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Health Facebook Status

→ If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

→ I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

→ My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

→ I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

→ Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

→ The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.

→ Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

→ The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.

→ Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.

→ Hey, I may have Alzheimer’s, but at least I don’t have Alzheimer’s!

→ I don’t do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

→ I may be fat, but you’re ugly – I can lose weight!

→ I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.

→ A toast to alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

→ There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.

→ They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who’s in a hurry ?

→ Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.

→ I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.

→ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

→ Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.

→ I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

→ I just coughed and sneezed at the same time, I think I traveled 3 seconds into the future

→ Ya know when ya go on vacation and you just can’t wait to get home to take a nice, healthy dump?

→ The heart is the center of the body but beats on the left. Maybe that’s the reason the heart is not always right.

→ I bet Waldo’s parents are worried sick.

→ It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.

→ I wonder if butterflies get humans in their stomach when they’re anxious?

→ When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they’re being annoying little bastards.

→ Cigarettes are like hamsters. They’re completely harmless until you put them in your mouth and set them on fire.

→ My brain is giving me the silent treatment

→ “You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.”

→ When my gums bleed at the dentist she always asks me when was the last time I flossed. I look at her puzzled. It was 6 months ago. She was there.

→ I must be a proctologist… because I work with assholes.

→ I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said “I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”

→ I’m pretty sure the smell from cooking cinnamon rolls is causing my nose to orgasm.

→ Due to tonight’s lack of sleep, tomorrow has been canceled.

→ I want to come back as the .1% of germs and bacteria that nothing can kill…

→ Sorry, you’re just not my blood type.

→ It’s better to be pissed off than pissed on. Well that is unless you’re into that kind of thing.

→ I need to slip into something more comfortable…Like a coma

→ Never mistake asthma for Passion

→ People should have to undergo a psychiatric evaluation once a year if they own a gun.

→ I would be much thinner if I hadn’t gained all this weight.

→ omg i just found out im allergic to exercise…at first i get all flushed, then i break out in a sweat, my heart starts pounding really fast, then i cant breath……..i wont be doing that again!

→ Sending Lindsay Lohan to the Betty Ford clinic to sober up is like sending Kirstie Alley to the Betty Crocker factory to lose weight.

→ Dear 3rd stall over, flushing the toilet does not disguise explosive diarrhea. Thought you should know.

→ I don’t know if my liver or heart hurts more during a break up…

→ The really scary part of middle age is you know you’re going to grow out of it.

→ You’re only young once. If you act like a fool after that, you’re gonna need a new excuse.

→ People on TV always give such accurate descriptions of criminals to sketch artists. I look at myself every chance I get and I don’t think I could get my own face right.

→ Think I might run a marathon just to prove to myself that I can do something pointless and awful.

→ Whenever an application or form asks the name of my primary physician the answer is always “Dr. Feelgood’.

→ They say “You are what you eat” so I guess we should eat skinny people.

→ Life is like a mirror, we get the best results when we smile at it.

→ Ironically, it’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.

→ I really need a diet plan that will take my breadth away.

→ I don’t bite the hand that feeds me. I lightly suck the thumb.

→ I always feel like I just passed my “Best If Used By” date.

→ An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over. Yep, she needs a walker

→ if you put earphones up your nose, the sound comes out your mouth