The Largest Collection of Funny Quotes, Facebook Status, Funny SMS, Whatsapp Status & Tweets

SMS Jokes

→ When the apple is green and ready to pluck. When a girl is sixteen she’s ready to fuck!

→ The 3 wonders of a woman 1*give milk without eating grass 2*get wet without water 3*bleed for a week without going 2 die

→ No Boys! No Boys, no Sex. No Sex, no Kids. No Kids, no School. No School, no problems! Why Boys??

→ After the party – mum, I am not drunk, I can lay on the flour without holding on

→ A girl phoned me the other day and said…Come on over, there is nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

→ I love you in the mornig, I love you in the evening, but most of all, I love you when you are leaving

→ No men, no love, No love, no sex, No sex, no childeren, No childeren, no school, No school, no homework, No homework, no problems!

→ NEWS FLASH snow white has been thrown out disneyland. she pulled up her skirt, sat on pinnochios face & shouted lie u bastard, lie, lie!
→ What’s the difference between your job and your wife? Your job still sucks after five years!
→ If you want SEX take a boy and RELAX but don’t forget DUREX!!!
→ If you think fuck is funny fuck yourself and save the money
→ When I was a dog, and you were a flower, I walked over you and gave you a shower!!
→ Computers are machines to help you solve problems you wouldn’t have if you didn’t have a computer.
→ The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
→ If you have no voice: SCREAM…… If you have no legs: RUN……… If you have no hope: INVENT…
→ When I was a baby, I played with toys. Now I’m a lady and I play with boys!!
→ Man: I would really like to get into your pants. Woman: No thanks. There’s already one asshole in there.
→ A man was dying of cancer. His son asked him:dad why do you keepon telling everyone that your dying of AIDS.He replied”So that when i die no 1 will fuck ur mom
→ Kill one you’re a murderer, kill 10 you’re a serial murderer, kill them all, you’re GOD.
→ The first day we met,I wanted you in my bed. Today I know better, so I will write it in my letter. In my bed I’ve seen so many faces, so I’ll fuck you at different places.
→ Text messaging is like a blow-job off an amateur prostitute; short…sweet and always cheap!!!
→ Love your neighbour, but don’t get caught.
→ To wake up in the morning and always see the sun no matter the weather, I’m glad the day has begun.

→ I hate it when you leave, but I would like to see you go.
→ When do you know a woman is going to say something interesting ? …. When she starts with “My husband said…”
→ One chicken to an other: are you tokkin’ to me?
→ Man says to his wife : Let me take a picture of your breasts, than I can always look at them. Wife : Let me take a picture of you penis, I will have it enlarged.
→ A blond woman picks up a 100. Was it a smart or a stupid blond one? …………………. stupid of course, there are no others
→ What’s the difference between blonds and traffic-signs? Some signs say stop.
→ When god created the men he was only kidding
→ Why does a stupid blond woman sneak past the pharmacy? …………….. She does not want to wake the sleeping tablets!
→ Dear God, I will keep it brief otherwise they will steal my dinner. AMEN
→ When you harrass a boy, pull his pants down and your skirt up, because you can run faster with your skirt up than he with his pants down.
→ There are three girls in the sixth grade … A blond a brown and a red. Who has the biggest boops ? ………… The blond because she already reached the age of 20!!!
→ If I’d had a face like yours, I’d sue my parents !
→ How to keep an idiot entertained *press down* ………………. ……………….. How to keep an idiot entertained *press up*
→ Can I have your picture? ……… I save natural disasters
→ Of course… If you want something there is always a way to get there. Unfortunately on my way there are road works.
→ You wanna come to my place for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don’t you like pizza?!
→ Why is a woman 20.000 $ worth and a man only 2$? A woman has a milk factory, a mussel farm and a sawmill; a man a sausage, 2 bitterballs and a little pot of mayonnaise
→ Bigamy…………..What is the penalty for bigamy? …………… Two mothers-in-law !
→ What does it say on the wrapping of the Morning-after pil??? ……first some screwing before use
→ Farmer seeks woman with tractor. Please add photo of tractor.
→ Do you think I can live for another fourty years? … Do you drink? … No! … Do you smoke? … No! … Do you visit the whores? … No! ……. Why do you want to live another fourty years?
→ Dialogue between 2 undertakers. “Do you have sometimes a dead period?”
→ There are numerous restaurants where you can eat Chinese. But it does not help a bit. There are more every day.
→ Do you believe that getting married on a Friday brings bad luck ? “Of course, why would Friday be an exception?”
→ Can I go to the theatre? Asks a mosquito ot her mother. “yes but be aware, pay attention during the applause.”