Medical Quotes Status SMS Jokes
→ Two Doctors Meet At A Bar During A Major Medical Conference, One Male And One Female. They Both Talk And One Thing Leads To Another And Both Doctors Were In A Hotel Room. Before Undressing The Female Doctor Washed Her Hands, After Sex With The Male
→ A Woman Was Feeling Quite Unwell And On The Advice Of Her Husband Went To See Her Doctor… When Her Husband Arrived Home From Work That Evening, He Was Moved To See Her Sobbing Uncontrollably. Fearing The Worst, He Tenderly Put His Arm Around Her
→ A Carrot And A Brocoli Are Walking Down The
street, When All Of A Sudden, A Truck Comes Out
of No Where And Runs Over The Carrot. The Brocoli
then Rushed His Friend To The Hospital. The
brocoli Is Waiting For The News Of His
→ Q)what Do You Get If You Cross A Pychiatrist And A Patient???
a)two People Talking Shit!!!!!
→ Two Dyslexics In The Kitchen, One Says To The Other “can You Smell Gas?”
the Other One Replies ” I CanÃ‚Â´t Even Smell My Own Name”
→ PATIENT: Doctor, if I give up wine, women and song, will I live longer? DOCTOR: Not really. It will just seem longer!
→ Question: What is an out-patient? Answer: A patient who has already passed out!
→ Benefits of having Alzeimer´s Disease: 1.You never have to watch re-runs on TV 2.You are always meeting new people 3.You don´t have to remember the whines & complaints of your spouse
→ DOCTOR: Did you know that there are 1,000 bones in your body? PATIENT: Shhh,doctor! There three dogs outside in the waiting room!
→ l What do you get when two hearts fight? A heart attack!
→ The four stages of getting sick: Ill, pill, bill, will!
→ A psychiatrist and a proctologist teamed up for medical practice. The sign outside their clinic reads: ODDS & ENDS!
→ A man told his psychiatrist that he felt he had a split personality. The doctor charged him double!
→ First man: You got to see my doctor. He is very reasonable. Second man: How´s that? First man: Well, if you can´t afford the operation, he touches up the x-rays!
→ PATIENT: Doctor, You have got to help me. My wife thinks she is an elevator.DOCTOR: Bring her to see me. PATIENT: I can´t. She doesn´t stop at this floor!
→ A woman accompanied by her husband went to the doctor. After his check up, the doctor called his wife to his office alone. He said: Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don´t do the following, he will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal. For dinner, prepare av espesially nice dish for him. Don´t burden him with chores. Don´t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for next 10 months, I think your husband will regain his health completely. On the way home, the husband asked his wife: What did the doctor say? She said: He said that you are going to die soon!
→ An overweight woman goes to the doctor to try to rectify the situation. The doc prescribes pills on the strict instructions that she should take one pill, then skip a day, take one the next, then skip a day. Looking confused, the woman asks: Are you sure doc? Positive! He qpeplies. A month later when the pills are finished, the woman returns. The doc is astonished at the amount of weight she has lost. He chuckles: Well, I don´t need to prescribe any more pills for you! She sighs: Thank goodness!
Doc queried: Did you have terrible side-effects? The woman exclaimed: Oh no, the pills were fine but the skipping nearly killed me!
→ An old man visited his doc. After a thorough exam, the doc told him: I have good and bad news for you. Which me would you like to hear first? PATIENT: Well, give me the bad news first. DOC: You have cancer and I estimate that you have about two years left. PATIENT: That´s terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you possibly tell me after this?
DOC: You also have Alzeimer´s. In about three months´ time, you are going to forget everything I told you!
→ Four surgeons were sitting around discusshng who they like to operate on. FIRST: I line operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order. SECOND: I line operating on accountants. When you open them, everything is in numerical order. THIRD: I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is colour-coded. FOURTH: I like operating on lawyers. The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.
The fourth surgeon replied: Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless and their ass & head are interchangeable!
→ A wechanic was removing cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his workshop who war waiting for the service manager to come and have a look at his car. The mechanic called across the garage: Hello doc! Please come over here for a minute. The surprised surgeon walled over to him. The mechanic straightened, wiped his hands on a rag and askf argumentatively: So doc, look at this here. I also open hearts, take valves out, repair them, put in new parts.
And when I finish, this will work as new one. So how come you get the big money when you and me are basically doing the same work? The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic: Try doing it with the engine running!
→ PATIENT: Doc, doc, you have got to help me. I just can´t stop my hands shaking. DOC: Do you drink a lot? PATIENT: Not realy – I spill most of it!
→ The surgeon told his patient who woke up after being operated: I´m afraid we´re going to have to operate on you again because you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you. PATIENT: Well, if its just because of them, I´d rather pay for them if you just leave me alone!
→ A pipe burst in a doctor´s house. He called a plumber who arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious things for a while and handed the doc a bill of £500. The shocked doc exclaimed: This ridiculous! I don´t even make that much as a doctor! The plumber quietly replied: Neither did I when I was a doctor
→ The seven year girl told her mom: A boy in my class asked me to play doctor. MOM: Oh dear! What happened than? GIRL: Nothing, he made me wait 45 min and then double-billed the insurance company!
→ An unfit man went to see the doctor and was told to take up jogging. DOC: You should run atleast ten miles a day. Two weeks later the man rang up the doc to tell him that he was feeling much better. DOC: That is excellent but you´d better come and see me this afternoon so I can examine you properly. PATIENT: But that´s impossible. I am 150 miles away!
→ Rashmi fell for her handsome new dentist likd a ton of bricks and pretty soon she had lured him into a series of passionate encounters at the dental clinic after hours. But one day he said sadly: Rashmi, honey, we´ve got to stop seeing each other. Your husband is bound to get suspicious. She assured him: No way sweetheart, he is dumb as a post. Besides, we´ve been intimate for 6 months and he doesn´t suspect a thing.
The dentist agreed: True, but you are down to one tooth!
→ A doctor was surprised one day by a note left on his desk by the receptionist. It read: Mrs Ramin phoned to say she would be unable to keep her appointment as she was unwell. She will make a new appointment as soon she is better!
→ Towards the end of his life, a great comedian was told by his doc that if he continued to drink, he would lose his hearing. Asked by his friend if he planned to stop drinking, he answered: Not at all. You see, the stuff I´ve been drinking is so much better than the stuff I´ve been hearing!
→ In a rural district, a farmer war helping at his delivery by holding a kerosene lamp for the doctor. When the doc had produced not one, bv three fine babies, the farmer dirappeared. DOC: Come back with that lamp. I think there is another baby. FARMER: I will not, I think its the light which attracting them!
→ A tired doc was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night. The young mother pleaded: Please, you have to come right over. My child has swallowed a contraceptive. Doc dressed quickly and was about to leave when the phone rang again. The woman said: You don´t have to come over after all. My husband has found another pill !
→ After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital has saved another from suicide attempt ay pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer´s file and called him into his office. Doc: Mr James, your records and heroic behaviour indicate that you are ready to go home. Though I am sorry the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck.
James replied: Oh, he didn´t kill himself. I hung him up to dry!
→ A man walks into the doctor´s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. He asks: What´s the matter with me? Doc replies: You are not eating properly!
→ PATIENT: Doc, are you sure I am suffering from pneumonia? I´ve heard once about a doc treating someone for pneumonia and he finally dying of typhus. DOCTOR: Don´t worry, it won´ happen with me. If I treat someone for pneumonia, he will die of of pneumonia!
→ PATIENT: Whenever I drink coffee, I get this sharp and excruciating pain. DOCTOR: Try to remember to remove the spoon before drinking!