The Largest Collection of Funny Quotes, Facebook Status, Funny SMS, Whatsapp Status & Tweets

Funny Facebook Status

→ I make dirt look good.

→ That awkward moment when you yell `Hello` to your friend and someone else with the same name says it back…

→ When your waiting for one persons text and the whole world decides to text you!

→ DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!” “Dude, we have to do this!”

→ If you think something small can`t make a difference, try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room!

→ the awkward moment when you realize the last stair.. you thought was there.. isn`t.

→ “Are you free tomorrow?“ No, i’m expensive.

→ 3 ways to die early. smoking = 5 years early. alcohol = 10 years early. loving someone who doesn`t love you = you die daily

→ you`d be in great shape if you ran as much as your mouth.

→ I can`t sleep… I feel chuck norris`s presence in the darkness of my room….. O.o

→ that akward moment when you think someone is waving at you in the hall, so you wave back, then they are actually waving at the person behind you, so you pretend you waving at someone else or just walk away feeling like an idiot!

→ When you accidently sit on your remote, and the subtitles come on! so u spend the next hour trying to figure out how to get it off, but when you give up and your just messing around you suddenly find the button to turn it off!

→ I don`t want to impress you, but… I ride without training wheels 😉


→ the awkward moment when you buy something and its not made in China

→ “Dude, she just called you a facebook addict!” “Oh hell no! Quick, change my status to `Bout to show this girl who`s boss!!”

→ The awkward moment when you think your phone made a noise, so you pick it up, but then you realize it wasn`t your phone so you pretend to be looking something up…

→ Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don`t know when.

→ I always feel like I just passed my “Best If Used By” date.

→ Dear yellow traffic light, Challenge accepted. Sincerely, a driver ready to get home.

→ Hey Cupid, can you shoot both of us next time? Thanks.

→ That Awkward Moment When your staring into space and you find yourself staring at someones face.

→ Some say the glass is half empty,some say the glass is half full.. I say “are you going to drink that?”

→ 69% of people who read this think of something sexual. 🙂

→ Making the first point on my TO-DO list “Make TO-DO list”

→ Drunk people trying to convince you they are sober.

→ Yeah, you look alright…from a distance…at night…behind a wall 🙂

→ Tell me what you think, cause I`m no mind reader!!

→ Dont make me use my CAPS LOCK!

→ No I didn’t trip… The floor looked like it needed a hug. 🙂

→ “Dude, she just called you useless!” “Oh hell no.. Hold my Bachelor of Arts Degree!”

→ we all have a friend with a dirty mind 😉

→ I talk to myself because my answers are the only ones I accept 🙂

→ your weirdness is creeping out my imaginary friend

→ Why was 6 afraid of 7? Cause 7, 8, 9! 🙂

→ I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

→ the awkward moment when you forget how to fly…..

→ Feeling your phone vibrate in your pocket , while it`s in the other room .

→ “Please?” “No.” “Please?” “No.” “Please?” “Sure.” “Really?“ “No.“`

→ me + bestfriend = trouble

→ Sign at the Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’re in the right place.”

→ “Dude, she just called you a nerd!” “Oh hell no.. Hold my protractor, calculater, ruler, -ohh good gosh!! Where`s my back up calculator!?!”

→ You’ve obviously mistaken me for someone who cares.

→ last night i brought my snowman in for a heat….by the time i got up in the morning she had pissed on the floor and ran off !! 🙁

→ Guy : “I wear the pants in this relationship”
Girl: “yeah, but i control the zipper!

→ I remember when my bestfriend was the shy and quiet one… I created a monster. 😀

→ “HEY, WHO STOLE MY…nevermind i found it.”

→ It’s going to be weird still checking Facebook when I’m 70.

→ that awkward moment when theres a sex scene in a movie your watching with your parents :`) .

→ I used to love whales… until I got a Twitter.

→ The awkward moment when you go to tell someone something, and then they tell you that someone else has already told them.

→ If duct tape can`t fix it… You`re not using enough. 😛

→ I had a life, then me and the Internet became friends…

→ “Can I ask you a question?” … just did!

→ That akward moment when your granparents sing Lady GaGa .

→ I need an ex-boyfriend so I have something to do on Facebook at 3 in the morning.

→ soon enough karma will hit someone… grab the popcorn and enjoy the show 🙂

→ Unlucky is my middle name.

→ Saying “I`m almost there” when you actually haven`t even left the house.

→ Marriage is about give and take. You better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.

→ That awkward txt that was ment for someone else.

→ “Dude that song is so old” “So is your mom but you still listen to her.”

→ That awkward moment whan you push a pull door

→ The good news is biggest full moon ever in 18 years.
The bad news is superwolves!

→ “Dude, she just called you an alcoholic!” “Oh hell no.. Hold my vodka! But I`m taking the tequila with me..”

→ I never forget a face, but in your case I`ll be glad to make an exception.

→ When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?

→ The awkward moment when someone invites themselves into your plans without asking.

→ Sending texts to your friend next to you things you can`t say out loud.

→ Dinosaurs aren`t extinct! They`re just really good at playing hide and seek.

→ I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, “Hello?” As if the bad guy is gonna be like, “Yeah, I`m in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?”

→ Cinderella`s glass shoe fits perfectly, I wonder why it fell off in the first place?

→ Seeing a spider is nothing. It becomes a problem when it disappears.

→ “FBI, Open the door!“ “Uh… no … it`s cool when you break in.“

→ `Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia` is the fear of long words.

→ How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you`re on 🙂

→ Hitting every button to stop the last message on your phone from being sent.

→ I`m naked… under my clothes. 🙂

→ I had the right to remain silent, but I didn`t have the ability.

→ If you ever get caught sleeping on the job… slowly raise your head and say, “In Jesus name, amen.”

→ Hitting the snooze button several times then complaining because you`re running late.

→ Walking Into Your Room And Saying “Wow I Should Clean This”And Walking Back Out .

→ the awkward moment when you know you shouldn`t laugh, but you do..

→ I`m not a stalker. Look! Here`s a picture of you in the shower… Am I in it? Nooooo!

→ I feel like getting some work done…and so I’m sitting down until the feeling passes.

→ Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

→ Families are like a bar of chocolate, mostly sweet with a few nuts…

→ When nothing goes right just go left…..

→ i-pad, i-phone, i-pod, i-tab………. and finally i-bankrupt 🙂

→ I solve lots of my problem by simply ignoring them

→ “Why do you talk so fast?” “Why do you listen so slow?”

→ When your ex says, ‘you’ll never find anyone like me’. You reply with, ‘that’s the point’ 😉

→ Re-doing a high five until you get it right!!

→ Dear Fox News, So far, no news about foxes. Sincerely, Unimpressed.

→ I am a star, so when you see me ….. make a wish

→ If I promise to miss you, will you get the hell out of here ??

→ I hate immuture people who are older than me….they need to grow up for real!

→ You can see a black object in a white room with no windows but u cant see a white object in a black room with no windows,color is so Racist

→ WTF = Where`s the food ?! (:

→ My name is_____ and I can never find a key chain with my name on it.

→ I`m not single. I`m in a long standing relationship with fun and freedom. 🙂

→ I`m in love with my bed, but my alarm clock wont let us be together.

→ I`m not clumsy. It`s just the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, & the wall just gets in the way.

→ The awkward moment when you realise yelling at a film/tv show won`t help.

→ Two atoms out for a walk, atom one said “I think I`ve lost an electron.” Atom 2 “are you sure?” Atom one “yes, I`m positive.”

→ Life was much simpler when Apple and Blackberry were just fruits.

→ I spent my whole childhood wishing I was older. Now I’m older, it sucks.

→ Teacher- When I was of your age I was not that naughty. . . Student – So mam, at what age you became naughty

→ My mom thinks WTF means “wow thats fantastic” .. Today i texted her: mom i got and A on my English test my Mom said: WTF see you at dinner

→ The awkward moment when your friends are talking about something you don`t know about, and you`re just sitting there.

→ Rules of me: . . . #1 I am always right . . . #2 Just in case I am wrong see rule #1

→ You will never be too old to be embarrassed by your parents

→ When I was little, “I am gonna tell your mom” was the scariest sentence 🙂

→ Money doesn`t bring happiness, but shopping does 🙂

→ When someone texts you “hahahahaha!!” instead of “haha” or “lol”, you know you`ve done well.

→ Fact: I never dial the wrong number, people just answer the wrong phones.

→ HORROR = when you accidentally text the person who you`re talking about

→ Flying isn`t dangerous. Crashing is what`s dangerous.

→ You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.

→ Unless your name is GOOGLE, Don`t act as if you know everything.

is a comment !!

→ That awkward moment when you accidentally pop a balloon your holding and it scares the living crap out of you!

→ Never Say Neverrr ! you just said it twice ?

→ Everyone is capable of brightening a room; some by entering, some by leaving

→ When a girl says “NO” A guy hears it as “try again tomorrow”

→ I used to love this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone, later I found out that she was keeping me on hold

→ Angry Birds suicide hotline, which level are you stuck on?

→ What is Talent and Intelligence?? Walking on a roap over Niagra fall is Talent. Try not to do such thing is Intelligence 🙂

→ There`s a fine line between wearing makeup or just looking like you got gang banged by Crayola.

→ Whoever uses pharse “Easy as taking candy from a baby” has obviously never tried taking candy from a baby

→ That akward moment, when you spill something at someones house…:P

→ That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.. 🙂

→ If you recieve something that says,”Send it to all your friends” , then please don`t consider me as your friend.

→ My back is not a voice mail. If you got something to say, say it to my face.

→ Things to do at Wal-Mart: hide in a rack of clothes and when somebody looks through them to yell “WELCOME TO NARNIA”

→ Sorry about those texts I sent you last night, my phone was Drunk

→ Dear Sun, we know you are Hot, please stop showing.

→ We have so much in common, you want to travel, I want you to go

→ I don`t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font 🙂

→ Father: A banker provided by nature.

→ Teacher:There is a frog,Ship is sinking,potatoes cost Rs 3/kg . Then,what is my age?
STUDENT:32 yrs.
Teacher:How do you know?
STUDENT:Well,my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad

→ Teacher: “I killed a person” convert this sentence into future tense.
Student: The future tense is “You will go to jail”.

→ Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can”t understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.

→ If history repeats itself, I`m totally getting a dinosaur.

→ Girl: “I`m breaking up with u.” Boy: “Ok, can I get a last hug?” *Girl hugs boy* Girl: “Wait, are u covered in glue?” Boy: “Heh..” 😉

→ I posted on your wall. No, not Facebook, look at the side of your house..:-)

→ Most of the time best friends have conversations impossible to understand by other people! 😉

→ Would you like a bag? No, I thought I would carry these 14 items on my head….

→ There should be realtionship status that says,”I don`t even know what`s going on”

→ You can`t face the problem if the problem is your face.

→ The awkward moment when you`re at your friends house and your friend is getting yelled at so you just stand their and pet the dog.

→ Two blondes were driving to Disneyland and the exit sign reads: DISNEYLAND LEFT. They started crying and headed home. 🙂

→ Don`t you know it`s rude to talk while I`m interrupting?

→ “Hi, may I help you?” “No I just waited 15 mins in the line to say hi.”

→ EMPLOYEE: If you don`t increase my salary…I will tell the whole office that you have increased my salary…

→ My friends don`t care if my room is messy. They only care if I have food.

→ Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

→ Dictionary is the only place where divorce comes before marriage.

→ Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

→ that moment when you`re trying to do hula hoop but you end up shaking your hips like Shakira wannabe.

→ “tell me when you need anything” “are you gonna come to me?” “nope, I`m gonna pretend to sleep :)”

→ That awkward moment when half way through telling a story you realise its pointless.

→ We all have that one friend that is stick thin… but eats like an elephant.

→ Parents, Biggest Liars EVER!!!! Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Boogie Man, …. My Pony All Lies!!!

→ Do you know why a previous relationship is called EX? It`s not the term for the past. EX is short for EXpired 🙂

→ Life is hard normally, but its harder if you are Stupid.

→ Hey, I found your Nose, it was in my business again

→ That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and you end up walking in the same direction.

→ In every shop, there`s always that one employee who stares at you like you`re about to steal something.

→ When a package says “Easy Open” I end up using scissors, a knife, a gun and a lightsaber..

→ Today, I saw a baby with a shirt that said, “I`m what happened in Vegas.” 😉

→ I just realized that the word “short” is longer than the word “long”.

→ A bus is a vehicle that runs twice faster when you are after it and too slow when you are in it!! :p

→ “There is no “emoticon” to express what I am feeling right now.” – The Simpsons (1989)

→ When a woman says no, she means no. But when a man says yes it means he probably didn`t understand the question.

→ I`m not a bad driver, I just don`t like lights telling me what I can or cannot do.

→ When karma comes back to punch you in the face, i want to be there.. just in case it needs help.

→ You have one advantage over me, you can kiss my ass and I can`t.

→ The awkward moment when your just chilling in your room and doby appears and tells you not to go to hogwarts

→ History always tells a story.. That`s why you must always clear it before your dad uses the computer…!!!

→ I`m not bossy, my ideas are just better

→ Twitter: the only place where you get excited when stranger follow you!

→ If you want to read about Love and Marriage then you have to buy to separate books

→ That “Dammit” moment when you forget to take your phone to the toilet so you just sit there like “Now what do I do…?”

→ Our generation doesn’t knock on doors. We will call or text to let you know we’re outside.

→ That awkward moment when your parents use the word LEGIT, SWAG and EPIC 😀

→ The awkward moment When you`re in an argument and you realize you`re wrong.

→ If you`re gonna be two faced, at least make one of them pretty.

→ The awkward moment when you can`t read your own handwriting… and you`re like “WTF did I just write?!….

→ Yesterday I put a status that i am going 2 sleep Shirtless 2night & after sum time I got notifications that, 7 Mosquitos like this.

→ good job, you`re the biggest bitch i know. wanna cookie?

→ Yes phone, I realize I have a low battery. Thanks for alerting me 50 million times.

→ You was born to be a pessimist. Your blood type is B Negative

→ When life gives Lady Gaga lemons, she makes a dress out of them.

→ Don`t u hate it when you`re texting lying down & all of a sudden ur phone decides to be NINJA & slip through your hands & attack your face?

→ If your relationship status on Facebook says, “complicated“. Stop kiddin yourself & make it to “single”

→ I`m so amazing that I can fall up the stairs and pull a door that says push.

→ Teacher: “Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?”
Johnny : “Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the sameday sametime.”

→ Some people say that age is just a number.In China, `Too Young` is just a name.

→ “Who`s that?” “What are they doing?” “What`s happening?” ; “Shut the hell up and watch the movie”.

→ Dear shampoo commercials, why doesn`t it make my hair shiny? Sincerely, it doesn`t work.

→ With great power comes a great electric bill

→ High heels are a man`s invention to make it harder for a woman to run away.

→ `What` and `if` are such a harmless words, but if u put it next to each other `what if` those words will haunt you forever.

→ Dear Human, You get mad when I wake you up, & you also get mad when I don`t wake you. Sincerely, Confused Alarm Clock

→ You never know what you have until….. you clean your room.

→ that awkward moment when push really hard on a door, and then look at the handle and it says pull

→ That awkward moment when you accidentally use a 😉 instead of a 🙂 and it makes the whole conversation sexual.

→ Student: “Can I go to the bathroom?” Teacher: “No!” Student: “I`M ON MY PERIOD!!!!!!” Teacher: “…but your a boy…”

→ *FIRE ALARM* Teacher: “Okay children, stay in your seats just for a minute.” Student: “Just gonna stand there and watch me burn..”

→ A dog thinks: These people feed me, pet me, love me, they must be God. A cat thinks: These people feed me, pet me, love me, I must be a God.

→ _____________/\__________\o/__________ swim little man, swim faster.

→ “You ask.” “No, you ask!” “Will you please ask?” “Why can`t you ask?” “Fine… Hey my FRIEND wants to ask you something!”

→ That awkward moment when you`re with someone you JUST met. “ like..uh, stuff?”

→ That awkward moment when you get home from school and look at yourself in the mirror thinking `did I really look like this all day?`

→ My Nan Always used to say stop biting your nails so i bite my sisters instead

→ “All you do is sit on that computer” Lies. I sit on the chair

→ By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you deleted and blocked. You may now kiss my ass.