Newspaper Headlines Facebook Status

→ Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn’t seen in years

→ Canadians are more polite when they are being rude than Americans are when they are being friendly.

→ Americans have different ways of saying things. They say “elevator”, we say “lift”… they say “President”, we say “stupid psychopathic git”.

→ Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.

→ George washington said “We would have a black president when pigs fly!”… well, swine flu.

→ Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

→ The worst thing about calling in sick today is not being able to post last night’s rage fest pictures until this weekend.

→ Officer, I’m not Fred Flintstone, I didn’t “run” a red light, I drove through it. Now let me go.

→ Mubarak has changed his Egypt dictatorship status to ‘It’s complicated’

→ Another mass bird death except this time it’s a whole flock of Seahawks in Chicago.

→ Queen Elizabeth is now on Facebook, I’ve always wanted to poke a queen.

→ I wrote “My Parking Spot” in chalk at one of the spots in my school parking lot to see what happens. No one has parked there for a week 🙂

→ I find life is better if I live every day like it’s your last.

→ the best stalkers stand behind their work.

→ Dear NASA, Your mom thought I was big enough. Sincerely, Pluto.

→ Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government

→ Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I’m typing this with my middle finger

→ George Bush published a book? I bet it’s a picture book

→ Chuck Norris’s daughter lost her virginity, he got it back