The Largest Collection of Funny Quotes, Facebook Status, Funny SMS, Whatsapp Status & Tweets

Funny Quotes Status SMS Jokes

→ 20% of the population is now drinking coffee, 60% is having sex, 19% is watching television and one yokel is now holding his mobile in his hand
→ A woman likes to have four animals in the house: a jaguar in front of the doorway, a fox in the closet, a bull in bed, and a numbskulll to pay for this all.
→ Are these your eyes, I found them between my brests!
→ At this moment i have a déjà vu and a loss of memory at the same time. I thin I have forgotten this before.

→ Be friendly with your kids, they choose your home when you are old!
→ Be nice to the ones who smoke.. every cigarette migh be their last.
→ BEEB! Send this message to 5 of your friends and you will have unbelieveble sex tonight! If you break this chain, you’ll never have multiple orgasm again!
→ Birdy birdy in the sky, left a poopie in my eye. Me don’t care, me don’t cry, me just happy that a cow can’t fly!!
→ Braindetector activated, calibrating, now searching………still searching……get a good grip of your mobile….still searching…….no brains found.
→ Did I not see you yesterday at the mall, with a grey jacket? No? O, than it was a rubbish bag after all! .
→ Do not disturb, I am enough disturbed as it is . . .
→ Don’t feel sad, don’t feel glue, Einstein was ugly too !
→ E man pays $.2,00 for a $.1,00 item that he needs, a woman pays $.1,00 for $.2,00 item that she does not need.
→ Excessive use of alcohol can lead to a pregnancy.
→ For you I would go as far as the end of the world. Do you promise to stay here ?”
→ God created the earth, God created the woods, God created you too, but yes, even God makes mistakes!
→ God created the universe, the earth, nature, the eggs, man and saw that it was good and beautiful. God also created woman and thought : ‘I hope she will make herself up’!
→ HALLO, this is your mobile. There is no particular problem. I just wanted to leave your pocket, want the smell is unbearable!!!
→ Hello I am a virus and I am entering your brain right now….. sorry I will leave, I can’t find a brain.
→ Hello, this is GOD. I make few bad creations but you are the worst monster I ever realised. My apologies on behalf of the whole world..
→ How would you like your egg for breakfast…. hard-boiled or impregnated?
→ I am a killer,I kill people for money…..But because you are my friend,I’ll kill you for nothing!
→ I am not stupid, I am blond!!! B – L – O – N – T
→ I am not your type … I am not inflatable.
→ I know why I am single, my parents-in-law were not able to have kids…
→ I like to compare you with a nice cold glass of beer, beautiful colour, perfect taste, really perfect and when the glass is empty i just take the next one!
→ I once sniffed Coke, but the icecubes blocked my nostrils…
→ If being ugly would hurt, you would be in pain all day long.
→ If you have picture where you look old, keep them. In twenty years you can prove that you have not changed a bit.
→ If you really ressemble the picture on your ID, you are not fit enough to travel.
→ Ik would like to be a volcano… smoke all day and people say … look he is working!
→ In case of fire read this message……………………………….I SAID IN CASE OF FIRE YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!
→ It is charming, incredibly handsome, extremely good, well shaped, horny,an animal in bed and it knows one French word … MOI!!
→ Love me or leave me. Hey,where is everybody going ???
→ Mobile sex: push 1 for oral, 2 for anal, 3 for normal, 4 for a trio, 5 for SM and for everything … dial my number!
→ My feelings for you are like the sea. ” Wild and romantic ? ” “No, they make me sick.”
→ My mother in law walks five miles every day, I wonder where she is at this moment…
→ Nice perfume… but do you really need to marinate in it?
→ One out of four people is a chinese. If your father, your mother and your brother are not Chinese, it must be you.
→ Opticians bend your the rims/frames of your glasses for they are too polite to say that your ears are in the wrong place.
→ Read in a hospital… The psychiatrist may nog be disturbed
→ roses are red, violets are blue, frankenstein is ugly but what the hell happened to you????
→ roses are red, violets are blue, most poems ryhm, but this one doesn’t…
→ Scientists in the US proved that people who do not perform well in bed and who have difficulties to come hold their mobile in their right hand ………………
→ Smoking is allowed in this area, blowing not!
→ The more I learn the more I get to know, the more I know the more I forget, the more I forget the less I know, so why should I be learning??
→ The one who digs a hole for someone else, is sweating blood !
→ They dropped your name, can you pick it up ?
→ This cat, is cat, a cat, good cat, way cat, to cat, keep cat, a cat, idiot cat, busy cat, for cat, 20 cat, seconds cat! Now read it all without the word cat!
→ This is the telephone terrorist team. While receiving this message a virus will be activated. This virus should have infected your mobile by now. Your mobile will be disabled, unless you are ugly.
→ This is your boss: “You are allowed to read the newspaper during the working hours and do certainly not miss the job adds.”
→ This sms can only be read by someone SEXY:…try again…again…maybe you are just not sexy?…one more time…hey don’t force it ugly!!!
→ Those beautiful eyes, that incredible body, such a brain, a sexy mouth, nice smile …. but that is enough about me, tell me how you are?
→ We cannot grant you a life insurance policy because you are already 102 years old. “I do not understand. It is proven statistically that at that age only few people die.”
→ We will now upgrade your brain…….Please wait……..Searching…….Searching…….Still searching……..Sorry, no brain found !!!
→ What he want, I do not want … What I want, he does not want … What we want, is not allowed!
→ When I was a dog, and you were a flower, I walked over you and gave you a shower!!
→ You are an unwanted child. Your parents paid the medical expenses for your birth with their accident insurance.
→ You are never too blond to learn !!!
→ You got STYLE… You got SEX-APPEAL… You got the BRAINS… and you sure as hell got the BODY….WAIT!!!!!…SORRY….wrong number
→ You have the ones that think and you have the ones that do things. The worst kind are those who think that they are doing things.
→ You should know what it takes to look this cheap!
→ You used to be so ugly that your mother had to tie a steak around your neck, otherwise even the dog would not play with you
→ You will have to cut back on your sex live. What part will you leave out, talking about it or thinking about it?
→ You with your beautiful eyes, you with your nice hair, you with your fantastic body … o, sorry, wrong number
→ You’d better not be a dayfly and not having your day.
→ Your provider adjusted his rates. The rate is determined by the length of your genitalia, the shorter they are, the less you pay. You can telephone for free from now on!
→ It’s important to find a man who has money, a man who adores you,a man who is great in the sack. It’s also imprtant that these 3 men should never meet!

→ A man can kiss his wife goodbye. A flower can kiss a butterfly.Wine can kiss a frosted glass.But u my friend can kiss my ass!

→ i tried to call you from a payphone last night. i put my doner card in by mistake, it cost me an arm and a leg!

→ Hey can u do me a favour, take a pic of urself n send me it, i’m playin cards n i’m missin the joker!!

→ Hey friend remember dat without stupidity there can be no wisdom & without ugliness there can be no beauty… so the world needs YOU after all!

→ Jesus says to John come forth ill give you eternal life. John came fifth he won a toaster

→ A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home

→ At dis moment in time 10 million people r having sex.5 million people r drinking coffee.100 million people r sleeping & 1 stupid fool is reading my text!pass on

→ The rain makes all things beautiful.The grass & flowers 2. If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn’t it rain on you?

→ i want u 2 know dat our friendship means alot 2 me.U cry i cry.U lauf i lauf.U jump out of da window… I look down & den… i lauf again


→ As much use as a one legged man at an arse kicking competition

→ She’s angrier than a Bear with a sore head

→ She’s dressed up like a Dogs dinner

→ About as useful as a Condom vending machine in the Vatican.

→ He’s that useless he couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery

→ She’s been up and down more times than a whore’s drawers

→ She’s been engaged more times than a telephone switchboard!

→ He’s tighter than a photo finish.

→ He’s sweating more than a Dog in a restaraunt

→ He’s got a head balder than a baby’s arse.

→ He’s got the dress sense of an Oxfam model.

→ He’s got a nose like a blind carpenter’s thumb.

→ Last time I saw a face like that it was hanging at the Hunter’s Lodge.

→ As much use as a trap door on a lifeboat

→ It’s colder than a penguin’s bollocks

→ She’s got a face like a picture – it needs hanging

→ You’ve got about as much chance as finding a vegetarian pit bull terrier

→ She’s had more pricks than a second hand dartboard

→ As rare as a Blonde virgin

→ I’ve seen more hair on a billiard ball

→ He’s as camp as a row of tents

→ I’ve seen better teeth on a worn out gear box

→ They call her ‘The radio station’ cuz she’s so easy to pick up

→ As useful as a grave robber in a crematorium

→ You could park a bike on that bum

→ He’s as red as an overdrawn account at the local blood bank

→ He’s got a face as long as an undertakers tapemeasure

→ Whiter than a pair of Snow White’s knickers

→ About as innocent as a Nun doing pressups in a Cucumber field.

→ They’ve got a picture of her at the hospital – it saves using the stomach pump


→ Lights on, door open, nobody at home

→ As confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar.

→ He’s as bent as a butchers hook

→ He’s as happy as a Pig in $hit

→ About as welcome as a fart in a telephone box

→ About as subtle as a flying brick

→ She’s got more wrinkles than an Elephants scrotum

→ She’s more nervous than a long-tailed dog in a room full of rocking chairs

→ As tight as a Camels arse in a Sand-storm

→ She’s stroked more wood than a Furniture Polisher.

→ About as interesting as watching paint dry

→ Av seen better looking bodies at a scrapyard

→ I’ve seen better hands on a clock

→ As confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market

→ He’s as baffled as Adam on Mothers Day

→ She’s got half the Black Forest hanging out of her armpits

→ As nervous as a turkey at Christmas

→ She’s seen more ceilings than Michelagelo

→ She ran off quicker than shit off a shovel

→ She’s as fit as a butchers dog

→ She’s got a face squeezed like a squeezed tea bag

→ As useful as a one armed trapeze artist with an itchy arse

→ His nose is snottier than a frog in a blender

→ Uglier than a hatfull of assholes.

→ As rare as a brass monkey’s bollocks

→ As pissed as a fart in a vacuum cleaner

→ This guy is all foam, no beer.

→ As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.

→ About as useless as a jam sandwidch to a drowning rabbit.

→ A legend in his own mind…

→ He’s an expert on padded cells.

→ He couldnae engineer his way outta paper bag!