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→ Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

→ I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

→ A politician will stand for what he thinks people will fall for.

→ Personally, I don’t believe the world owes me a living, although for the amount I make, an apology would be nice.

→ Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

→ IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

→ A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.

→ Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

→ It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.

→ To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

→ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.

→ A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

→ Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

→ Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

→ On Columbus Day, we celebrate the discovery of places that have already been happily occupied for years.

→ I hope someone gets a pic of Lil Wayne on his way out high-fiving T.I. on his way in.

→ Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

→ I wonder what Lady Gaga will be for Halloween

→ The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.

→ It’s getting to point where I may just vote for the politician who calls my house the least.

→ If you’re one of those people who think the world is going to end in 2012, please send me all your stuff

→ In an elevator I like to pull out a picture of myself and ask people “have you seen this person?”

→ Okay, so you Republicans taking office, we all expect a complete economic turnaround in less than two years. Got it?

→ I still think Perez Hilton getting tasered would be the most watched YouTube video of all time.

→ Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

→ I ask Google all the questions I’m too embarrassed to ask other people.

→ While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

→ NETFLIX: ”New Arrivals” 6 years ago =|

→ Dad’s do not request your teenager to be friends. You will be denied, even though she has accepted over 850 random unknown requests from complete strangers.

→ I will no longer logon to my wives FB account and Like all the posts on my own profile. Apparently this is a no-no.

→ will try to suppress the urge to make a smart@ss comment on every post, picture or link from family members.

→ NASCAR Headlines: Jeff Gordon says he’s sick of being called a ‘pole sitter’. Asks NASCAR authorities to change it to ‘pole holder’.

→ research says laughter can lengthen your life and smoking shortens it. So, I always chuckle between puffs.

→ Did you hear they took away Lindsey Vonns gold medal? .. They gave it to Obama! Hes going downhill faster than anyone.

→ Breaking News: It’s really cold outside.

→ Dear two-faced person, I can’t to decide which face of yours to slap first.

→ We should throw a politician in jail every day for the next 10 years. Even if we don’t know why, they do.

→ The part of “no” that I don’t understand is the part where I don’t get what I want.

→ I just did the “out of toilet paper walk of shame”