The Largest Collection of Funny Quotes, Facebook Status, Funny SMS, Whatsapp Status & Tweets

Facebook Status Messages

→ I speak two languages, Body and English.

→ If the world were full of midgets, life would be very short. 🙂

→ I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply! (^^,)

→ “I LOVE getting up this early!” – Nobody

→ In America, we will eventually have a President that used to play Pokemon as a child. Scary.

→ I woke up this morning and my car was cut in half. well played chuck norris well played >:D

→ Wonders if Barbie is so popular why you have to buy her friends?

→ everybody sounds asian when they sneeze .

→ If life throws you lemons, make lemonade. Then use the profits to buy an assault rifle. See if life makes the same mistake twice.

→ One spelling mistake can destroy your life.A Husband sent this to his wife:I`m having a wonderful time wish you were her.”

→ There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.

→ They sell Universal remotes at Wal*Mart… can you believe that power like that is available to just anyone! Crazy.

→ Never fight with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

→ Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

→ Without me it`s just AWESO

→ I asked if she liked my handsome face or my sexy body. After looking me up and down, she said my sense of humor.

→ Most stress is caused by three things; family, money and family with no money.

→ I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: “CHECKOUT TIME IS 18″

→ When asked “What would you bring with you to a deserted island”, how come no one ever replies, “A boat.”?

→ My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.

→ Mom:”You got a package!” “Thanks, Mom!”…… *pop pop pop pop pop pop pop* Mom:”What are you doing??” “Popping bubble wrap!”

→ I don`t hate you……. I just don`t like that you exist.

→ `i`m a ninja.` *prove it.* did you see that?` *see what?* `exactly.`

→ 3am phone call: “Hey, are you asleep?” You: “No, I`m skydiving.”

→ I didn’t trip, I was testing the gravity. It still works.

→ When you were younger the best feeling in the world was trying to run up a slide and succeeding.

→ I remember when I was 5 and the biggest diss was, “I know you are but what am I?”

→ *At the gym, boy starts doing sit ups* Boy: 1…2…3… *Hot girl walks by* Boy: 153…154…155… 😉

→ They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a truck hit mine.

→ Boy: When u smile, I want ur lips. When u cry, I want ur tears. When u sleep, I want ur dreams. Girl: I`m on the toilet, u want my shit too?

→ Bruises: 5% try & remember how they got it; 4% dont realize they have it; 90% poke it & see how much it hurt; The other 1% does all 3

→ Dance like no one’s going to put it on YouTube.

→ If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

→ Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.

→ My room is not messy. It`s an obstacle course designed by me to keep me fit ;).

→ girls dictionary: Go away= I need a hug;I already have a bf= I dont, ur so ugly;Im busy= I wanna see how u make an effort

→ trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.

→ I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the wierdest hairdos.

→ Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?

→ Adam to Eve: I`ll wear the plants in this family!

→ Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

→ Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won`t bother you for weeks.

→ Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
A. “Is that you mommy?”

→ Boring Texters: The texters that constantly say `Sup` `Nothing much` `I`m bored` `Oh` `Yeah` `Yep` `Lol` `haha` or anything like that.

→ Stalking Texters: The texters that constantly text you over and over again and you don`t reply but they still end up texting you again.

→ Gossip Texters: The texters that always seem to send `Guess what I heard about. . .` when they`re texting.

→ Slow Texter: The texter that texts back so slow that you have to go back to your Outbox to remember what you sent them.LIKE if you have a friend like that.

→ Strangers think I`m quiet. My friends think I`m out-going. My best friends know that I`m completely insane.

→ if u need a friend (text me) need a laugh (call me) need a hug (stop by) need money (this number is no longer in service)