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Humorous Facebook Status

→ Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up

→ I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you… the more you have the longer you live.

→ How To Be A Hero tip: When destroying the enemy be sure to kill all the criminals in reverse order of importance before confronting the kingpin himself.

→ is wondering who was the first to look at a cow and think: “I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!”

→ I must be wishing on someone else`s star because it seems someone else is always getting what I wished for.

→ I sleep better naked…why can`t the flight attendant understand this?

→ thinks nothing is better than pooing at work…you`re getting paid to poo!

→ A GPS is only good if you can remember where you wanted to go in the first place.

→ has decided that the answer to all of life`s problems is: HUG YOUR MOM!

→ When you`re right, no one remembers. When you`re wrong, no one forgets.

→ todays status is brought to you by the letter W, T and F.

→ You`re just wasting 20seconds of your life reading this. Your Still reading. STILL reading. OK your life is obviously shit. Seriously,STOP reading. Time waster! lol

→ The BEST WAY to recognize LIKING is when you gaze at someone`s SMILE and eventually THAWING.

→ A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.

→ If you can see the light at the end of the tunnel you are looking the wrong way.

→ My bank lets me send a text message and it`ll text back with my balance. ..It`s a cool feature but I didn`t think the `LOL` was necessary.

→ A mathematician`s favorite place in New York City? Times Square.

→ What did the blonde say when the airplane began to shake? “Must be an earthquake.”

→ promises I`m not stalking you. By the way, you`re out of milk

→ Just remember, when you’re feeling down: You were that ONE sperm that won the race.

→ Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF!!

‎→ “Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.”

→ There is no hetrosexual way to eat a banana in a male prison.

→ if you cant laugh at yourself, ill be happy to do it for you. 🙂

→ They say “don’t drink and drive” but yesterday I was drinking a juice box while riding my tricycle. It made me feel dangerous!

→ Uh oh…just saw the little devil from my left shoulder drop kick the little angel off my right shoulder a minute ago…this can’t be good.

→ was riding a horse yesterday and fell off. I almost got killed! THANK GOODNESS the Walmart greeter saw what happened and came over and unplugged it.

→ is Single, and has decided due to the weather change that it’s time to have a boyfriend to keep me warm…oh no wait I found my electric blanket – Never mind!

→ Is On The Toilet (>_<) (o_o) (0_0) ~ (^_^) Ahhhhhhhh That`s Better

→ So Today I Dialed A Wrong Number… The Other Person Said, “Hello?” & I Said, “Hello, Could I Speak To Joey?”… They Said, “Uh… I Don`t Think So… He`s Only 2 Months Old.” So I Said, “I`ll Wait.”

→ the statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they`re okay, then it`s you.

→ has temporarily lost himself, so I`m going to go looking for me. If I get back before I do, tell me to wait – then call and tell me I`m back.

→ roses are red,violets are blue,i have five fingers,and the middle ones for u!!

→ wonders if this police officer will mind holding my beer so I can finish this text messa…

→ ”the greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source.” – George Washington

→ pop pop POPSICLE!! ice ice ICECICLE!! test test….. oh wait 😛

→ Dear Santa, this year, please send
clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy`s computer.

→ Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that, I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.

→ is going to jail, directly to jail. he is not passing go. he is not collecting $200.

→ Procrastination (verb)-What you`re probably doing now.

→ I don`t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

→ Wow. Sarcasm. That`s way better than having friends.

→ Everyone has photographic memory… some just don`t have film.

→ Blonde goes into PC World looking for curtains, assistant says: `You don`t need curtains for a PC`. Blonde replies: `Hello, but mine has windows!!`

→ Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall – he didnt get bruised, he didnt get bumped – Humpty Dumpty bungee jumped.

→ Went home at 2 with a 10 and woke up at 10 with a 2.

→ You can`t be old & wise, if you were never young & crazy… 😉

→ FOX NEWS: Energizer Bunny Arrested, Charged With Battery!

→ I`ve said no to alcohol for years but it still won`t listen.

→ I just read a list of `the 100 things to do before you die`. I`m pretty surprised `yell for help` wasn`t one of them…

→ says people are always asking whats the meaning of life, why dont they just look it up in the dictionary. Duh!!!!

→ I`m tired of chasing my dreams, I`m just going to ask them where their going and meet them there later.

→ Is attempting to drown a fish,
this could take a while.

→ says it`s been a rough day. I got up this morning …. put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I`m afraid to go to the bathroom….

→ Just realized the tooth fairy teaches us to sell our body parts for money!

→ Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.

→ Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.

→ I just read last year 4,153,237 ppl got married. I don`t want to start any trouble, but shouldn`t that be an even number?

→ If a girl from iceland and a guy from cuba have a kid. Will he be an icecube?

→ I`m not trying to impress you or anything, but… I`m Batman!

→ is normally not a praying man, but if you`re up there, please save me Superman.

→ Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with “according to the prophecy”

→ Check this one out………….1. 🙂

→ who says nothing is impossible I`ve been doing nothing for years.

→ I stepped on a cornflake now I`m a cereal killer

→ I`ve got a time machine. I get in and it takes me seven hours into the future. I call it… bed.

→ I`m great at remembering names. I just don`t remember which one`s yours. ツ

→ A guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school`s swimming pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water… Is that wrong?