yo Mother in law’s teeth are so yellow, Dorothy and Toto thought it was the Yellow Brick Road.

→ Yo Momma’s like a Snickers bar – packed full with with nuts.

→ Yo ex-girlfriend’s like Humpty Dumpty… first she gets humped, then she gets dumped.

→ Yo mama’s like a race car driver…she burns a lot of rubbers…

→ Yo Auntie just like the Suez Canal – Vessels full of Seamen passing through everyday…

→ Yo gilfriends’s afro so damb big, when the bitch got in my car everyone thought I had tinted windows.

→ Yo Mama ass so huge she take up 5 rows in the cinema…

→ Yo Papa’s so short, he tried to commit suicide with a pin.

→ Yo Grannie’s so enormous that when she went to the drycleaners to hand in her underwear, they put up a sign – ‘NO PARACHUTES ALLOWED’

→ You Biology teacher so freakin stupid she thinks that DNA is the National Dyslexics Association.

→ Yo’ best friend so idiotic she thoughtt Menopause was a button on her walkman.

→ You Momma so fat and stupid that her waist is bigger than her I.Q.

→ Tell Yo’ girlfriend my Dog wanna know how much he owes her for last night…

→ Yo’ papa so damn strange that he invented a water-proof teabag.

→ Yo mother in law so bald that when she put on a sweater, folk thought she was a roll on deoderant!

→ Did you know flies were given wings so that they could beat yo mama to the dump?

→ I heard yo house was made out of bog paper – why? cuz your whole family full of crap!

→ Yo kid brother so fat and ugly Peter Jackson offered him the part of the Cave Troll in lord of the rings

→ You Nose so damn big that we use yer snotters as Footballs.

→ Yo Momma so mad that she even made Kurt Russell escape from LA.

→ Yo Nana so ghetto she washes paper plates.

→ Oi, yo need to tell you mama to stop wearing the blue lipstick…I got balls like a smurf now!

→ You so skinny, you turned sideways and disappeared.

→ Yo mama’s so bald, when she braids her hair, it remind me of stitches.

→ Yo Mama so fat when she steps on a scale it reads “One at a time, please”.

→ Yo mama so fat and stupid that she was fired from Forrest Gump cuz she kept eating the box of chocolates.

→ Yo Sista so fat the National Weather Agency assigns names to her farts.

→ Yo Mama so poor that she uses tumbleweed as a Xmas tree.

→ You Mommy so hairy she’s got afros on her nipples.

→ Yo’ mama breath so disgustingly bad that she needs Freshmints with batteries in it

→ Yo Papa’s like an old arcade machine – toss in a quarter and you can play with his joystick.

→ Yo mama such a bitch, she interned for Clinton.

→ I told her drinks were on the house…so she went and got a ladder…

→ she make Homer Simpson look like a Nobel Prize winner

→ she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Cif.

→ she noticed a sign reading ‘Wet Floor’…so she just did!

→ it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

→ when you were born, she looked at your umbilical cord and said, “Wow, it comes with cable too!”

→ she asked for a refund on a jigsaw puzzle complaining it was broken.

→ she got locked in the Quickie Mart and nearly starved to death.

→ she sold her Car for Petrol cash!

→ she reckoned a Quarterback was a refund…

→ she once attempted to commit suicide by jumping off a Kerb.

→ she leaves tell tales signs she’s been using my computer – white out (tipp ex) is on the screen.

→ she took a job cutting grass on an Oil Rig.

→ I found her peaking over a glass wall to see what was on the other side.

→ it took her 2 days to make Microwaveable Pot Noodles.

→ she invented a silent car alarm.

→ that when you stand beside her you can actually hear the ocean

→ she really thought the cinema was selling Free Willies…

→ she watches The Three Stooges and takes notes.

→ she was born on Halloween and can’t remember her birthday.

→ she thought Morning Dew was a New York radio station.

→ she lost her shadow.

→ she went to a Whalers game to see Kiko.

→ she somehow got fired from a Blow-Job

→ she thought Hot Meals were stolen food.

→ she make Laurel and Hardy look like Nobel Prize winners.

→ when I asked her to purchase me a Colour TV she asked me…’Which colour?’


→ Anything Yo’s – So Damn Stupid…

→ Yo Poppa so stupid he studied for a Dope test!

→ Yo Postman so stupid that on his recorded delivery form where it says ‘Don’t write below dotted line’, he puts ‘OK’

→ Yo teacher so stupid she booked herself into the Bettie Ford clinic cos she thought she was Hooked On Phonics.

→ Yo Boss so stupid he bought everybody in the department solar powered flashlights incase of a blackout…

→ Yo Business associate so stupid he thought Gangrene was another golf course.

→ Your Kid Sister so damn stupid she put your puppy in the oven to make a Hot Dog.

→ Yo’ Sister is so insanely stupid that last week she asked me to go to the lost and found with her when she missed her period.

→ Yo Dentist so stupid he uses mayonnaise as tooth filler

→ Yo Sister so dumb that she thought Taco Bell was Mexican phone company.

→ Your Grandpa so achingly stupid he think Beirut is a famous baseballer.

→ Your kid bro so stupid he try to strangle himself with his mobile phone.

→ Yo Minister so stupid he gives Sermons on Genesis….Phil Collins old band…

→ Your Kid sister so damn stupid she stands up on an empty School bus.

→ Yo Mom so stupid that Oxford had to change the definition of Dumb…it now read: Dumb(n) – yo’ Mama

→ Yo Burglar so stupid he broke into yo house and stole food stamps

→ You cousin so stupid I told him to take out the garbage…so he moved house…

→ Yo Bus driver so stupid that she went to Disneyworld, saw a sign that said “Disneyworld Left” so drove home.

→ Yo Politics professor so stupid he ask George W Bush to guest lecture on Government 101.

→ Yo’ accountant so darn stupid he thinks a Quarterback is an income tax refund.

→ Your Computer Repairman so stupid he picks up your floppy’s with magnets

→ Yo Mother-in-law so stupid, she won first place in the Dan Quale spelling contest

→ Yo Archeology Professor so damn stupid they have to dig for her IQ!

→ Yo Girlfriend so stupid, she teaches night classes at Stupid College.

→ Yo’ Father in law so idiotic that he took a spoon to the superbowl.

→ Yo Sister’s so stupid she could trip over a cordless telephone.

→ Yo Dog walker so stupid he took yo pet dog to the Clippers game to get him a haircut

→ Your Big Sister so god awfully stupid that they had to burn her school down just to get her out of 3rd grade.

→ Yo Father’s so freakin stupid he has 1 toe on each foot, yet he just bought himself a pair of flip flops.

→ You Grandma’s so stupid when I tell her it’s chilly outside, she goes to fetch a bowl.

→ Your Grandpa so freakin stupid he sent me a fax with a 1st class stamp on it!

→ Yo BT Telephone repairman so freakin stupid he asked me what the number for 999 was…

→ Yo girlfriend so stupid when her Apple Mac says ‘You’ve got mail” she runs outside to wait for the Postman

→ Yo Uncle so astonishingly stupid that he thought Nestle Cheerio’s were a new type of Donut Seed

→ Yo Auntie so dumb her weekly shopping list consist of 1 item – ‘Hundreds and thousands’

→ Your Dog’s so stupid he bury’s his own tail

→ Yo mama’s so stupid, wait…she had you didn’t she!

→ Yo Mother in law so stupid I saw her in Safeway’s frozen food section with a fishing rod

→ Yo Uncle so stupid…heck, he marry your Auntie for christ sake!

→ Yo Priest so stupid I saw him worshiping at the feet of David Copperfield

→ Yo Reverand so stupid he asks David Ike for advice

→ Yo Grannie so dumb she go to the 24-hr convenience store and asks what time do they close…

→ Yo Mother in law so hellishly stupid, that Tony Blair is considering making dumbness a crime, punishable by lethal injection.

→ Your doctor’s so stupid he uses his mp3 player as a stethoscope

→ Yo Mama So Ugly

→ she put the Boogie man outta business.

→ she make Michael Jackson look like Brad Pitt

→ when she wobbles down the street in September, folk say, “Damn it, can’t believe it’s Halloween already…”

→ when she applied for the ugly contest they told her ‘NO Professionals’

→ she looked out her window and was arrested for indecent exposure!

→ minutes after she was born her Mother shouted ‘What a treasure!” and her Poppa said “Yes, now let’s go and bury her…”

→ they push her face into the dough mixture when making Monster cookies.

→ when they took her to the Beautician it took 10 hours….and that was just for the quote!

→ yer Daddy takes her to work each day so he doesny have to kiss her goodbye…

→ she put Marilyn Manson out of business.

→ she was a guard at Snake Mountain

→ they knew what time she was born cuz her face stopped the clock…

→ even Harry Knowles refused to date her.

→ they embalmed her face on a box of super-strength laxatives and sold it empty!

→ she gets 364 extra days just to dress up for Halloween.

→ Tony Blair moved Halloween to her birthday.

→ you papa throws the ugly stick and she goes fetches it every time.

→ she scared the stitching outta Frankenstein.

→ we had to tie a steak round her neck so the dogs would play with her.

→ I heard yer Father first met her at the Zoo.

→ her shadow gave up.

→ people at the Zoo pay cash so they DON’t have to see her…

→ her mom had to be Pissed drunk just to breast feed her.

→ when born, the doctors had to fit her incubator with tinted windows.

→ hotel managers use her picture to keep away the Rats.

→ instead of round the ankles, they put the Bungee Jumping cord round her neck.

→ they gave her a middle name…’accident’.

→ she fell out of the Ugly Tree, hitting every branch on the way down.

→ when she walked into the Haunted House, she came back out with a Job Application!

→ even Slicky Willy Clinton refused to sleep with her…

→ when she was born the Doc smacked her face.


→ Anything Yo’s – So Ugly…

→ Yo Poppa so ugly he turned Medusa to Stone.

→ Yo Postman so freakin ugly he made the guard dogs shit themselves.

→ Yo Dentist so ugly they don’t need anasthetics

→ Yo Boss so ugly people go as him for halloween.

→ Yo Priest so ugly that he have to give his Sermon from inside the Confessional Box.

→ Yo Teacher so ugly when she walks into the Building Society they turn off the CCTV cameras.

→ Yo Sister so Ugly that George Lucas cast her in Star Wars 3 as Jabbas wife – without the need for a costume.

→ Your kid bro so ugly that for Halloween he tricks or treats on his mobile phone!

→ Your Kid sister so damn ugly that when she sits on a sand dune at the beach, the cats try to bury her.

→ You cousin so ugly that when he threw a boomerang, it refused to come back.

→ Yo Driving Instructor’s so ugly he has to wear a ski-mask when teaching.

→ Yo Mother-in-law so ugly, she won first place in the Wookie lookalike contest.

→ Your Girlfriend’s so insanely ugly that I can screw her in any position and it’s still Doggy-style!

→ Yo Girlfriend so ugly they put her in the Chimp enclosure to stop the Chimpanzee’s from jerking off!

→ Yo’ Father in law so ugly that his American Express card left home without him…

→ Yo Sister’s so ugly that she must been conceived on the Motorway – ain’t that where most accidents happen?

→ Yo Dog walker so ugly that he once took your Mutt to Crufts and WON – oh, the dog came second…

→ Your sister-in-law so god awful ugly that Durex want to use her as a poster child.

→ Yo Father’s so ugly his hairline ain’t receding…it’s his hair that’s running away from his ugly noggin.

→ You Grandma’s so Ugly her Shrink makes her lie face down on the couch.

→ Your Grandpa so freakin ugly that when he gets up in the mornin, the Sun goes down.

→ Yo’ Mum so ugli that even Prince Charming refuses to kiss her – he’d rather live as a frog.

→ Yo older sister so ugly that Mommy had to feed her with a fishing rod.

→ Yo Uncle so astonishingly ugly that whenever he comes over and goes to your bathroom, the toilet flushes.

→ Your Dog’s so ugly as yo Momma that I had to shave its arse and make it walk backwards…

→ Yo mama’s so ugly, hold on….you got a mirror handy???

→ Yo Mama’s sister so ugly that Blind men refuse to have sex with her.

→ Yo Uncle so ugly, Spielberg wants him in Addams Family 3

→ Your kid so ugly the Doctor is STILL smacking his ass.

→ Yo Mother in law so hellishly ugly, that president George W Bush is considering making ugliness a crime, punishable by the electric chair

→ Yo Momma’s so ugly that she hurt my feelings…

→ Your doctor’s so ugly she manages to give Freddy Kreuger Nightmares!

→ Yo Moma So Old

→ she left her purse on Noah’s Ark.

→ Jurassic Park brought back the memories…

→ when she ran the 100 metre dash, they timed her with a sundial.

→ she still owes Moses a dollar.

→ when she was at school…there was No history class!

→ she uses her hot flushes to heat her cup of Tea

→ she’s got the first autographed Koran.

→ she co-wrote the 4th Commandment.

→ when I asked for her ID she handed me a rock

→ she even made Yoda jealous.

→ she recalls when the Grand Canyon was a ditch.

→ the fire department are on standby when you light her birthday cake

→ when she gave birth, You came out with Dentures.

→ she sat in front of Jesus in 1st grade

→ her first job was as Cain and Abel’s baby-sitter.

→ vher birthday expired.

→ when Moses parted the Red Sea, he found yo momma fishing on the other side!

→ she got the first copy of the Ten Commandments.

→ Anything Yo’s – So Old …

→ Yo Grandpa so old his social security number is 000-000-001

→ Yo Priest so old he’s got Adam and Eve’s autograph

→ Yo Archeology Professor so old we found cave drawings of her.

→ Your Wife getting so old she startin to fart out Mummy dust

→ You Postman so damn old his zip code is 00001.

→ Yo’ geeky Star Wars friend so old he used to baby sit Yoda

→ Yo Doctor so old he uses chewing gum as a bandaid.

→ Yo hairdresser so old she used to cut Betty Rubble’s hair

→ You so old you used to gang bang wid the Flintstones

→ Yo’ home helper so old she was once a waitress at the last supper

→ Yo Grannie so old Spielberg hired her as historical consultant on Jurassic Park

→ Yo Nana so old she the only Creature in Jurassic Park they never had to animate

→ You Gardener so old she uses T-Rex dropping as fertilizer.

→ Yo History teacher so damn old he was co-author of the Dead Sea scrolls

→ Your Aunties so old that when God said ‘let there be light’, she was the one flicking on the light switch.

→ Yo Math teacher so old he baby-sat for Pythagorus

→ Yo Minister so old he used to get sermon tips from Zeus.

→ Yo Bookie so old he offered odds of 4 to 1 on Adam eating the apple

→ Yo Poppa so old and ugly they call him Captain Caveman

→ Yo sister so old she’s more ancient than everything seen on the Antiques Road Show

→ yo’ Mother in law so old she the only one at the old folks home with a senior citizens discount.

→ Yo’ Papa so ancient that Mel Gibson hired him to offer insights on what life was like with William Wallace

→ I told yo big sister to act her own age…and she died.

→ You Dog so old it farts out dust.

→ Yo Boyfriend so old his birth certificate says “Expired” on it.

→ Yo Computer geek friend so old he used to babysit Pascal

→ Your Girlfriend’s so old, she invented the term ‘oldest profession in the world’

→ Yo’ mother-in-law so ancient she’s in Jesus’s yearbook!

→ Yo Gardener’s so damn old he remembers when the Garden of Eden was just a plant

→ Yo’ big brother so old, he used to run Track with dinosaurs.

→ Your mother-in-law so freakin old she’s got ROman Numerals on her birth certificate

→ Yo Moma So Poor

→ that your family ate Cornflakes with a fork to save milk.

→ they put her photo on food stamps.

→ when I visited her trailer, 2 cockroaches tripped me and a Rat tried to steal me wallet.

→ she waves an ice lolly around and calls it Air conditioning.

→ burglars break into her home and leave money.

→ when I told her about the last supper she thought the food stamps had run out.

→ the building society repossed her cardboard box.

→ she watches television on an Etch-A-Sketch.

→ each night she goes to KFC to lick other folk’s fingers

→ she can’t even afford to go to the free clinic.

→ when I saw her kickin a can down the road I asked her what she was doing….’Moving’ she replied.

→ I caught her trying to use food stamps in the Gobstopper machine.

→ when I rang her doorbell, SHE said ‘Ding-Dong’

→ I asked her where the ‘facilities were’ and she replied – “Pick a corner…ANY corner…”

→ I visited her house, tore down the cob webs and she screamed – “Who’s tearing down the drapes!!!!”

→ I walked into her home, asked if I could use her toilet, and she said “Sure thing, it’s 4th tree on your right…”

→ only time she smelled Hot Food was when a rich bloke farted…

→ when I saw her wobbling down the street with 1 shoe, I hollered – “Lost a shoe?”, and she said – “Nope…just found one…”

→ she hangs the Toilet paper out to dry.

→ closest thing to a car she owns is a low-riding Shopping trolley….with a box on it…

→ she had to take out a second mortgage on her cardboard box.

→ I went into her ‘living room’, stepped on a Fag butt and she shouted – “Oi, who turned off the heater!”

→ I once threw a stone at a garbage can, and out she popped saying – “Who knocked???”

→ I went through her front door and tripped over the back fence.

→ she does drive by shootings on the school bus.

→ when she asked me over to dinner I took a paper plate from the kitchen and she groule – “Don’t use the good china”

→ Anything Yo’s – So Poor…

→ You’re so poor even Beggars give you money.

→ Yo Grannie so damn poor she bounces food stamps.

→ Your Teachers so poor she can’t even afford to pay attention.

→ Yo Priest so poor he uses cardboard and ribena as bread and wine substitutes.

→ Yo Doctor so poor, he uses chewing gum as a bandaid.

→ You family so poor you’s live in a 2-story Cracker Jack box.

→ Yo sister is so po…shit, she can’t even afford them last 2 letters!

→ Yo Dentist is so poor she uses white-out/tippex as your tooth filler.

→ Yo’ Cleaner so poor she can’t afford a mop – she stands on her head in order to mop the floor…

→ Yo Poppa so poor his idea of Desert was to go outside and collect the ‘yellow snow’…and yo loved it, didn’t ya!

→ You Star Wars friend so insanely poor that I walked into his house, asked to use the bathroom, and he handed me a shovel saying: “May the force be with you.”

→ Yo Father so poor that when I aks him what for dinner, he take off his shoelaces and says – Spaghetti!

→ Yo older sis getting so poor she’s planning on getting married…just so she can get the rice at the wedding.

→ Your lecturer so poor he uses his cardboard box as a blackboard.

→ Yo’ so poor, you get more government handouts than an English farmer

→ Yo’ best friend so poor he have to fart just to get a scent (cent).

→ Yo Gossiping wife so poor she can’t even afford to put her two cents into this conversation…

→ Yo Grannie so poor that when I asked her what’s for dinner, she tried to throw ME in the oven!

→ Yo’ Mommy so poor I went over for dinner, saw 3 beans on the table…took one and she said – “Don’t be greedy!”

→ You Auntie’s so poor she gotta live in a 2-story Dorritos bag…

→ Yo big brother so freakin poor I stepped on his old banged up skateboard and he yelled – “Get off my F****in CAR”

→ Yo Computer geek friend so poor he uses a Commodore 64 to surf the web.

→ Your pimp so poor he just bought an imitation of a fake Rolex

→ Yo Reverand so poor the congregation run over animals outside the church just to help with food…

→ Yo Gardener’s so damn poor that when I pissed in his yard he thanked me for watering the lawn…

→ Yo Mama’s so damn poor, her front porch matt says ‘Wel’…

→ You so piss poor…hold on, you don’t have a pot to piss in or even a window to throw it out of…

→ Yo Uncle so poor I went into his house, swatted a pesky firefly and he screamed – “Who turned out the lights?”

→ Yo Nana so sickenly poor I walks into her house, asked to use the toilet and she hand me 2 large sticks. I ask what they’re for and she says: “Use one to hold up the ceiling…use the other to fight off the cockroaches…”

→ Yo half-sister so damn poor even the Republicans were willing to give her welfare.

→ Anything Yo’s….

→ Yo Mamma’s feet so skanky that when your family wants jam pieces, she gets yo brother to run a loaf of bread between her toes.

→ Yo’ Grannies neck so damn wrinkled, I use it as a cheese grater.

→ I got notin bad to say about Yo Momma – heck, her face says it all…

→ Your pet Cat so freakin nasty it bit ma dog and gave it rabies.

→ Yo Auntie so stinkin that a skunk smelled her butt and passed out.

→ Yo mama’s so poor, TV dinner trays are her good china.

→ Damn it, just realised that last yo is as old as the crust in yo Sister’s knickers…

→ You liked that mama joke didn’t ya? Good?…well, nowhere near as good as Yo Mama was last night 🙂

→ But, hey, if I wanted a comeback, christ, I’d just wipe it off Yo Mamma’s chin…

→ Yo Mama like a television – even a 2 year old can turn her on!

→ You brother so hairy Big foot is taking his picture..

→ Yo Mother in law so stinky she use Right Guard and Left Guard.

→ Your Grandpa’s so hairy, Jane Goodall follows him around.

→ Yo Star wars geeky friend so damn hairy, she’s a stunt double for Chewbacca and her baby daughter played the leader of the Ewoks (no makeup needed).

→ Yo English teacher so damn stupid, she failed a survey…

→ Yo Sista like a mailbox, open all day and all night…

→ Yo mama’s so clumsy, she got tangled up in a Mobile phone.

→ Yo mama’s like an elevator – blokes go up and down on her all day. Yo Mother in law so dmamnd Dislexus when I told her to go get some Head and Shoulders…she jump on top of me Shoulders and gave me head!!!

→ Your IM buddies so damn stanky, I can smell them over the interweb

→ Only job yo ever gonna get is as a blind bird-watcher.

→ Yo idiotic Doctor so damn greasy that he uses Bacon as a bandaid

→ Yo Dog so short it’s best friend is an Ant.

→ Yo Auntie so flat chested she jealous of the wall.

→ Yo girlfriend so cheap I threw her a penny for sex and she gave me change…

→ The first line in the Bible was mistranslated – it actually reads – ‘In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth and yo’ fat ugly Mama’

→ Yo Grandpa’s house so damned cold, the Roaches ice skate around the kitchen.

→ Yo Momma house so small that I put my Key in the doorlock and broke the freakin back window!

→ I heard yo mama got fired from her job at the sperm bank – the boss caught her drinking on the job…

→ Yo baby sista’s nose so long, it make Steffi Graf jealous…

→ Yo Mam so damn ugly, look like the ho was hit by the whole freakin Ugly Tree!!!

→ Yo Mama so old – heck, the first line of the Koran was mistranslated – it should read ‘All praise is due to Allah, the Lord of the Worlds and Father of Yo’ Mama’…

→ I heard that yo Granny was so disgustingly ugly that on a holiday to Egypt she looked up a Camel’s ass and scared the hump off of it!

→ Yo Driving Instructor so damn old he got hieroglyphics on his Driver license.

→ Yo Cousin so old she drives a chariot to High school

→ I took yo Mama to the Doctor’s – I tell him that she feeling poorly and that she only got 1 toe and 1 knee. Doc tells me she’s contracted ‘Tony’…

→ Yo Boss so damn ugly that when he leaned out the window the Police arrested him for attempted murder

→ That Grandpa of your’s so stupid and poor that when I came over for Dinner he read me recipes…

→ Yo wee brother so damn hairy that he went for a short back and sides and lost 30 pounds…

→ Yo mama’s chest hair so damn long, it growing all the way down to her willy.

→ Yo mama’s so nice, she offered me the hair off her back.

→ Yo Mother in law so nasty, she got more clap than an auditorium.

→ I’s apologise for talkin bout Yo Mama…I should know better…hell, I don’t even know the Man…

→ No seriously, under all that hair yo Mama is really a Saint….a saint Bernard!

→ But really, yo Mamma is just like a golf course – everybody gets a hole in one!

→ Yo Nana still so fat she wears a Microwave as a beeper.

→ And yo Mother-in-law so huge she stole my pillow cases when she ran outta socks.

→ Yo mama should be locked away, cos every time she moons people they turn into werewolves

→ She nasty too ya know – yo daddy just got out of hospital after eating her out – he caught food poisining…

→ Yo’momma so ugly she actually is very good at her job: Being a scarecrow

→ Yo Momma Like

→ a hardware store – only 10 cents a screw.

→ a bus – only 50 pence a ride

→ a 747 – a 3 man cock pit!

→ a shotgun – first she cocks…then she blows.

→ a Hoover – she sucks, blows, and finally gets laid back in the closet…

→ a BT phonebox – on every damn corner and costs only 20p a go

→ an arcade machine – dirty, smelly, costs 20 pence and lasts 30 seconds

→ a door knob – cos everybody gets a turn!

→ the sun – if you stare at her too long you’re gonna go blind.

→ a Christmas tree – everybody hangs balls on her.

→ Pizza Hut – not there in 30 minutes…it’s free.

→ a Bowling Ball – she gets picked up, fingered, thrown into the gutter, yet she still comes back for more…

→ a stamp – you lick her, then stick her, and finally then send her away.

→ McDonalds … Billions and Billions served…

→ a railroad track – she gets laid all over the country.

→ the Pillsbury dough boy – everybody loves to poke her

→ a Scooter – everybody ridin her but nobody admitting it

→ peanut butter — oh so smooth, creamy, and easy to spread.


→ Anything Yo’s

→ Yo secretary is like an ATM machine – open 24 hours…

→ Yo Female Boss like a 7-11…open 24 hours for your convenience…

→ Yo Sister-in-law like a chicken coop – cocks flyin in and out all day…

→ Yo’ ex-girlfriend just like a squirrel – she always got some nuts in her mouth…

→ Your Big sis like the Bermuda triangle…they swallow a whole lotta seamen.

→ Yo’ Cousin like a Penny…she ain’t worth two bob.

→ Yo Auntie like a Library – open to the public.

→ Your Mummy like Blockbuster Video – everybody goes home happy.

→ Your Aunt Mary just like a birthday cake – everybody gets a piece…

→ Yo Chip shop assistant like a fine restaraunt – she only take deliviries in rear…

→ Yo Momma so Smelly

→ the government make her wear a Biohazard warning

→ she made Right Guard call for backup.

→ even the dogs won’t smell her.

→ an old blind geezer walking by asked her ‘yo, how much for the shrimp platter?”

→ that when she spread her legs, I got seasick…

→ she wiz playin in my Sand Box and the cat came along and buried her.

→ her poo is glad to escape.

→ that standing next to a skunk, the Skunko smells sweet!

→ that the only dis I’m gonna give her is Disinfectent…

→ that when you was being born, the doctor’s and nurses all had to wear oxygen masks…

→ even sewer rats get outta her way…

→ that farmers use her bathwater as liquid fertilizer…


→ Yo Momma so Dirty

→ she has to creep up on the bath water.

→ that standin next to a tramp, she make the tramp look like a butler.

→ that her house is so dirty I gotta wipe my feet before I go back outside.

→ she lost 2 stone after taking a shower

→ that even the Swamp Thing insisted she showered.

→ that Saddam Hussain tried to import her bath water to use as chemical weapons.


→ Yo Momma so Greasy

→ Texaco buy oil from her

→ she got a job at the cinema – buttering popcorn with her leg hair…

→ her freckles slipped off.

→ the Chip Shop uses her sweat as Deep Fry

→ she sweats butter, syrup, excretes jam…and has a full time job at the ‘Pancake Palace’ wiping pancakes across her forheed

→ her idea of bottled water is the left over oil slime from a bacon, sausage and egg fry up.

→ she uses bacon as a band aid.

→ Your Mama So Fat

→ when she step on the Weight Scales it says…’to be continued’…

→ she once went on a seafood diet…whenever she saw food she ate it!

→ folk exercise by jogging around her!

→ when she bends over, we enter Daylight Saving Time.

→ she sat on a Nintendo Gamecube and it turned into a gameboy

→ she make Kiko the Whale look like a Smartie

→ NASA plan to use her to shore up the hole in the Ozone layer

→ she was measured at 38-26-36 and that was just the left arm…

→ small objects orbit her.

→ she make olympic sumo wrestlers look anerixic.

→ when I tell her to haul ass, she gotta make two trips.

→ when she farted she launched herself into orbit.

→ she lost a game at Hide&Seek only cos I spotted her…behind Mount Everest.

→ when I had to swerve to avoid hitting her on the road I ran out of Petrol!

→ she could be the eighth continent.

→ she nearly put Safeway out of business

→ the only thing that’s attracted to her is gravity.

→ her Uni graduation photo was an aerial

→ when she auditioned for a part in Raiders of the Lost Ark she got the part of the big Rolling Ball.

→ she make Jabba the Hutt look anorexic.

→ her fave food is seconds.

→ her belt size is Equator.

→ she eats Desert out of a Trash Can lid

→ she wears an ‘X’ jacket and Copters attempt to land on her

→ she shows up on radar.

→ she needs a map to find her butt.

→ she fell into the Grand Canyon….and got stuck!

→ she wears an asteroid belt.

→ her Passport photo says ‘Picture is continued overleaf’

→ she has TB … 2 bellys.

→ she’s once, twice, three times a lady.

→ she was in the Daily Record last week on page 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9.

→ the circus use her as a trampoline

→ stunt agencies use her as an air mattress

→ when she opens the Fridge it says – ‘I give up…’

→ she got a new gig at the Cinema…she works as the screen

→ she once told me ‘I could eat a horse’…believe me, she wasn’t kidding!

→ she deep fries her toothpaste.


→ Anything Yo’s – So Fat…

→ Yo Grannie so damn fat, that if she was an Aeroplane, she’d be a Jumbo Jet.

→ Yo Grandpa so fat that he’s half Scottish, half Irish and half American

→ Yo Wife so fat she fell off a boat and the Captain yelled, “Land Ahoy!!!”

→ Yo Priest so fat, when he bungee jumped he went straight to hell…

→ Yo Doctor so fat, that when her Beeper goes off folk think she’s backing up.

→ Yo Auntie so fat when she goes to Gap the only thing she can fit into is the Dressing Room

→ Yo Bookie so fat he gotta buy clothes by the furlon

→ Yo Dentist so fat that when he burped he blew out all yo mamma’s teeth…that why she so ugly!

→ Yo Papa’s so large when you climb on top of him your ears pop.

→ Yo Father so fat that when he sat on a Rainbow skittles fell out.

→ Yo Sister so fat that even Richard Simmons can’t help laughing

→ Yo Sis so Monstrous she uses Soccer balls for earrings.

→ Yo Father so fat he can’t even tie his own shoelaces

→ Yo Mama so huge that God created her…and on the seventh day rested.

→ Your Kid Sister so fat the Japanese Sumo Wrestling squad had to turn her down.

→ Yo Star Trek fan so fat he make Riker’s beer belly look 2 atoms thick

→ Yo Lawyer’s so fat…we’re inside her right now.

→ Yo’ Baker so freakin fat he masturbates when reading cookbooks

→ Yo Auntie so fat that Weight Watchers threw her out for breaking the scales.

→ Yo Boss so fat that when she calls a board meeting she has to pull herself up a Sofa.

→ Yo Air hostess so fat that on a scale of 1 to 10 she a 747.

→ Your boyfriend so fat he hasn’t seen his feet for 10 years

→ Yo Bro so fat that when he farted, Mars came out…and I ain’t talkin bout the ‘sweetie’

→ You Nana so fat that when she went for a swim in the ocean she caused a 60 foot tidal wave.

→ Yo Music teacher so freakin Fat that she whistles Bass

→ Yo Postman so fat he got his very own Post Code

→ You cousin so fat she’s on Both sides of the family.

→ Yo Girlfriend so fat I ask her to go get a Curry and she bring back 80 pounds of gravy.

→ Yo kid brother so fat he sat on 4 quarters and made a dollar.

→ Your Mom so fat she uses a bed mattress for a maxipad

→ Yo wife so fat she got more nooks and Crannies than a Ploughman’s pastry

→ Yo Sister so fat she got a new job DJ’ing for the Ice Cream Van.

→ Yo Momma so fat all chairs in the house have their own seatbelts.

→ Yo Dog so fat that when you take it ‘walkies’ it don’t know whether it walking or rolling

→ Your Mommas so fat, when it says All you can eat it still ain’t enough.

→ Yo’ Astronomer so fat she plays pool with Venus….and Neptune…and pluto…and…

→ Yo Moma…

→ has 10 fingers — all on the same hand.

→ has green hair and thinks she’s a Tree.

→ has a peanut butter wig with jelly sideburns.

→ has wooden boobs and breast feeds beavers

→ has one short leg and that why she always walking in circles…

→ has a major weight problem – she can’t wait…to eat.

→ got a house that’s so dusty, the Cockroaches drive around in Dune Buggies

→ got a glass eye with a fish in it.

→ got so much hair on her upper lip she has to braid it

→ got so much dandruff that a Midgie landed on her head and said: “Christ, I aint’ seen this much snow in years.”

→ got so much hair on her chest that her Breasts remind me of Coconuts…

→ is a carpenter’s dream – flat as a board and so easy to nail…

→ Anything Yo’s

→ Yo Grannies got more chins than a Hong Kong phone book.

→ You got no arms, no legs, and when you go swimming they call you Bob

→ Yo Wife got more weave than a dog in rush hour traffic.

→ Yo Girlfriend got an ElectroWig – including sunroof and Opera lights

→ Yo Big brother got a wooden nipple and they call him Corky.

→ Yo Priest got ears so big he gets satellite reception.

→ Your kid bro got more crust round his mouth than a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

→ Yo Milkman’s teeth so damn yellow I can’t believe it’s not butter

→ Your Wife getting so old she startin to fart out Mummy dust

→ Yo Mother in law so yellow you’d think she’d been blowing the Simpsons

→ Yo mama’s got a wooden leg with branches. Yo’ baby sister got more mouth than Julia Roberts

→ Yo’ Boy next door got an Afro with a turn signal in it.

→ Yo Doc’ got 1 wooden leg with a real foot.

→ You geeky Star Wars girlfriend got more bum fur than an Ewok.

→ Yo Mommy got so many gaps in her teeth it reminds me of Piano keys

→ Yo Best Friend only got two fingers and she’s a representative for world peace.

→ Yo’ humor webmaster so desperate for money he got a wooden leg with advertisements stapled to it.

→ You Computer Geek friend got one tooth and they call him Chomping-at-the-Bits

→ Yo’ Nana’s teeth so damb black you’d think she had coal for her dinner

→ Yo Grannie had more men than the grand old duke of york…and then some…

→ Your Auntie got one leg…and folk call her Eileen

→ Yo kid sister got so many rings round her belly that she gotta screw her underware on

→ Yo cousin got 3 teeth … one in her mouth and two in her pocket.

→ Yo PE teacher has one arm and swims round in circles

→ Yo Dentist got Summer teeth…summer in his mouth….summer in his trouser pockets…

→ You Wife got more crack than harlem

→ Your Dentist made yo teeth so crooked you use them to cut chain at the DIY store.