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→ Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

→ If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

→ A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

→ Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

→ There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it’s hot.

→ Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?

→ A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised.

→ The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

→ The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

→ There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

→ The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don’t have.

→ A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

→ Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.

→ Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.

→ It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.

→ If I’d shot you sooner, I’d be out of jail by now.

→ Without ME, it’s just AWESO.

→ Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.

→ The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

→ Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege!

→ It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.

→ Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

→ Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

→ Birthdays are good for you – the more you have the longer you live.

→ A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.

→ I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

→ If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.

→ If at first you don’t succeed, you’ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn’t succeed either.

→ When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

→ The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.

→ Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers.

→ Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.

→ Strangers have the best candy.

→ For every idiot proof system devised, a new, improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

→ Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

→ You know you’re awesome when you know you’re awesome.

→ The only reason nice guys finish last is because they’re holding the door for everyone else.

→ Full of peace and calm this morning. Googled my symptoms and found out I died in my sleep.

→ The world would be a quiet place if we did that whole “think before you speak” thing.

→ Advice of the day ; Don’t be a douche.

→ Life is like a box of chocolates…I don’t think so! Mine is more like a box of hand grenades…pull the wrong pin and everything goes flying!

→ To the world you may be just one person, but to one person…you may be holding up this entire lane of traffic.

→ People better watch their p’s & q’s before I start handing out f’s and u’s!

→ Happiness is a cop car turning his lights on behind you and immediately going past you.

→ Destiny may decide who touches your Life ~ Your heart may decide who touches your Soul ~ But…Tequila decides who touches your body

→ Everything’s funnier when you’re supposed to be quiet.

→ I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

→ If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

→ One of the worst things is assuming you have some gum when you really don’t.

→ I’m doing what I’ve always done. Learning from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

→ When I was your age my whole family shared one phone, and it was attached to the kitchen wall by a cord

→ Keep the dream alive; hit the snooze button!

→ Don’t try catching snowflakes on your tongue unless you are SURE all the birds have gone south for the winter.

→ Everything’s funnier when you’re supposed to be quiet.

→ Every time I pull a flash drive out of a computer I feel like a spy.

→ If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.

→ I need my decision making privileges taken away.

→ You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don’t go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.

→ If you can’t do the right thing, at least do the thing right.

→ Beautiful people are more beautiful when surrounded by ugly people

→ Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.

→ Apparently “some assembly required” is IKEA for “here’s a pine tree, pocket knife and some nails.”

→ The worst things in life are also free.

→ When I say, “Hold that thought,” it’s just a polite way of saying I’m not interested

→ I like to think of myself as “Emotionally Exciting” as opposed to bipolar

→ Turns out people can still hear you even if you’re wearing sunglasses.

→ Talking louder does not make you any less wrong.

→ Roses are red, violets are blue. If he said he’s busy tonight, the side chick is you.

→ Sure, you can sit next me. The other 123 empty chairs in this movie theatre probably suck anyways.

→ When I die, I want a disease named after me, with symptoms that include “being awesome at everything.”

→ I wish girls came with a carfax.

→ It’s so cold out I can see my farts

→ It’s nice to occasionally see a guy talking to a pole to reassure me there are still people out there crazier than I am.

→ No one is listening until you make a mistake

→ When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.

→ Dont smoke…there are cooler ways to die.

→ The truth hurts. Lies hurt. Why does everything hurt?

→ Silence is golden…Duct tape is silver…

→ it would suck to come in 2nd place in a game of Russian Rulet.

→ “I’m a ninja!” “Dude no you’re not!” “Did you see me do that?” “Do what?” “Exactly.”

→ My ex and I were happy for a long time, but then we met each other.

→ My heart is in a relationship, but I am single – It’s complicated.

→ There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2.

→ Isn’t it ironic that to be popular on social networks, you have to sacrifice your social life.

→ Crazy? I was crazy once. My parents locked me in a round room and told me to sit in the corner. Corner? I couldn’t find a corner! That bugged me. Bugs? I hate bugs. They drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once…

→ Rejection doesn’t hurt, expectation does. Lie doesn’t kill, denial does. “Forget” doesn’t heal, “forgive” does

→ My friends are the type of friends that if my house was on fire, they would be over here with marshmallows and hitting on the hot fireman!

→ When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.

→ What’s another word for thesaurus?

→ Less friends, more benefits.

→ Pooping: How can something that smells so bad feel so good?

→ Apparently, rush hour starts the second I put my key in the ignition, no matter what time I leave.

T→ here’s gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to “Baby Got Back.”

→ I’ve had a rough day, I could really use one of those long boogers you pull slowly out of your nose.

→ Procrastination has a good side, you always have something to do tomorrow, plus you have nothing to do today.

→ Living alone means never having to close the bathroom door.

→ When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.

→ One thing I miss about childhood is being able to throw a snowball at someone’s head without the authorities getting involved.

→ I love smiling at random people. Some of them smile back. Some of them get really creeped out, but that makes it worth it.

→ Shot glasses are stronger than beer goggles.

→ Nothing else greater than making someone Smile 🙂

→ If these walls could talk…….I’d get the hell out of here!

→ I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.

→ You can’t take it with you. So why not give it to me?

→ I love it when the person’s laugh is funnier than the actual joke

→ Nobody is perfect, I am Nobody

→ Everyone has that one friend you just can’t bring anywhere cause they always embarrass you. If you can’t think of who that friend is, it’s you.

→ Today was a complete waste of a cute outfit.

→ Life is less like a box of chocolate and more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

→ I’m old enough to know what’s bad for me and young enough to do it.

→ they say forgive and forget. but never forget why you had to forgive.

→ When someone says they know a person just like me and I have to meet them I know that when I meet them I’ll be insulted.