The Largest Collection of Funny Quotes, Facebook Status, Funny SMS, Whatsapp Status & Tweets

One Liners Quotes Status SMS

→ Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly…well enough about ME! How are you? 

→ Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!  

→ How do u occupy an idiot? Press down – Press up…Press Down…! 

→ ***NEWSFLASH*** Tell ALL your female friends that i can get 100 tampons for £1
… No Strings attached
…but for a limited period ONLY!
…A bloody good deal! 

→ Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry
370HSSV 0773H 

→ FRIEND SEARCH: Friend detector activated…calibration complete, now searching…..still searching….still searching……sorry, no friends found.

→ Hw do U kp a txtr in suspense? I’ll tel U l8r. 

→ Press down..More…Ok more…WOW yes ahh ohh yes….almost there….oh god harder..faster..FEELS GOOD…oh goddd!…That’s how I sex on text! 

→ Ths msg cn only b read by a SEXY person –
Nothing? Soz, I guess UR just not SEXY But hey, i Didnt force it ugly, so get lost! 

→ I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me til my face went Orange, til I busted my Siemen all over her Nokias! 

→ Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected! 

→ HELP: Cops are after a suspect who smart, witty, sexy and good lookin…so where you gonna hide ME?

→ This is your CellPhone Operator. We just found out you’re too dumb to use your phone, so please put it on ground and start jumping on it. Thank you 

→ Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?

A: There is a stamp on it. 

→ A husband was asked: Do u talk to wife after sex?
His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone 

→ Why’d they call it PMS? Cos Mad cow disease was already taken! 

→ I went to ur house justnow – can’t enter cos door says *CUTE FOLK NOT ALLOWED* – pls take sign down next time ok! 

→ Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. 

→ Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 

→ Always remember you’re unique – just like everyone else. 

→ I heard you took an IQ test and they said you’re results were negative. 

→ How many letters in the Alphabet? 19, cuz ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him. 

→ Don’t feel sad…don’t feel blue…Frankenstein was ugly too… 

→ U got Sex Appeal…U got Class…U got Moves…U got da Face, da Body….shit…I got wrong number…SORRY 🙂 

→ I need a kiss, I need touched, I need your love, I need warmth, I need hugs, I need sex, I need YOU! 

→ On the cellphone pad of life, always keep one finger on the disconnect key. 

→ The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children. 

→ Nope…..u still ugly! 

→ Y did the jelly baby go 2 school? Cuz he wanted to be a smarty. 

→ What u call dog with no legs? Don’t matter wot u call him, he ain’t gonna come. 

→ Bride’s Dad hands a note to the groom: ‘GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT RETURNABLE.’ Groom gave another note back to father: ‘CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.’ 

→ Girls think boys are fit. Boys think girls are sexy. But hey, no worries – I sure science will come up with somin to help u. 

→ I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back…! Nice Ass. 

→ How to impress woman: kiss her, hug her, compliment her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to her, support her
How to impress a man: Show up naked with beer. 

→ How do u keep an idiot amused? Watch this message until it goes away! 

→ It’s better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it. 

→ Whats the best thing about babies? MAKING EM!  

→ I get enough exercise just pushing my luck! 

→ You are here: X 

→ Hickory Dickory Dock, dis bitch woz suckin me c**k, da clock struck 2, i dumped me goo, & dropped her at da end of da block. 

→ In Ikea they have a Shelf storage system called Nob – So that’s the only shop you can go into and ask the assistant to wheel your Nob to the car cuz it’s too heavy. 

→ Crime doesn’t pay…Does that mean my job is a crime?  

→ Jesus loves you…everyone else thinks you’re an asshole! 

→ Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind. 

→ Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?

A: Because she threw out all the bent ones. 

→ What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? Ok u 2, don’t start anything. 

→ Am I getting smart with you? ….How would you know? 

→ Bud, what happen??? tried callin many time, everytime i get operator sayin ‘Sorry, The Subscriber U R Calling is having Sex, Please try again later.’ 

→ Bloke calls work : “Boss, cannae come in tae work. I’m sick”
Boss asks: “How sick are u?”
Bloke: “I’m F****ing my Sis, how sick is that???” 

→ Love is a name, Sex is a game. Forget the name and lets play that game!  

→ Roses are red, Pickles are green, I like ur legs and all that’s between! 

→ I like your style, you got sheer class, but babe, my god, I WANT YOUR ASS! 

→ Hey, there is Hot-sex, Group-sex, safe-sex, phone-sex, speedy-sex, crazy-sex and for people wid ur face – NO SEX! 

→ When an apple is green, it’s ready to pluck, When a girl is sixteen she’s ready to ..WOOPS…wrong number…. 

→ U good at math? Well, add a bed, subtract ur cloths, divide ur legs and we can multiply! 

→ Yes, this is my pickup. No, I will not help you move. 

→ Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.

→ Important Message: Conserve your toilet paper – use both sides. 

→ I’ve got the ship, you’ve got the harbor … what say we tie up for the night?

→ If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.  

→ I might be in the basement. I’ll go upstairs and check. 

→ The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.  

→ There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives. 

→ Just because you’re smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.  

→ You may be recognized soon. Hide. 

→ Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won’t spoil me.  

→ He who laughs last thinks slowest. 

→ Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.  

→ I pretend to work here – they pretend to pay me.  

→ Is somebody not editing what I’m saying here???  

→ Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.  

→ If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.  

→ You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.  

→ My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch 

→ If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me 

→ Mind intentionally left blank…  

→ I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem 

→ Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. 

→ Nostalgia ain’t what it used to be.  

→ If I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.  

→ Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time – I think I’ve forgotten this before. 

→ If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?  

→ The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open.  

→ It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With ahunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. 17 times. 

→ Born Free……..Taxed to Death. 

→ We will now upgrade your brain, please wait…searching…searching…still searching…sorry NO BRAIN found 

→ I remind u that the most powerful force in the universe is sms gossip. 

→ Just reminding u there is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness. 

→ My girlfriend always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading. 

→ Hi – I am a virus and am entering your brain right now…wait, hold on, sorry unable to find brain…leaving now… 

→ Note – The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key. 

→ What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? ‘Hold my purse.’ 

→ Remember: Don’t Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

 → Celibacy is not hereditary

→ Familiarity breeds children

→ Life is sexually transmitted

→ We do precision guesswork

→ Born free . . . Taxed to death

→ If it’s too loud, you’re too old

→ Common sense isn’t common

→ Nothing succeeds like excess

→ Do pilots take crash-courses?

→ If it ain’t broke, fix it until it is

→ The older I get, the older old is

→ Relax, its only Ones and Zeros

→ A closed mouth gathers no feet

→ Do witches run spell checkers?

→ I don’t get even . . . . . I get odder

→ Allow me to introduce my selves

→ A feature is a bug with seniority

→ If I throw a stick, will you leave?

→ Justice: A decision in your favor

→ Strip mining prevents forest fires

→ A waist is a terrible thing to mind

→ Do not disturb. Already disturbed

→ Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

→ Today’s subliminal message is . . .

→ Demons are a Ghouls best Friend

→ Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 

→ Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death. 

→ Conserve toilet paper, use both sides. 

→ I get enough exercise just pushing my luck! 

→ Sorry, I don’t date outside my species. 

→ Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW! 

→ First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering. 

→ Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else. 

→ Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick. 

→ Bad sex is better then a good day in school. 

→ Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!

→ Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

→ Fuck Me…are those real?

→ Be unique and different, just say yes.

→ Can I flirt with you?

→ Damn girl, you have more curves than a race track.

→ Do you know karate? Cos damn it honey, your body is really kickin.

→ Excuse me. I’m from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I’m going to have to ask you to assume the position.

→ Umh, that’s a nice set of legs, what time do they open?

→ Darling, I’m new in this town – dya think I could have directions to your house.

→ I hope you know CPR, cos you take my breath away!

→ I’ve got the ship, you’ve got the harbour … what say we tie up for the night?

→ I’ve just moved you to the top of my ‘to do’ list.

→ If you don’t wanna have kids with me, then why don’t we just practice?

→ Screw me if I am wrong, but haven’t we met before?

→ That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed.

→ Were you arrested earlier? It’s gotta be illegal to look that good.

→ A hangover is the wrath of grapes

→ Everyone is entitled to my opinion

→ If it ain’t chocolate, it ain’t dessert

→ I don’t work here. I’m a consultant

→ Out of Body. Back in Five Minutes

→ The best things in life aren’t things

→ I like feminists; I think they’re cute

→ I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable

→ Does killing time damage eternity?

→ How can there be self-help groups?

→ “Criminal Lawyer” is a redundancy

→ BIGAMIST — A heavy fog in Italy

→ Have a nice day. . . somewhere else

→ Guilt — the gift that keeps on giving

→ Exceptions always outnumber rules

→ Adults are just kids who owe money

→ All stressed out and no one to choke

→ Constipated people don’t give a crap

→ I may not be perfect, but I’m all I got

→ Where there’s a will, I want to be in it

→ Anything not nailed down is a cat toy

→ Never miss a good chance to shut up

→ All computers wait at the same speed

→ Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

→ How do you get off a non-stop flight?

→ How come night falls but day breaks?

→ How do I set the laser printer to stun?

→ If we quit voting will they all go away?

→ Is it time for your medication or mine?

→ INSTANT HUMAN (Just Add Coffee)

→ I’m not getting older…I’m getting bitter

→ When all else fails manipulate the data

→ I’m as confused as a termite in a yo-yo

→ Insanity is my only means of relaxation

→ No guts, no glory, no brain, same story

→ Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s hand grenades I throw

→ I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert

→ I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier

→ When money talks, the criminal walks