The Largest Collection of Funny Quotes, Facebook Status, Funny SMS, Whatsapp Status & Tweets

General Quotes Status SMS Jokes

Abracadabra Nope, ur still ugly!

Ths msg cn only B read by a SEXY person: Nothing? Sorry, I guess UR just not SEXY… Hey! Dnt force it ugly, get lost!

2 cows in a field. 1 cow says ‘Hv U hrd about ths mad cow disease?’ T oTr thinks & replies ‘Yep but it doesn’t affect us rabbits.’

T Japanese hv banned all animal movements after discovering droppings in T Bdding in 2kyo. Ty Blieve it could B a case of Fu2n Mouse.

Hw do U occupy an idiot? Press down – Press up!

2 men R fishing. A funeral march goes by. T 1st man places his h@ on his chest. 2nd man says ”Th@’s nice. 1st man says ‘It’s T least I cn do. We wr married for 25 years.’

Y did T farmer win a noBl prize? Bcoz he was out st&ing in his field!

Y did T jelly baby go 2 school? Bcoz it wanted 2 B a smarty.

Wht do U cll a dog with no legs? It doesn’t m@ter wot U cll him, he ain’t gonna cum.

For sale complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 74 volumes. Good condition. £1,000 ONO. No longer needed, got married, T wife knows eVthing!

I went 2 by sum camouflage trousers T oTr day But I cdnt find NE.

Y did T cnnibal rush over 2 T cafeteria? He hrd children wr half price.

Y dnt lobsters shR? Bcoz Ty’re shellfish.

I’m an alien I’ve transformed in2 Ur ph1 & as U’re reading ths I’m having sex with Ur finger. I know U like it Bcoz I cn C U smiling!

T jogger who overslept found himself running… l@e.

A girl ph1d me T oTr day & said ‘Come no over, Tre’s nobody home’. I went over. Nobody was home.

Woman asks a barman ‘Cn I hv a double entendre please?’ so T barman gave her 1.

2 aerials meet on a roof – fell in love & got married. T ceremony was terrible, but T reception was brilliant!

I had a ploughman’s lunch T oTr day. He wasn’t V happy.

Y dnt c@s shv? Coz 80% prefer Whiskers!

Wht do U cll a vicar on a mo2r bike? Rev.

Did U hear about T Dutch man with T infl@able shoes? He popped his clogs!

Chelsea signed 2 players from Icel&. Ranieri said ‘If Ty R no good he wll try Sainsburys.

Hw do U communic@e with a fish? Drop it a line.

Wht do elephants hv for dinner? An hour, just like T rest of T animals.

Hw does Bob Marley like his s&wiches? Wi jammin.

Wht do U cll a triple barrel shotgun? A trifle.

Wht do U cll a h&cuffed man? Trus2rthy.

Wht do Mexicns hv under Tir carpets? Underlay! Underlay!

Wht’s T maximum penalty of bigamy? 2 moTrs-in-law.

Wht do U get if U cross a skunk with a boomerang? A bad smell U cnt get rid of.

Wht’s T fastest cake in T world? Sc1.

Hw do U kp a txtr in suspense? I’ll tel U l8r.

Y R dumb blonde jokes all 1-liners? So men cn underst& Tm.

Wot do U do if a blonde throws a grenade @ U? Take T pin out & throw it back.

Hv U hrd about T magic trac2r? It went down a country road & turned in2 a field.

I want 2 die peacefully in my sleep like my gr&f@her… not screaming in terror like his passengers!

Spell hungry horse in 4 letters. M T G G.

I used 2 like trac2rs… …but now I’m an extrac2r fan.

My wife dresses 2 kill T only problem is th@ she cooks in T same manner.

Wht did 1 magnet say 2 T oTr magnet? I find U V @tractive.

Hw do U kp an idiot amused? W@ch ths message until it goes away!

Tre wr 2 cows in a field – Daisy & MaBl. D: ‘I’ve bn artificially insemin@ed.’
M: ‘I dnt Blieve U!’
D: ‘Straight up, no bull!’

Girls think boys are fit. Boys think girls are sexy. But don’t worry… I’m sure science Will come up With something To help you.

How to impress a woman: compliment her, kiss her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to her, support her How to impress a man: Show up naked, bring beer

There are 4 animal species a woman needs in her life: Jaguar in her garage, mink in her closet, tiger in her bed! And of course adonkey to pay her bills!!

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think

Brain Search: Brain detector activated, calibrating, now searching………still searching……get a good grip of your gsm…. still searching…….no brains found

Why did they call it PMS? Mad cow disease was already taken! → Mary had a little lamb The doctor fainted!!!

When a man talks dirty 2 a women, its sexual harassment when a women talks dirty 2 a man, its £3.95 per minute!

Handsome, Sweet, Intelligent, spontaneous, good-looking, nice friends, charming, funny well…Enough about ME! How about you?

I Want triplets you want twins…. Lets get in bed and see who wins

Hello I am a virus and I am entering your brain right now… Sorry I am leaving now, I can’t find a brain

Yesterday night I lay on my bed looking at the stars, then I wondered… Hey, where on earth IS MY ROOF!

I wanted to send you something that would make you smile… But the postman told me to get out of the mailbox

Drive carefully: 90% of people in this world are caused by accidents…

God made man and then rested, God made women and then no one rested

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? It’s like when dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving

blonde is on 1 side of a lake and yells 2 another blonde across the lake, ‘How do I get 2 the other side?’ The other blonde yells back, ‘U R on the other side!’

How do you keep a blonde busy all day? Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner

What do u call a blonde hiding in a closet? The 1987 world hide and seek champion

What do 7’tall basketball players do in their off season? Go to the movies and sit in front of you

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went it would be hell

Why can’t men get Mad Cow’s Disease? Because they are pigs

How many letters are in the Alphabet? Nineteen. Because ET went Home on a UFO and the FBI went after him!

What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs? Some traffic signs say stop

How do you keep an idiot in suspense…………?? Tell you later……..

Why don’t blondes talk whilst having sex? Because their mums told them not to talk to strangers!

Never let a man’s mind wander, It’s too little to be out on it’s own!!!!

What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake? Tarzipan!

Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas? No you can have turkey like everyone else !

Who is never hungry at Christmas? The turkey – he’s always stuffed !

We had grandma for Christmas dinner? Really, we had turkey!

This turkey tastes like an old settee. Well, you asked for something with plenty of stuffing.

What does Father Christmas write on his Christmas cards? ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ (No-L !!)

Why did the blond woman sneak past the pharmacy? She didn’t want to wake the sleeping tablets!

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains… Because the average man can see better than he can think

What’s the difference between Bigfoot and intelligent men? Big foot has been spotted a few times

What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? Ok you 2, don’t start anything.

Two blondes were driving to Disney Land when they saw a sign that read, “Disney Land left” So they turned round and went home.

Drink until she’s cute But stop before the wedding!

Guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter replies ‘nothing special – we just flat out tell ’em they’re gonna die’.

He said: “I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.” She said: “You wear underpants, don’t you?”

What’s the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need; a man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.