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Relationship Facebook Status

→ Not looking at my phone during dinner will be the most romantic gesture I will make today.

→ Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

→ Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

→ The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

→ At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

→ When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. Now that we’ve broke up, I think it’s time you kept your promise!

→ There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.

→ A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body.

→ True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.

→ Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn’t change soon, I’m gonna divorce her

→ 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

→ Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

→ By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

→ I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

→ I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.

→ Upon stubbing my toe while at my parents house, I yelled out “Mother Fucker!” at that my dad responded “Present!”… as gross as that was, i had to high five him.

→ Nothing brings two people together like the mutual hatred of another person.

→ I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

→ I think that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

→ I still miss my ex-girlfriend… but my aim is improving

→ Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible.

→ A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

→ Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.

→ A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.

→ Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

→ The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common “enemy”.

→ Nobody’s a virgin…life screws us all.

→ My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!

→ I just got a text from a wrong number that said “I think my ex is stalking my friends”… so I replied back “No I’m not.”

→ Relationships would be great if it wasn’t for all those feelings.

→ When a man opens the car door for his wife it’s either a new car or a new wife..

→ I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans – “Free nights and weekends”

→ Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.

→ A foolish man will tell a woman to shut up. A wise man will tell a woman she is beautiful with her lips closed.

→ Scary things women say to men: 1. Where are you? 2. We need to talk. 3. Let me see your phone!

→ The girl who thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming a little high.

→ Wow you’re really cute from far away. I think a long distance relationship could work.

→ I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

→ Don’t make the same typo I did in a text to my girlfriend: “Having a great time wish you were her.”

→ An “open relationship” is when both people are cheating on each other and want everyone else to know.

→ in reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a shitty lock.”

→ To my Family & Friends. There were probably many times this year when I may have disturbed you, troubled you, pestered you, irritated you, bugged you, or got on your nerves. So today I just wanted to tell you. Suck it up cupcake! There are NO CHANGES planned

→ I think the best thing about turning 100 would have to be getting a $100 from your Grandma.

→ Why is it that guys with girlfriends love me but single guys like my friends?

→ Shut up, you’ll never be the man your mother is

→ The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.

→ A relationship is made by TWO people & it should remain between those TWO people!

→ Dear Tostitos, make your dip jars shorter and wider so your chips can actually fit inside them. Thanks

→ If you are someone who insists on talking on the phone rather than texting, I’m sorry but, we can’t be friends.

→ Dear Ex, I don’t hate you, I’m just disappointed you turned into everything you said you’d never be.

→ Ugh… I just got called “Mam”. That always makes me feel so old, unless it is followed with, “We’re going to have to ask you to leave.”

→ The middle class does not exist. If you believe you are part of the middle class, it just means you’re rich and insecure or poor and misinformed.

→ Great minds think alike but dirty minds work together 😉

→ Friends are forever, until they get in a relationship

→ Im just a typical stay-at-home dad. Except I don’t do housework or have a wife or any kids.

→ When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” Don’t answer him.

→ What is it about paper towels that makes me always want to use more than one?

→ today is receive random texts from your ex-boyfriends day

→ It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.

→ Astronauts and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.

→ When picking a ringtone, ask yourself: “How embarrassed will I be when this rings?

→ Mom please stop commenting on all my statuses, you’re embarrassing me.

→ wants you to know that every time you make a “your mom” joke, I call my mom to check. Most of you are liars!

→ Your wife is more of a “certificate of completion” than a “trophy”

→ On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women

→ I looked at the keyboard earlier and I noticed ‘U’ & ‘I’ are together, it’s meant to be! Then I looked underneath it & it said JK.

→ I’d prefer to have a real enemy over a fake friend.

→ My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

→ Do you ever just look at someone and “why” is the only thing you can come up with?

→ Marriage is like a late night phone call. You get a ring and then you wake up.

→ I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

→ Some women get excited about nothing, and then marry him.

→ Local News. A couple turned themselves into police. Wonder what they were before.

→ Marriage is about give and take. You better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.

→ At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

→ I’ve forgotten how to “hang out” with people if alcohol isn’t involved.

→ Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.

→ Wives & girlfriends are temporary but ex-wives & ex-girlfriends last forever.

→ The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house. I got the outside.

→ Why is it that when you get your wife or girlfriend pregnant, everyone rubs her belly saying “congratulations”… but nobody rubs your dick and says “good job?”

→ I try to see the best in everyone. They, however, are trying harder to hide it from me.

→ If you don’t call me all day I understand, when you don’t text me all day I understand, when I stop loving you I hope you understand…

→ Always listen to your heart. Even though it’s on your left side, it’s always right.

→ a relationship without trust is like a car without gas. U can stay in it as long as u want but it won’t go anywhere

→ Wedding rings are bad for your circulation.

→ When choosing a path in life, try to avoid the psychopaths.

→ When people ask if they can get me anything, I always ask for a jetpack.

→ Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for

→ I don’t need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends I can be certain of.

→ You are never fully dressed until you wear a smile.

→ There are some people in life that make you laugh a little louder, smile a little bigger and live just a little bit better.

→ You May Be The [Player] But I Am The [Game] and This Game Is T.I.R.E.D of Being {Played}

→ You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.